


feel like home to me (tokyo runaways)

by hj_pan_cake



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Anal Sex, Angst, Blow Jobs, Clubbing, Dirty Talk, Drinking, Falling In Love, Fishnets, Fluff, Frottage, Hair Dyeing, Happy Ending, Hotels, M/M, Mutual Masturbation, Semi-Public Sex, Smut, Strangers to Lovers, Swearing, Texting, basically lust to love, fucking on video call, homophobic parents, implied PTSD, implied body dysphoria, implied depression, reverse slow burn? is that a thing?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-19
Updated: 2020-11-14
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:14:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 55,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26548816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hj_pan_cake/pseuds/hj_pan_cake
Summary: Park Seonghwa is on an obligatory family vacation when he meets HJ, a boy with butterfly wing tattoos and a heart held heavy under padlock and key.
Relationships: Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa
Comments: 440
Kudos: 417





	1. cherry bomb // little monster

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ⭐️  
> TW / CW in this chapter:  
> brief implication of sexual harassment (before the page break)  
> brief mentions of homophobia  
> implied illegal drug usage  
> drinking  
> smut (after the page break)  
> ⭐️

Last year it was Hong Kong, this year it’s Tokyo.

Park Seonghwa has been forced to take part in these annual family trips for the past few years or so. It’s his mom and dad’s way of desperately clinging on to their illusive family bond involving two adult children who don’t live with them anymore. 

His parents don’t even have the fondest view of Japan, but they must’ve negotiated that it’s the closest and most inexpensive option left without traveling outside of Asia. They’d rather go to Japan than anywhere outside of the continent that they belong to. And that’s just the type of parents they are; racist, xenophobic, and homophobic to boot. 

There are forty-something countries in Asia though so Seonghwa still doesn’t understand the thought process behind their travels at all. 

The main readerboard inside the train says 21:00 above the doorway; the day is just now surrendering to 9:00PM. 

Seonghwa is Shinjuku-bound on the Toei Subway Line, a straight shot to his destination from Asakusa. It’s only Day 3 of the fun family getaway and it hasn’t been too unbearable so far, but it hasn’t been fantastic either. 

Seonghwa dropped out of college at the beginning of this year, after making a struggled headway towards a degree in interior design. 

He didn’t exactly drop out per se, he’s just on a special leave from courses. Failing college isn’t known to be probable at the institution he’s attending, it only rarely happens, but apparently it is indeed possible because here Seonghwa is. 

So, that’s been cool. 

Troubled, bored, and apparently in the mood to make his parents hate him even more, Seonghwa bleached his hair platinum blonde just a handful of days before they left for Tokyo. Every time his mom looks at him she appears as though she deeply regrets ever having a son. His father won’t make eye contact with him when he wears makeup.

They hate his labret piercing, they hate any expressions of individuality, really. 

“Is that wound on your lip not healed yet?”

His mom nags him about his piercing every day, if not multiple times a day, and he never has any respectful responses to provide so he doesn’t respond at all. 

Seonghwa has been floating around like a lone bubble, a bubble that wobbles aimlessly for a little bit longer than any of the others do; just waiting for something to come along and compel it to pop, waiting to get hit with some clarity, to be freed from the confines of the iridescent trap. 

The train is crammed, but most passengers are solo and keeping to themselves, reading, napping, spellbound by their phones. Seonghwa glances ahead to where his sister is standing with her arm raised above her head, fingers clasping tight to the ring of the tsurikawa handle, other hand with a firm hold on her unbelievably large tomato-red purse. 

He’s not even a consistent employee at work anymore. Seonghwa doesn’t know what has happened to him, truthfully. He used to be such a diligent individual, he used to be actively involved in sports clubs at school and he used to try to date around. At some point over the past year he just started to feel a heaviness. He wouldn't be able to explain it even if he tried, he wouldn’t be able to paint a picture of it for anyone. He never used to think about what it feels like to get up, or to simply walk, but it’s as if those natural things suddenly felt hard; contrived. 

Seonghwa is honestly surprised that his parents even wanted him on this vacation after the hair situation, let alone what a fuck-up he’s been these past several months. They just barely tolerate him. 

They’re not here visiting during Japan’s cherry blossom season, unfortunately, but Seonghwa’s parents wanted to avoid the Golden Week crowd in addition to fitting in their trip before the rainy season starts, which is all valid enough. 

The weather has been ideal, the days are starting to stretch longer. There lacks a stickiness in the air that’ll certainly be seething back home in Korea by the time Seonghwa returns from his trip in three weeks’ time. And in the furthest, innermost corner of his mind, as this train shifts and chugs along, he’s making a half-assed promise to himself to get his shit together by that time, too. 

Nothing could’ve prepared Seonghwa for how much of a turning point tonight would actually shape out to be. 

He spent the day exploring around the Imperial Palace area downtown in Chiyoda with his parents and sister, and now he’s on his way to meet up with his high school friend San, who’s attending some world-renowned culinary school in Shinjuku. 

Which is fitting for San; he used to cook for Seonghwa all the time. They’d eat his cooking more than they’d eat takeout. And any cooking skills that Seonghwa has he can credit to San for teaching him.

He’s just hoping that their conversation this evening will mostly revolve around San and what he’s been up to. Seonghwa isn’t looking forward to bullshitting about any school or work-related questions on his end. Because of course Seonghwa hasn’t told a single living soul about any of his shit. Not even his roommate, Yunho, who he probably spends the most time with more than anybody else. But why tell anyone about a temporary setback. 

Seonghwa’s sister is going to spend her night out in Shinjuku with some online influencer friends of hers. She had mentioned something about hanging out at an izakaya for drinks and a bite to eat. 

They’re about four stops away from their station, according to the multilingual voice on the overhead speakers inside the train’s packed compartment.

Seonghwa’s phone vibrates in his pocket. 

  
  


**Seung-yeon:**

I feel uncomfortable 

**Seonghwa:**

?

**Seung-yeon:**

Guy behind me 

  
  


He peers up from his phone and eyes a guy wearing a leather jacket, towering over his sister from behind. The guy next to him seems to be his acquaintance, they’re smirking and speaking in undertones to one another. The aura drafted on both of their faces isn’t necessarily virtuous.

  
  


**Seonghwa:**

Did he touch you

**Seung-yeon:**

No

Not exactly 

Just feel like he might 

Idk

  
  


Seonghwa stows his phone and scoots his way through the hushed crowd of standing commuters. He gives this guy one more look over as he approaches. He’s unusually tall and has a pendant on a chain around his neck that Seonghwa doesn’t bother to contemplate in detail. He’s not paying much attention to Seonghwa, or his sister now, thankfully.

There’s not enough room for them to relocate very far, but with a gentle hand on his sister’s back, Seonghwa guides them away a few steps, the both of them staggering slightly and apologizing quietly to a woman in business attire. 

“Are you okay?”

Impetuously, Seung-yeon nods and tucks her hair behind her ear. “I think so, I don’t know I was just getting a bad feeling….”

“It’ll be fine. Don’t get separated from your friends, stick together, and from here on out I’ll make sure that we’re always next to each other when we’re on trains together,” Seonghwa says, keeping his voice low. “Text me when you find your friends, and later on when you get back to the hotel, too.”

“I feel stupid for wearing a skirt….”

Her voice is quavering, just enough for Seonghwa to detect.

“You’re not stupid, you’re allowed to wear what you want to,” Seonghwa murmurs, looking down at their shoes. “It’s his fault, not yours.”

No, Seonghwa doesn’t feel close to his sister whatsoever. He feels like ultimately she alienates him alongside their parents, but how could he not care for her in a circumstance like this. 

And he should be the last one judging anybody on their fashion choices. He’s wearing a pair of black pleather pants and a studded crossbody harness. His loose-fitting knit sweater pacifies the whole outfit and makes it feel more casual though. 

Seonghwa unceremoniously parts ways with his sister after they exit the train at their stop and scan their Suica transportation cards at the automatic ticket gate. 

He meets San right outside underneath the lofty green sign at the station and it’s a lively reunion. Seonghwa scoops San up in his arms. 

“Sanni are you eating well? You have a patch in your hair,” Seonghwa says, overwhelmed at the sight of a familiar face and pleasantly surprised by San’s new look. “Sorry, I haven’t really kept up with stuff on social media lately….”

“I had it blonde at first, but now it’s teal! My classmates call it my pie chart hair,” he explains cheerfully, tightening his hug around Seonghwa and wiggling the both of them around a bit. 

“That’s so cute, do you like your classmates? And god, have you been working out?” 

San wants to show Seonghwa around some bars in Ni-Chome, Tokyo’s gay district, so they take off leisurely and Seonghwa promptly realizes that he has more catching up to do with San than he thought. 

San has been open about his sexuality for as long as Seonghwa can remember. People in high school were always quick to assume that the two of them were a secret couple. And those rumors never really bothered Seonghwa.

Seonghwa does receive a text from his sister letting him know that she’s safe with her friends, as he and San begin passing by narrower roads and alleyways, the color red boasting in lanterns and signage everywhere they turn. It’s busy outside with Friday’s thriving nightlife. 

Next to San, Seonghwa feels as if he’s where he belongs. San has a way of making people feel comfortable, one of many things Seonghwa has always admired about him. Seonghwa wishes that he had the capacity to be this type of person for someone. 

Together they stride through streets upon endless streets filled to the brim with flashing signs, vertical and jumbled perfectly; the city is almost more alive in this evening saturation than it is during daylight hours, melodies pouring out of each building they walk by, traffic like marching ants even now.

They wait to cross the road alongside a swarm of other pedestrians, shock waves of music tumbling from the giant mouth of an arcade on the street corner directly behind them. Those tunes are layered on top of more jingles from large screen projections with advertisements on major crosswalks like these, echoing out and reaching all the way to taller skyscrapers in the distance, their little windows illuminated like planets. 

EAGLE Tokyo is a clean, modern bar that San and Seonghwa meander inside and find seats at, and it feels nice to laugh again. Seonghwa doesn’t know much Japanese or English but San knows a notable amount of both and the bartender is convivial and good at what he does. 

Condensed packs of people are meeting up, bowing, embracing, shaking hands; loud voices, loud conversations. Some guys are checking Seonghwa out, maybe, he doesn’t know, it’s probably just because of his damn hair.

After a couple of drinks they step back out into the night air and carry on to check out a neighboring bar called Dragon, that’s much darker, smokier, a photograph with bokeh blur.

There’s music playing inside and quite a few people dancing, this bar has the space for it and the atmosphere unlike EAGLE. 

Some guy approaches Seonghwa and San while they’re ordering drinks and it’s a scruffy effort to understand him because of the volume in the place and a language barrier that they can’t even identify and a heatwave like a spear shoots skywards in Seonghwa’s body, rising to his face. After the guy hobbles away from them, San and Seonghwa giggle in each other’s ears, laughing off the confusion, and they make crude comments about how tight his pants were. 

They continue loitering near the bar area with their beverages and Seonghwa’s eyes snare on someone dancing alone. 

The guy might as well have a spotlight on him. 

He’s expressive. And he’s noticed Seonghwa watching, at least Seonghwa thinks so, and he’s now doing quite a number of body waves. Seonghwa looks away, down at his hands. 

His hair is an ashy blonde, or silver maybe. It was almost hard to tell though, with all of the different colored lights on the dance floor taking to his hair like a moth to a flame. 

Seonghwa loses sight of him for a while. He and San chat about what their favorite music comebacks have been since the last time they saw each other. 

It can’t be any more than ten minutes later when Seonghwa glimpses a couple of guys approach him, the boy with a prismatic halation; proof that he wasn’t just an illusion. 

Prying his eyes away from the scene is turning into a bit of a challenge for Seonghwa, he’s curious for no good reason whether or not one of these men is going to lead the fair-haired guy anywhere.

But neither of them do. Because the guy, kind of petite in all honesty, caught Seonghwa looking again, and those other guys are suddenly not there anymore, like maybe they never were, like maybe they were the mirage all along. 

Maybe Seonghwa is capsizing a little bit aboard this game of hide-and-seek. He swirls his drink around absentmindedly.

“Do you know who that is?”

“Who?” San asks, turning his head to cast a look out into the bar’s crowd. 

“The one that’s looking right at me.”

“Oh, god. That’s HJ. He’s- a good guy, but he’s a bit of a mystery, I don’t know much about him other than he’s got about a month left here,” San says.

“Oh.”

“Heard he bought a one-way ticket to Tokyo and has just been here wilding on his 90-day tourist visa,” San explains, “he’s from Korea too and he’s actually staying with my friend Wooyoung, who’s a classmate of mine who’s also here studying abroad.”

“Oh, who’s this Wooyoung, why’d you say his name like that?” Seonghwa questions inquisitively. 

“Shut up, he’s… someone,” San mutters, failing to camouflage the twinkle in his eye. “You gonna go dance with HJ or what?”

San throws every ounce of his regard into hyping Seonghwa up for the next few minutes and it’s super unfair because they should totally be discussing this Wooyoung fellow instead. 

But, if Seonghwa really does intend to go over and talk to this tiny dancer, he doesn’t want to wait until it’s too late. 

San really should sell himself as a personal chef and life coach combo or something because his motivating mumbles have Seonghwa setting his drink down with abrupt purpose and walking right up to this person who absorbs all attention, the alcohol doing the rest by taking the edge off of Seonghwa’s anxiety. 

And the first words he ever hears HJ say, he might remember them for the rest of his life.

“I’m crossfaded as fuck.”

He’s smiling smugly, eyelids delicate doilies half-reposed. HJ is even more striking up close, his complexion lucent, pristine smooth like sea glass. 

Seonghwa is concerned; isn’t weed illegal in Japan? This guy can’t be that far gone though, he was dancing with the precision of a K-pop idol. 

“You’re really fucking hot,” HJ utters, running his tongue across his teeth in thought. “…Kinda wanna sit on your cock.”

Seonghwa is grateful that his brain seems to be one step ahead of his heart because he doesn’t even blink.

“Just kind of?” he says calmly, scanning the shorter boy’s face.

He tilts his head, mouth ajar. “You’re Korean?” 

“Yeah, I’m here on vacation. What’s your name,” Seonghwa asks above the noise, and it’s in moments like these that he wishes he wasn’t so soft-spoken.

“HJ, yours?”

“Seonghwa.”

HJ hums. “Pretty boy….”

“Are you here with anyone?”

“No,” HJ replies with a laugh, almost as if it’s humorous that Seonghwa would ask. “What, you gonna buy me a drink or something?”

His tone is lyrical and golden, like toffee, like burnt sugar.

“If you want me to.”

After letting San know about their plans, and after San gives him an encouraging pat on the ass, Seonghwa takes HJ back to EAGLE, since it was less rowdy there and more upscale. 

He pays for HJ’s cherry pie cocktail and a whiskey ginger highball for himself. 

HJ is swinging his legs back and forth on his stool next to Seonghwa at the bar. He’s dressed in all black, his jacket is cropped and slouchy; light-weight and embellished interestingly. 

There’s hardly a millimeter on his ears that isn’t consumed by a piercing and jewelry. On his right ear, in the semi-flat space up near his cartilage, he has a small tattoo of a flower, a dainty stem carrying a bell-shaped lily of the valley. 

His hair is silverish-blonde precisely, and it’s styled back away from his forehead. His nails are a chipped baby blue and his eyes are somehow both mischievous and the most saccharine almond shape. 

When HJ isn’t thieving glances at Seonghwa, Seonghwa is observing HJ’s profile; a dreamlike silhouette at odds with muddled background noise that holds no meaning. 

Every time HJ peeks at him, Seonghwa stays for just a second longer before looking down at his drink as if it’s the most captivating thing in the room. Seonghwa has a bad habit of gliding his tongue over the center of his bottom lip, where his lip ring sits. 

It’s a perplexing yet not at all unpleasant silence in which HJ simmers and stares at Seonghwa through really long eyelashes. 

“How is it?” Seonghwa asks. 

HJ smiles roguishly where his mouth rests on the rim of the glass, and he sets it down on the bar table. “Tastes good.”

“You should try,” he insists, nudging his drink towards Seonghwa. 

Keeping eye contact, Seonghwa takes a sip. 

“Wow, it’s sweet.”

“You don’t like ‘em sweet?” HJ says as he takes his drink back and plucks the cherry out, biting it off of its stem.

“I don’t mind sweet, it’s just not what I typically go for.”

Seonghwa watches HJ pop the cherry stem in his mouth now, and a moment later it’s lying atop his tongue, tied in a perfect knot.

“Impressive.”

HJ looks thoroughly tickled, his hands splayed on the edge of the stool in between his legs, crinkling his nose and smiling with lips pressed into a playful grin. 

“Yours is probably really bitter then, huh,” he comments, after spitting the cherry stem into his almost-empty glass.

Seonghwa slides his drink over.

HJ smacks his mouth and grimaces.

“Tastes like alcohol.”

Seonghwa laughs in both amusement and agreement. 

“Yeah, guess my ideal type is a little bit sweet, and a little bit not.”

“Mmm…,” HJ croons in comprehension. 

“That’s deep,” he goes on to say jokingly, “didn’t expect to have such a deep conversation right away like this.” 

His elbows are supported by the bar top, his chin propped up on the bed of his palms. 

“We don’t have to go deep right away.”

It quite literally skids out of Seonghwa’s mouth, out of his grasp, and HJ’s smile falls from his face. 

He stares at Seonghwa, half-lidded in a craving pensiveness. 

Holding his powerful gaze, Seonghwa gulps, and tries to do so in the most inconspicuous way. 

HJ wets his lips. “Wanna dance?”

()()()()()()()()

Seonghwa follows HJ down the road to a club called Arty Farty, bassline punching beneath their footsteps before they even cross the threshold of the place. They bicker momentarily at the door until HJ gives in and allows Seonghwa to pay for their entry. 

It’s exceptionally dark inside, save for the giant disco ball suspended from the ceiling and all of the colored strobe lights staining pathways on sweaty bodies. Three poles are situated up on the stage and a shirtless guy is dancing on the center one. 

Seonghwa feels clumsy at first, he hasn’t danced in a million years, and he’s also pretty damn inebriated now after that last drink, but dancing used to be one of his favorite things. People would even tell him that he was gifted at it and that he could pursue it seriously if he really wanted to, but they were probably all just kissing his ass. Plus, it’s hilarious, because Seonghwa could never imagine doing something so freeing as a profession. Or maybe it wouldn’t be as freeing as it seems.

But HJ moves in a different way, a flashlight in the shadows. And Seonghwa hopes that he doesn’t lose him in the dark, but there’s no possible way he could lose him.

Arms like streamers in the air, dragging his hands down along his body, snags on clothing and close-eyed smiles from a swanky bass. 

He spins and blooms, geometric shapes flying; sharp edges like forgotten polaroid pictures in a shoebox, knocked over and splashing out across the floor.

He circles around Seonghwa. And up on his toes, he braces himself by resting his hands on Seonghwa’s shoulders. 

“…Can I touch you while we dance…?” 

His words are slurred in Seonghwa’s ear but Seonghwa can appreciate the courtesy. 

Seonghwa tilts his face in towards HJ’s ear, silver strands tickling his cheek. 

“Mhm… can I touch you?”

In response, HJ takes Seonghwa’s hands in his own and places them directly on his ass, his smirk cutting through the smoke. Seonghwa’s heartbeat glitches for just a second, feeling HJ below his fingertips, for the very first time. 

HJ turns around and grinds his ass on Seonghwa and Seonghwa enfolds HJ’s waist and their movements have Seonghwa rubbing up and down at the hem of the shirt under HJ’s jacket. 

“…This okay?” Seonghwa questions in HJ’s ear, but maybe he wasn’t loud enough, HJ doesn’t seem to hear. 

He turns back around and throws his arms in a keen loop at Seonghwa’s neck, and he speaks so brilliantly above the forceful music. 

“This is fun.” 

Seonghwa feels goosebumps underneath his clothes, as he’s holding HJ in his arms, as they’re dancing close. 

He genuinely can’t remember the last time he had fun doing anything. Maybe when he was a kid, when ignorance was bliss? When all it took was a fallen branch lying in the grass in the park and suddenly it’s your ceptor, your sword, your magic wand, and you’re off on an adventure.

HJ has a point, this really is kind of fun. 

But there’s really nothing fun about being ridiculed by your own flesh and blood when you try to share your world with them, nothing glamorous about being rejected by society as a whole. His parents had essentially laughed in his face and told him that he is in fact not homosexual and could never in a million years be homosexual, after Seonghwa had cried his eyes out for several weeks on end working up the courage to tell them, after several years on end…. 

On this darkened dance floor is the most alive Seonghwa has felt in a long time.

“You’re a really good dancer,” Seonghwa comments, raising his voice a little louder, smiling down at HJ. 

“I’m a better lap dancer, just saying,” HJ replies with the biggest shit-eating grin.

“Okay. You gonna show me?” Seonghwa says, quizzical. “Or will I just have to assume you’re all talk.”

Hooking a finger on Seonghwa’s harness, HJ leads him through the tight-knit intoxicated mob. 

There’s a limited amount of eclectic seating over on the opposite side of the room beyond the perimeter of the dance floor. Seonghwa plunks down on a large upholstered armchair, and HJ, jaunty and without pause, sits down in Seonghwa’s lap, twisting his body around to eye Seonghwa; kittenish, rosy cheeks. 

Seonghwa legitimately shivers, and watches as HJ lowers his top half down onto his elbows, shimmying to bring his legs up onto the chair as well, straddling Seonghwa backwards. 

He’s belly down, almost entirely horizontal, humping and honing his hips down on top of the bulge in Seonghwa’s pants. And Seonghwa has completely forgotten how breathing works. 

“HJ- how gone are you right now…,” Seonghwa says, gripping into HJ’s hips and praying that he can hear him, “…I don’t want to do anything with you or to you if you’re not in your right mind right now.”

“Wow, such a gentleman,” HJ carols, “you don’t want to take advantage of me?”

Seonghwa offers no answer because he can definitely feel HJ’s dick through his pants and there’s no describing just how good it feels in this very moment touching and rubbing against Seonghwa’s own hardness. 

“…Pretty boy you can use me not just anybody can, but you can, you’re an exception….”

“I don’t- I don’t want to use you….”

HJ says nothing to that. 

Hastily, he lifts himself up and rotates in Seonghwa’s lap, scooting himself as close as possible with knees on either side of Seonghwa’s body. 

HJ bends himself backwards gradually, until he’s practically lying down on his back, and Seonghwa grapples his thighs so that he won’t fall off of the chair or hit his head on the ground. Subconsciously, Seonghwa bucks his hips up on HJ. 

HJ rises in Seonghwa’s lap languidly, sensuously, until he’s face to face with Seonghwa, and Seonghwa cradles him as he resumes their friction in a steady rhythm. 

“…I am in my right mind, everything’s just… fuzzy, around the edges…,” HJ drawls. “…But not you, you’re… really clear to me….”

There’s a hand combing through the back of Seonghwa’s hair at the nape of his neck and the magnetism feels like a compass pointing him North. 

“…You’re really clear to me, too….”

Their bodies as close as they can get, they’re breathing in each other’s ears, declaring the nightclub soundtrack irrelevant. HJ is riding Seonghwa like the rolling tide, like waves in a dark blue ocean. 

Maybe this is what Seonghwa needed. 

Maybe he just needed a body close to him, a body to remind him that he’s more than just a speck on the globe. 

But why is HJ looking at him like this is what he needs, too. 

His pupils are dilated in this neediness, his lips wet as he’s rocking on Seonghwa’s body faster. 

“…You gonna cum in your pants?” HJ asks, biting down on his lip, his eyes flitting from one feature to another on Seonghwa’s face. 

Seonghwa licks his lips heatedly. “I- I might, if you don’t stop.”

HJ leans in near enough for their noses to touch, and he’s now furrowing his brow, whimpering and gazing down at Seonghwa with eyes scarcely open, looking tortured and on the brink of orgasm, a sorrowful splendor. 

“ _Oh god oh fuck_ ….”

Seonghwa can’t help but moan at hearing HJ so unfettered, so ruined, and he relocates his hands from HJ’s hips to HJ’s hair, and his hair is very soft. 

HJ is grinding fiercely, whining in Seonghwa’s ear, and he then stops. 

Seonghwa wills his vision to focus. “Wha- excuse me?”

They’re panting.

HJ trails his hands down Seonghwa’s torso. 

“…Don’t want you to cum in your pants, want you to cum in my ass.”

Seonghwa blinks and his dick twitches. 

“Your place? Aren’t you- are you staying around here…?”

“Yeah but my roommate, Wooyoung, is home tonight, he told me not to bother him because he’s studying for an exam…,” HJ pouts.

Seonghwa raises an eyebrow dubiously, he wonders what kind of exams they have in culinary school. He quickly looks around to see if San is still present, but remembers that they’re not even in the same building anymore.

“Your place?”

“My hotel is like forty minutes away.”

“Fuck,” HJ snivels. “Darkroom?”

He starts thrusting his hips again, slowly, materializing like an oil painting in motion. 

“Um, they have one of those here?” Seonghwa questions. 

“Apparently yeah.”

“Aren’t people gonna pounce on us in there?”

“No it’ll be just you and me no matter what…,” HJ promises, “…if anyone tries anything I’ll bite their balls off.”

They stumble to the furthermost corner of the establishment where there’s an ominous-looking door. HJ leads the way inside eagerly.

It appears to be even darker in here than out on the main floor, there’s very little to light their path aside from bold beams in different primary colors. 

There’s not a whole lot of people utilizing the room either, maybe because it’s not a Saturday night, or maybe not that many people use it in general? Maybe they’re being outlandish? Seonghwa doesn’t know.

It’s genuinely difficult to tell what all is going on, Seonghwa is pretty sure that there’s a foursome happening over on the right, with a guy down on his knees tending to three cocks at once. 

Seonghwa feels HJ pluck him by his crossbody harness again, and they step away off to the left side of the space, near a wall drenched in deep blue light. 

“You’re like… really, really hot…,” HJ moans, his vocals palpitating. “…Really fucking hot want you to fuck me….”

Seonghwa sloppily, but gently, presses HJ up against the wall, and brings their throbbing bodies together.

“…You’ll let me have you like that…?” Seonghwa nearly whispers, and he drags his lips down HJ’s neck, reverberations climbing the ladder in his throat. 

Seonghwa doesn’t want to kiss HJ on his lips. Well, he does, he’s just not sure if that’s a great idea, or if HJ wants all of that.

And HJ isn’t seeming to initiate anything of that exact nature either.

So it’s chill, it’s fine, they can keep it this way. Seonghwa doesn’t always kiss when hooking up anyway. He doesn’t even know why he’s thinking about it that profoundly, doesn’t know why he’s so fixated on the glassy red pucker of HJ’s lips. 

“Do you have anything on you…,” HJ asks faintly. 

“If by anything you mean condoms and lube then no sorry, wasn’t exactly planning on going on vacation with my family and fucking around.”

“I don’t have one either,” HJ sulks. 

“I’m not about to ask a horny stranger for a spare condom.”

It’s not an option to proceed without protection. Seonghwa doesn’t even know this guy. HJ could’ve slept with every willing participant in Shinjuku over the past sixty days. Going about it raw is not at all a safe course of action, but Seonghwa is still ridiculously tempted. 

“…Do you have lube with you at least?”

“What a rude assumption, you’re rude…,” HJ frowns, and he leaves an aggressive little bite in the space between Seonghwa’s neck and shoulder. 

Seonghwa kisses HJ along his jaw, apologetic, from his chin to the shell of his ear. He senses HJ tugging on his knit sweater, now sucking at his neck. Just the feeling of HJ’s mouth on his skin is making Seonghwa think some crazy things, his imagination is in hyperdrive. 

“…Spit?”

HJ surfaces for air, shakes his head, and gives Seonghwa puppy dog eyes. “Won’t be good enough, I’m really, really tight….”

Seonghwa grinds his hips on HJ in response and they both exhale in rapture.

“…Will you call me baby? Please- _please_ call me baby….”

HJ sprinkles miniature kisses on Seonghwa’s collarbone.

“Baby… mhm, anything you want…,” Seonghwa coos, and he cups his hands on HJ’s ass and grinds on him rougher. 

HJ is mewling; inspired, inflamed. “Y-You’re making me wet….”

“How wet baby can I see.”

Fighting his own breath, HJ unfastens his pants and tweaks them down to his knees. 

“Can I touch you?”

With HJ’s small nod in approval, Seonghwa paws at the tent in his underwear, and HJ suspires in a tactile gratification. 

Seonghwa slips his hand in HJ’s underwear and starts stroking his length with a careful solid grasp. 

Head lolling and sighs like singing, HJ removes all of the various rings on his right hand fingers, and reaches around woozily to store the jewelry in Seonghwa’s back pocket. 

He unbuttons and unzips Seonghwa’s pants, and Seonghwa had literally forgotten how much better it feels having someone else’s hand around him like this. 

“Oh my fucking god your cock feels good…,” HJ gasps unsteadily, “…it’s so- i-it’s so stunning…? It’s so _hard_ I don’t think- I don’t think I’d even be able to _breathe_ if you fucked me….”

“Baby no I would want you to breathe, I would want you to breathe… I could fuck you slow…?” 

And he slows his rhythm on HJ’s arousal to an agonizing pace.

“Oh my _fucking god_ Seong- Hwa-” HJ chokes out, arching his back on the wall, his eyes closed feather-light. 

Seonghwa had almost assumed that HJ had forgotten his name, or didn’t care.

He might’ve reduced his pace on HJ but HJ has not slowed his pumping on Seonghwa’s cock and Seonghwa is astronomically aroused. If this doesn't turn out to be the best damn orgasm of his life he’ll be sorely surprised. 

HJ is actually really… cute. He’s a firecracker, sure, but he’s cute, very small, and his voice is actually very pretty. He kind of fits perfectly in Seonghwa’s arms and he’s kind of the perfect height if Seonghwa were to kiss the crown of his head. 

Seonghwa feels unjustifiably protective of him, he’s relieved that nobody is approaching them in the darkroom. No way in hell he’s going to share HJ with anyone. But the sounds of strangers moaning and fucking around them are surreal, provoking, and almost nonexistent all at the same time. 

Seonghwa is finding it increasingly difficult to keep from kissing HJ’s lips. He just keeps alternating between lapping at HJ’s piercings and sucking down and all over his neck, more than likely leaving some memories on his skin in the process. He occasionally pecks at HJ’s temples, too.

Seonghwa kisses past HJ’s Adam’s apple and resumes jerking him off unbridled. 

“Oh _god_ fuck- yes- f-faster-”

He repositions them up against the wall by hooking his free arm underneath one of HJ’s knees. 

It looks like HJ has two tattoos on either one of his hip bones but they’re indiscernible in the bleary shade.

Seonghwa is surprised at his ability to make any sort of judgement or snap decision in the state that he’s in right now but he pulls HJ’s shirt up and out of the way, tugs HJ’s underwear up over most of his length so that there’s at least some sort of a barrier between them, some sort of protection, and when HJ’s hand falls away from him he angles his body and grinds his dripping cock onto HJ’s clothed one, which has HJ positivity whimpering.

“I wanna cum Seonghwa I wanna cum,” he sobs fervently. 

“…You gonna cum for me baby…?”

“Oh god oh god yeah, yeah I am-” 

Seonghwa keeps his one hand clasped under the leg wrapped around his hips, the fingers on his opposite hand sinking deeper into HJ’s bare ass. “Fuck HJ _fuck_ -”

“…Feels _good_ Seonghwa-”

“Baby you feel so good-” 

“God I want you I want you to _fuck me-_ ”

Seonghwa draws in a shuddered breath. “Want me to fuck your tight little ass?”

HJ is moaning and grabbing at Seonghwa’s shirt frantically. “ _Fuck_ Seonghwa show me how deep you’re gonna fuck my ass, fucking me h-harder, and _faster_ and faster-”

Seonghwa witnesses his own seams coming undone, as if he’s watching this disentanglement from outside of his body, he can only whisper.

“… _Fuck_ … y-you’re _beautiful_.”

_“Fuck!_ ”

It’s HJ’s high-pitched gasp that knocks Seonghwa out, he feels the wiring in his brain kink and then unravel, and he’s respiring harshly in devastating pleasure as he cums on HJ’s abdomen. 

HJ’s nails are digging into Seonghwa, near the dimples on his lower back, HJ’s other hand clutching desperately on the front of Seonghwa’s shirt. Their breathing is so heavy, as they continue to rock and sway with each other. 

Seonghwa kisses his cheeks, his forehead, and HJ whimpers, as if these kisses sting. 

HJ’s one leg remains hitched around Seonghwa’s hip. Seonghwa’s fingers are pressing lighter now into HJ’s thigh, and it’s soft and sticky like cotton candy. 

Seonghwa’s other hand is pushing flat on the wall behind them, holding the both of them together by a dangerous thread. 

He wishes there was someplace comfortable to lie HJ down. The shorter boy is limp and leaden, and he slowly brings his thigh down, resting his head on Seonghwa’s chest. He’s hiding his face on Seonghwa’s heart, that’s been reduced to a drowned down ringing, much like the treble living inside of the club’s sound system. 

HJ’s hair smells like strawberries, with a hint of weed.

He nuzzles into Seonghwa, quiet. Clinging to him like a baby koala. 

“…Um, HJ, are you okay?”

“Yeah… I’m… I’ll be okay. Please, just hold me for a minute.”

And he does, Seonghwa holds him, his heart drumming so hard now it almost hurts, but he doesn’t feel any pain, really.

After a minute or two, Seonghwa captures a fuddled memory of a bandana that he had noticed earlier, tied around one of HJ’s belt loops. 

He reaches blindly in the dark for the patch of fabric and manages to unbind it from HJ’s pants, and uses it to clean the both of them up, as best as he can.

“I hope this wasn’t Gucci or anything.”

“It’s not.”

Seonghwa folds the bandana into a square as HJ does up his pants, and he sticks it in one of HJ’s front pockets, before he fastens his own pants back into place. 

Seonghwa is only able to locate a sketch of HJ’s unspoken eyes and the tip of his nose in the dusk.

“Want to get some fresh air?”

As they make their way through the deafening club towards the exit, Seonghwa feels HJ’s fingers brush up against his, and HJ laces their hands together. 

Seonghwa doesn’t know why this of all things is eliciting the highest number of flips and somersaults from his stomach. 

He also doesn’t know why he’s so damn disappointed when HJ lets go of his hand as soon as they’re outside, breeze revitalizing, the scarlet lanes not as bustling anymore, neon pipelines pointing up to a metropolis with no stars. 

They wander into Lawson and Seonghwa gets a better look at HJ in the bright convenience store lighting, with his black distressed jeans and black combat boots. HJ opts for peach milk and a pack of ring donuts. Seonghwa buys a bottle of water and a few onigiri. 

There’s a dire lack of seating and trash bins in this city Seonghwa has observed, but they find a place to rest near a tree, on the edge of the brick landscaping surrounding it. 

They sit down side by side to the droning sound of an ambulance somewhere nearby, clouds turning the inky sky a grey.

“Do you happen to know anything about why it’s nearly impossible to find trash bins around Tokyo,” Seonghwa asks. 

“Yeah, actually, there was some sort of a terrorist attack a long time ago?” HJ says, pulling his jacket around him tighter and taking a bite of his donut. “I don’t know the whole story but I guess a bomb or some deadly gas or something was hidden inside a bin at a train station and there were a lot of casualties.”

“So they removed them from public places to avoid that happening again.” 

“Yeah,” HJ confirms. 

“Interesting.”

“Yeah, this your first time in Japan?”

“Mhm, have you been here before?”

“No, this has been my first time too.” 

“Oh.”

Seonghwa stares at HJ’s hands.

“Oh, um-”

He fishes for the rings in his pocket, and returns them to HJ in a little pile. HJ continues conversing as he arranges them on his fingers. 

“Where are you staying? How long are you here?”

“In Asakusa.”

“Oh, tourist trap.”

“Yeah, but it’s a nice hotel, and it’s like, a two-minute walk to the train station,” Seonghwa shrugs, “and I’m here for almost three weeks.” 

“Oh,” HJ says. “How old are you? And where are you from.”

“I turned twenty-three last month, born in Jinju living in Seoul.”

HJ just glances at Seonghwa emotionless, and he takes a sip from his tiny milk carton. 

“So, I just gave you all this information about me, you gonna tell me about yourself at all?”

“No,” HJ says, smirking.

“Sounds really unfair but okay.”

Someone rides past them on a bicycle, the chime of the bell fashioning a wavelet in their turf. 

“I turn twenty-three in November,” HJ murmurs. “Thanks for the drink… and the dance… and everything else.”

Seonghwa wonders why HJ is being kind of awkward. Not that Seonghwa _isn’t_ being awkward, he’s not one to judge, but HJ probably does this every single night with a new person. Maybe Seonghwa really ought to stop making assumptions. 

“I should probably go…,” Seonghwa admits, bringing himself to his feet, thinking about the long ride back to his hotel. 

“Do you need to call for a taxi?” HJ asks, standing up too.

“Oh, I mean, I’ll just take the train.”

“Last Train is at midnight.”

“Oh, shit.”

“I’ll pay for your taxi,” HJ says, and before Seonghwa can blink HJ is handing him a 5000 yen note. 

Seonghwa gawks at him.

“I- no, no, that’s- unnecessary,” he sputters, “I’ve got it covered, I can’t just take your money like that.”

“You wouldn’t be taking it from me, I’m giving it to you.” 

HJ folds up the cash and slots it in between Seonghwa’s harness and chest. 

Seonghwa removes it with a sigh, wraps his arms around HJ, and slips the bill into HJ’s back pocket. 

He keeps HJ in his embrace, but pulls back to see him scrunch up his nose in an indignant yet harmless scowl, his cheeks still flushed from the contents of the evening. 

Seonghwa feels his phone buzz, perfect timing; the perfect opportunity for Seonghwa to let go of HJ’s body and for him to break their gaze because HJ’s face is perilously close to his for the third time tonight, to the point where he can feel HJ’s climate casting off of him, and to the point where a strange urge to kiss his nose tore through Seonghwa’s consciousness. 

  
  


**Sanni:**

im just gonna assume that u & hj left together

**Seonghwa:**

Where the hell did you end up

**Sanni:**

went over to wooyoungs place to help him study 

**Seonghwa:**

Oh 👀

**Sanni:**

shut uppppp

**Seonghwa:**

Sorry for ditching you 

**Sanni:**

lol bb i was not even surprised 🤠

**Seonghwa:**

Can we hang out again asap 

🥺

**Sanni:**

yesssss ill let u know we should grab dinner after i get off school 

and next weekend for sure

u owe me details 😉

  
  


Before Seonghwa puts his phone away he glances up, to see HJ watching him in subdued thought. Their eyes meet, but only until HJ turns his face away, chary and repressed.

He simply holds his hand out, palm up. 

Wordlessly, Seonghwa closes his messages with San, and hands HJ his phone. 

“If you’re bored, or need a break from your family, or if you miss me.”

HJ gives Seonghwa his phone back after he’s finished typing in his number. 

“Okay.”

They study each other’s faces. 

“Are you gonna make it home okay, on your own?”

HJ continues staring at Seonghwa for a moment more, says nothing, and looks at him now as if he had said something unusual. 

“Yeah… thank you.” 

Neither of them can bring themselves to smile. 

HJ gathers his trash with him, flashes Seonghwa a peace sign, and he’s gone. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> they could’ve just gone to a love hotel but no they were impatient lol 🙄
> 
> hello thank you so much for stopping by to check this out!!! 💕💕💕
> 
> this is super self-indulgent as I miss tokyo 🥺 I lived in japan when I studied abroad, in a city about an hour west of tokyo called hachioji and I won’t ramble about it here lol but I’ve been back on a family trip and a solo trip since then and it’s safe to say that it’s one of my favorite places on earth! 
> 
> like, if anyone ever wants to chat about traveling in general hmu I miss traveling so much, it was an incredible privilege that I took for granted ❤️ there’s no perfect place on earth but we can find an exceptional comfort and a connection in certain places we’ve been to and I think that’s so cool 💖 sike there is a perfect place in this world: in seonghwa’s arms 🥺❤️ lmao told myself I was gonna be serious and mature in the notes for this story but I don’t think that’s gonna happen fam 😔
> 
> ⭐️ seonghwa’s outfit inspo: [here](https://ibb.co/tCrCcxp)  
> 👼 HJ’s hair & makeup inspo: [here](https://ibb.co/T8MxhXX)
> 
> chapter 2 will be up next week, same place same time 🥰🌟
> 
> ()()()()()()()()
> 
> tokyo runaways playlist: 🏮 [here](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLsenJSIypLnyfjjq8b_sdbOM4fFaLTBI2) 🏮
> 
> ()()()()()()()()
> 
> twitter: hj_pan_cake


	2. skydiving // no guts, no glory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ⭐️  
> TW / CW in this chapter:  
> smut (before the page break)  
> brief implication of OCD tendencies (after the page break)  
> drinking  
> ⭐️

It’s Sunday and Seonghwa is in Ueno at the Tokyo Natural Museum with his family, staring blankly at a sculpture of a multi-armed god while thinking about what it would be like to fuck HJ’s ass. 

Maybe they ought to stop by a shrine or a temple on their way back to the hotel so that he can pray for forgiveness. 

Seonghwa sighs defeatedly as his sister comes up beside him. 

“You’ve been staring at this one for a while,” Seung-yeon laughs, bemused. “You really like it that much?”

“Uh, sure.” 

There’s not much to go off of with the name _HJ._

The most Seonghwa has been able to do is look through San’s mutuals on social media, searching for any names that begin with H, but he finds nothing. He did find Wooyoung in San’s mutuals and checked through his too, and even Mingi’s because Seonghwa is desperate. 

Mingi was another high school classmate of Seonghwa’s, who he hasn’t kept in great touch with, but San reminded him that Mingi is here too, studying abroad at Bunka Fashion College.

Maybe HJ isn’t into social media? Who is this mysterious boy who Seonghwa rubbed dicks with on Friday night. 

After their riveting time at the museum, Seonghwa and his family eat street food for lunch across the way at Ameya-Yokocho market. They do some shopping at the heart of boisterous local vendors and eventually bring the bonding time to a close by dawdling around the spacious grounds of Ueno Park. All the while his parents bitch purposelessly about trivial things, and when Seung-yeon isn’t on her phone taking selcas, she’s on her phone texting.

Admittedly, Seonghwa has been on his phone more often today than he ever typically does as of lately, to check for any messages from San, and to pause fleetingly each time he does, struggling to decide whether or not he wants to send out a text to anyone else. 

  
  


_If you’re bored, or need a break from your family, or if you miss me._

  
  


Seonghwa is the one with the contact information, after all. Seonghwa is the one who’s going to make the first move, or nothing at all. 

The imitation bird chirps at the traffic light prance at Seonghwa’s heels as they cross the street at the intersection leading to their hotel. Ueno is only a ten-minute train ride away from Asakusa so he’s back at homebase in no time after a comparatively draining day. His legs ache from all of the walking, not only from today, but from the days prior as well. All of the exploring thus far is starting to catch up with him, and it’s making him realize what a lazy piece of shit he is when he’s at home living normal life. 

The hotel lobby is quaint and Seonghwa has noticed that there’s always at least one front desk person who stands in the foyer and bows every time a guest arrives or departs the building. There was even an employee there to greet Seonghwa when he returned in the early hours of morning on Saturday. 

Seonghwa’s room has just enough space for his luggage, and for him to take the two whole steps from the bed to the bathroom. It’s nice though, incredibly clean with a mini fridge and a full-body mirror. His parents’ room is the room directly to the left of his, and his sister’s on the right. 

It’s late afternoon and now that Seonghwa is free from his family for the day he’s determined to soak in the tub for a while and just unwind. 

And he’s sick and tired of wrestling with himself over it so he finally does what he’s been wanting to do all day. He seriously needs to sit down and have a little talk with himself about why, exactly, he wants to initiate this. 

  
  


**Seonghwa:**

Hi

This is Seonghwa 

  
  


But he’d rather relax in a scorching hot bath than have deep conversations with himself so he moves on from it and places his phone aside on the lid of the toilet. He sets his iPad up there too, gets the water running, and strips his clothes. 

After settling into the body of water and closing his eyes for a moment or two, he wipes his hands off on his towel hanging nearby and finds something to watch on his tablet. 

And when he checks his phone, after feeling restless only a few minutes into the video, there’s a message notification waiting for him. 

  
  


**HJ:**

hi

  
  


Seonghwa stares at the text. To make sure that it’s real. At this point he’s lost count of how many times he’s wracked his memory to recall if HJ himself was real or just an ambivalent daydream that his slight hangover had concocted. The dancer at the bar with his cherry stem. 

  
  


**Seonghwa:**

Hey

How are you 

**HJ:**

good

you?

**Seonghwa:**

Fine 

How was your day

**HJ:**

it was ok

boring

how was yours

**Seonghwa:**

Mine was ok too

Went to Ueno

**HJ:**

ueno is the place with the zoo 

and museums?

**Seonghwa:**

Yeah 

I liked it there

You been?

**HJ:**

i think wooyoung took me there when i first got here 

i liked it too

oh 

shit

wooyoung is who i’m staying with here 

i don’t remember exactly what i told you

idk what you remember

**Seonghwa:**

Yeah you mentioned your roommate 

And I guess my friend San goes to the same school as him

San told me that you’ve been here for a couple of months?

**HJ:**

yes

why did he tell you about me

**Seonghwa:**

Because when I saw you I wanted to know who you were

  
  


Seonghwa doesn’t hear back for a little while. He tries to immerse himself in this random vlog that was recommended to him, with a group of eight guys who apparently just recently started uploading dance videos. 

When his phone eventually does vibrate, he forces himself to count to ten before checking it. 

  
  


**HJ:**

what are you doing

**Seonghwa:**

Nothing

In the bath watching Youtube 

**HJ:**

prove it

  
  


Seonghwa presses pause on his tablet, after pausing for a moment himself.

He video calls HJ. 

It rings for maybe three and a half times before they’re connected and Seonghwa sees HJ’s face. 

He’s lying on his stomach on a couch, wearing a full face of makeup again, rich hues of eyeshadow and lustered lips. His hair is pinned away from his face in a set of pastel-colored clips. 

He appears to be sporting a thin velvet choker, his assorted intermixing of earrings, and nothing else. Dear Jesus. 

“You’re naked?” Seonghwa asks stupidly. 

“Yeah there’s no air conditioning in this shitty place, it’s hot today.”

It was a bit of a warmer day today, Seonghwa was aware of that. This must be the reason why HJ looks flushed pink across his cheeks and nose.

Sure, he’s lounged out on his stomach, so Seonghwa can’t see _everything_ but it’s fairly obvious that he isn’t wearing any clothes. Seonghwa can see his face, shoulders, ass poking out in the background, and his legs sweeping back and forth. 

So they just so happen to both be nude right now over video call. Great. 

“There’s air conditioning in the hotel, you should come over,” Seonghwa offers, “so I can hold you again.”

HJ almost seems to get flustered at that, as if he definitely remembers being held by Seonghwa, or maybe he didn’t remember until just now. He scowls for a split second before he glides his tongue over his bottom lip anxiously, swiping stray hairs away from his blushing face, collecting himself.

“Join you in the bath?”

“It’s kinda small for two people,” Seonghwa says, “you could sit right here.”

He angles his phone down towards his lap, but only for a nanosecond. 

“I might fit,” HJ smirks subtly. 

“How big are you,” he goes on to ask. 

Seonghwa quirks up an eyebrow. “You don’t remember from the other night?”

“It was dark.”

“HJ, weed is illegal here you should be careful.”

“Oh it’s chill somebody just gave me some and I don’t normally smoke anyway,” HJ says in his defense. “What are you, my mom? My nagging wife?”

It’s Seonghwa’s turn to blush. 

“Don’t try to change the subject,” HJ continues. “How big is your cock.”

“Damn, no pressure or anything…,” Seonghwa mumbles.

Somewhat inhibited, he lifts himself up and onto his knees, water trickling off of his body in disrupted stripes. He grabs his member and holds his phone out accordingly. 

“Nothing to brag about,” Seonghwa says, and he wonders for how long he should just point his phone at his naked dick. 

“You’re too modest,” he hears HJ murmur, indistinct. 

Seonghwa brings his phone up to his face as he returns to his submerged state in the bath water.

And as it sloshes around Seonghwa’s form, fabricating ripples with nowhere to run away to, Seonghwa and HJ stare at each other through screens. 

Instinctively, Seonghwa flicks his tongue across his lip ring, and strokes himself a few times, leisurely, just to gauge HJ’s reaction, and also because he is undeniably half hard. 

HJ remains lying there with his chin leaning on his palm, his pinky finger in between his teeth, eyes gazing down, clearly watching how Seonghwa’s arm is moving.

Seonghwa stops, wets his lips yet again, and runs his hand through his dampened hair.

“Why’d you stop,” HJ questions plainly. 

“Walls are thin.”

“What, don’t want anyone hearing you scream my name?”

Seonghwa doesn’t even have time to think through his options for possible comebacks to that before HJ grabs something off screen. He’s reaching for something, and doing something that requires both hands. 

The vantage point in their virtual world shifts when HJ plucks his phone and sets it back, further from him, on a surface parallel to the couch; a coffee table? 

Seonghwa now has a full side view of HJ on all fours, his upper half resting down on one of his forearms, lower half in the air as he starts fingering at his ass with the lubricated digits on his other hand. 

Okay, so this is happening.

Watching in mild perplexity, Seonghwa begins jerking himself off without hesitation, and he feels the temperature skyrocket in the bubble surrounding him. 

Neither of them have said anything but Seonghwa, without a doubt, can hear HJ breathing with more and more backbone, more of an appetite. 

“Bet your fingers can’t get deep enough, can they,” Seonghwa tries. “Want me to help you with that?”

“Shut the fuck up,” HJ whines. 

Seonghwa reposes back on the tile behind him. “…What are you thinking about?”

“You really need me to say it? You’re- you’re thinking about it too….”

“Yeah but I wanna hear you say it, your voice is really pretty.”

HJ huffs, and closes his eyes in a focus that looks bittersweet to keep up. 

“…Thinking about you fucking me Seonghwa-” 

He tried to deliver it with grit, but he comes across as rather soft.

And Seonghwa feels himself swim past the point of it merely being about the friction; he feels his toes curling in approval at the swelling fulfillment arising from some unknown place that never becomes less of a phenomenon.

“Fucking your pretty little body?” he rasps, still managing to convey a tenderness that is exclusively his. 

This has HJ driving his fingers in faster, his eyes now open in an ignited lust. 

“You want my ass on your cock? You want a sweet little ass for your cock?”

The only thing Seonghwa can do to curb his moans is gnaw at his lower lip, as he tries to maintain an angle for both his body and his phone, one that enables both his face and his arousal to be in frame. 

“…Baby you like cock? Show me how much you love cock.”

A sob hurtles through HJ’s sternum, shrill and yearning. 

“Y-Your big… hard, _wet_ cock yeah,” HJ gasps as he decelerates slightly, thrusting his fingers in deeper, respiring with flowery lungs. “Fuck it’s hot in here… god your cock….”

“It- it is fucking hot,” Seonghwa gulps in agreement. He isn’t sure if the condensation beading at his forehead is water or sweat.

“Want me to finish you off Seonghwa…? I could suck on your warm cock… or- or you wanna watch me fuck myself on your cock? I- I could fuck your cock _so good_ with my ass….”

Dizzy, engrossed and quenched, Seonghwa concentrates on the head of his length, jerking at it briskly, his fist splashing the water’s surface as he witnesses HJ misplace his goddamn mind. 

He’s panting unalloyed, watching Seonghwa through eyelids dozing in reverie.

“You like it fast?”

“And you like it deep?” Seonghwa counters. 

HJ almost glowers as he whimpers with a certain frailty. 

Seonghwa captures the biggest breath he can find. 

“You gonna cum untouched?”

“…Yeah… yeah… gonna cum hard for you…,” HJ moans, dissolving somewhere between savage and meek. 

“Touch yourself baby.”

With a look of urgency in his eyes, HJ seizes a pillow within his reach, bites down onto it, and proceeds to finger himself ardently with one hand while simultaneously jerking himself off with the other. 

The bath water was already boiling to begin with and everything in sight is steamy now; with a sticky heat dancing across Seonghwa’s skin at the sound of HJ’s shameless moaning, filtered by the cushion in his mouth. 

“ _Fuck_ baby that- that sounds like it feels good…?”

HJ releases the pillow from his bite and smashes his cheek into it, his face turned towards his phone.

“ _Seonghwa_ cum inside my ass-”

Seonghwa just about drops his phone in the bath in an urge to cover his mouth, but he catches himself. 

He sinks his teeth down hard on his lip instead and aims his phone downwards entirely so that HJ can see him cum, his feet frantically trying to find purchase in the tub, the forefront of his mind tripping into a paradise. 

Seonghwa’s eyes were screwed shut when HJ gave way; he’s subsided now face-down, breathing triumphantly. 

HJ’s arms are thin and fair, loose and strung above his head. 

Seonghwa feels weighted and flimsy, lost and found, all at the same time. 

“…Are you having a good vacation…?” 

It’s a smile that descended from a castle in the air that colors HJ’s dewy face. 

“…Am now.”

They just look at each other through the veil, rubescent cheeks budding, chests quivering with their pulses voyaging down from the wreckage. 

HJ keeps his eyes on Seonghwa, and nuzzles his cheek into the pillow alongside a small whine. 

“…I, uh, need to clean my jizz off the couch now, so….”

He lifts himself up and off of his stomach and Seonghwa can’t help but notice the sticky remnants on the head of HJ’s cock. 

HJ bends forward, extending his arm and arching his back in order to reach his phone, and he brings it closer to his face. 

In the little rectangle display on his end, Seonghwa can see the markings that are still there on HJ’s neck, and there’s definitely some on Seonghwa too that he had noted, where HJ dug his nails in and nipped around Seonghwa’s collarbones in the darkroom.

Seonghwa isn’t there with him. It just dawns on Seonghwa that he’s not there with him right now, not there to coast his hands down HJ’s back, or to kiss his brow, or-

What the hell is this, exactly. Does Seonghwa like this guy? Does he have a crush on HJ or something.

After they exist inside this delay for a moment more, HJ waves his hand, with his thumb tucked in. 

“Bye.”

They’re both kind of shocked, blissed-out by a mile. 

“Right, okay, bye.”

_What the fuck just happened._

When their video call ends, Seonghwa leaves the lukewarm water behind, dries his body off numbly, and changes into comfortable clothes. He crawls into bed with his hair still damp.

They can’t keep doing this fuck and dip thing. Or maybe they can but Seonghwa would really prefer not to because it’s kind of thorny as hell. Maybe they can warm up to functioning more like normal conversational adults with hobbies and interests and lives. 

Maybe there’s hope for them yet. Hope with a three-week time limit. 

  
  


**Seonghwa:**

How many tattoos do you have 

I think I saw you have some 

  
  


He doesn’t get a reply for a good twenty minutes or so. 

  
  


**HJ:**

yes i have 3 

do you have any 

**Seonghwa:**

No 

I don’t have any ideas

But I would like some 

**HJ:**

you should 

i might want more

but i want more piercings 

**Seonghwa:**

Aren’t you running out of room for more piercings 

**HJ:**

never lol

my tongue is next 👅

**Seonghwa:**

Sounds painful 

**HJ:**

yeah

if i can find a place to get it done here 

would you come with me?

**Seonghwa:**

Sure

**HJ:**

rlly?

**Seonghwa:**

Yeah

Hold your hand

**HJ:**

thank you 

**Seonghwa:**

No problem

**HJ:**

matching tongue piercings? 👀

**Seonghwa:**

No 

Lol 

My lip took long enough to heal

Wanna be able to use my tongue while I’m on vacation 

**HJ:**

that would be a shame 

if you weren’t able to use your tongue while you’re here 

  
  


Seonghwa genuinely doesn’t know how to respond to that so he doesn’t for a decent amount of time. His consciousness is glazed over, watching the sun vanish behind the bright red logo at the top of the Bandai headquarters building that he has a perfect view of right outside his hotel room window. 

  
  


**Seonghwa:**

Yeah

**HJ:**

wanna get shitfaced and help me dye my hair 

  
  


He asks it literally out of nowhere. 

To be quite frank, Seonghwa feels cozy in bed after his bath and he doesn’t really want to go out anywhere. He just wants to lie there and eat his convenience store katsu sandwich but he will get up and go out for an invitation such as this. 

  
  


**Seonghwa:**

Ok

**HJ:**

i think wooyoung will be at school 

for a few more hours 

here’s the address if you wanna come 

()()()()()()()()

The sun is down and Seonghwa doesn’t feel weird going out unexpectedly.

He used to be a very scheduled person; if anything ever went unplanned it would feel scary and unsettling, guaranteed.

He used to deep-clean the apartment every Sunday and Wednesday, no exceptions, no excuses. He was thrown into internal war with himself if he wasn’t able to secure his midday coffee with seven pumps of syrup in it every day by 2:00PM at the very latest. 

Numbers and time used to consume him but now most things bounce off him like oil and water.

Somewhere along the line he got tired and gave up a little and he finds himself going about things more spontaneously now, and the giving up in and of itself isn’t the greatest thing but unlearning some of his rigid inclinations is a positive thing probably. 

A slumbering commuter train takes Seonghwa back to fizzing and ringing Shinjuku, and he finds himself on the fourth floor of a narrow apartment building with his hands plunged in his pockets, standing in front of a humble, nondescript doorway. 

HJ is standing on the other side of the threshold with an empty expression on his face, his eyeshadow smudged now, silver hair down and just barely grazing past his eyebrows. He’s wearing a sleeveless crop top, grey sweatpants. He looks even more petite without his combat boots on, little blue house slippers taking their place instead. 

They blink back at each other.

Seonghwa isn’t sure what to expect for tonight, he can take a wild guess but he doesn’t know what HJ’s motives are really. He’s just going to take the leap and go off of HJ’s signals. 

Once inside the compact entrance, Seonghwa removes his shoes and slides on a pair of red slippers that HJ lays out for him.

It’s a tiny one-bedroom apartment and it is fairly stuffy up here, HJ wasn’t lying about the air conditioning.

Seonghwa takes off his cardigan and tosses it on the couch in the living room before he follows HJ into the kitchen; he’s just wearing a plain black t-shirt underneath, something that he won’t grieve over if they accidentally get hair dye on it.

They haven’t spoken a single word to each other and Seonghwa finds it funny that somehow it doesn’t feel uncomfortable at all. There’s a mutual acceptance, an unexplained fellow feeling between them, at the core of whatever it is that’s unfolding in front of their portrait. 

HJ pries the refrigerator open and hands Seonghwa what looks to be a can of beer, taking one for himself too. 

The both of them pop open their cans and toast to something or other. 

They monitor one another through softened eyes, and they may or may not be silently competing over who can guzzle down their first drink the fastest. 

“Here, help me grab all these,” HJ utters as he starts collecting more from the refrigerator into his arms.

There’s limited space remaining on the bathroom countertop by the time they place all of their refreshments down next to the boxes of hair dye that HJ already had set out. 

He bought a few different colors, there’s a chestnut brown, a light pink, a pumpkin orange, and a jet black. 

“You can choose one for yourself if you want,” he tells Seonghwa. 

“Okay, thanks.”

They stand in the bathroom, HJ leaning against the counter in front of the sink, Seonghwa against the wall opposite of him. He ignores his reflection in the mirror behind HJ and the two of them drink and eye each other watchfully, light-footed. 

“Fuck…,” HJ exhales, his head lolling a bit. 

“What is this shit,” Seonghwa asks as he squints at his can in search of the alcohol percentage. 

“It’s called Strong Zero.”

“Holy shit.”

“The room is spinning isn’t it,” HJ says merrily. 

The room isn’t carouseling for Seonghwa quite yet, he more or less can hold his liquor well, but the buzz is surprising him and he watches HJ lazily, who’s searching for some music on his phone, dropping it down on the counter a little too carelessly after he finds a song to play. 

He moves in closer to Seonghwa, or maybe he had been that close all along, and he wraps his arms around Seonghwa’s waist, tipping back torpid, unhurried. 

“So, are we gonna to read the hair dye instructions or just say fuck it?”

Seonghwa hums as he pretends to ponder their options, letting his body click in perfect place with HJ’s, a static heat deriving off of their arms, skin on skin. 

“Fuck it,” he whispers in HJ’s ear. 

Somewhere in the near distance, the sound of a door slamming shut nestles in between the layers of HJ’s music and HJ’s indecent sighing on Seonghwa’s neck. 

“HJ?” a voice rings from the entryway of the apartment. 

HJ tenses, just for a second, and then loosens. 

“Uh yeah I’m here.”

A guy appears in the form of a breathless whirlwind in the bathroom doorway, carrying a bundle of grocery bags in both hands. He has a bookbag on his shoulders and his dark hair is styled up in a ponytail. 

Seonghwa takes an unsteady step back, but HJ keeps his hands clutching onto Seonghwa’s shirt. 

“This is Seonghwa. San’s friend.”

“Oh hey nice to meet you! I’m Wooyoung, you having a good time in Tokyo?” he asks, shaking his fringe out of his face. 

“Yeah, yeah it’s been nice, and it’s nice to meet you too. San has said great things about you.”

Wooyoung smiles good-naturedly at Seonghwa and then peers at the hair products and the copious amount of canned beverages behind them. 

“Okay… have fun. Just, if you can, try to keep it down a little bit? I have a conference call for a group project.”

Group projects? Exams? Seonghwa’s vision of culinary school has been way off. 

Maybe it’s for the best, that Wooyoung is home now and that Seonghwa isn’t here with HJ alone. Seonghwa needs to calm down and rediscover some self-control for fucks sake. It’s kind of dangerous how badly he wants to dick this guy down just at the sheer sight of him. 

After Wooyoung leaves them to go put his groceries away, Seonghwa clears his throat and looks back down at the boy pinned against the sink, who’s now holding one of the hair dye manuals in his hands like a map, peeking up at Seonghwa overtop the edge of the paper. 

“We probably should read the instructions in all honesty. Don’t wanna fuck up your hair,” Seonghwa says.

HJ blinks at the sheet of paper.

“Oh. Right. It’s written in Japanese.”

He sputters and Seonghwa ends up laughing out loud along with him, the both of them stumbling into each other but promptly remembering to lower their volume.

HJ flings the paper over his shoulder, pops open a new drink and takes a swig. 

He pulls down the waistband of his pants, just enough to reveal matching tattoos on both of his hip bones. They’re mirrored wings, a butterfly torn in half. 

“Since you asked about them.”

“Oh.”

“I designed them.”

“This is your art?”

“Mhm.”

Seonghwa wouldn’t have expected such delicate art from HJ, something tells him that he would’ve envisioned an approach of a bolder nature. 

“Can I?” Seonghwa asks.

HJ nods, just twice. 

Lightly, Seonghwa traces one of the wings with his fingertips, it’s smooth and he imagines HJ in a blanket of foliage and blossoms with a butterfly landed on his shoulder, or HJ with silver wings of his very own. 

Seonghwa’s fingers toy cautiously at the elastic of HJ’s sweatpants, and he slips his fingers inside just ever so slightly. 

HJ isn’t wearing any underwear and Seonghwa could cry at how painful this knowledge is. 

HJ hoists himself up onto the bathroom counter and keeps tugging down on his waistband. 

“Do you like them?”

“I do, they’re so pretty, will you tell me more about them some day?” Seonghwa says, because he’d bet money that HJ still isn’t going to tell him shit about anything even if he asks.

“Mhm,” is his answer, and it’s feathery and maybe not so sincere. 

HJ’s torso is slight, his stomach flat and soft. 

Seonghwa struggles to comprehend where the sound is coming from, until he realizes that it’s issuing from his lips, as he’s leaving very light kisses now on one of HJ’s butterfly wings. 

He kisses up to HJ’s belly button, and trails back down, adding his tongue.

He hears HJ’s breath hitch, and he’s whining, as Seonghwa avoids coming in direct contact with his arousal. There’s a warmth emanating from HJ’s stomach, his skin melted, muscles disarmed. 

“ _Seonghwa_ ….”

HJ’s hands are twisted in Seonghwa’s hair so Seonghwa stamps his lips down some more, with added pressure and tongue, HJ’s legs squirming on either side of him. 

He is insanely tempted to mouth at the bulge in HJ’s pants, there are so many things Seonghwa wants to say, if they had a space all to themselves.

_Will you let me taste you?_

_What if we took our clothes off?_

_Should we take a bath together?_

With a breathy moan, HJ kicks an open can of Strong Zero and it spills all over the surface that’s serving as their island. 

“ _Fuck_.”

They’re both busting their lungs, Seonghwa’s face now smashed onto HJ’s chest, and HJ starts cry-laughing. 

“I spilled the drink I spilled the drink,” he pouts. 

Seonghwa pulls HJ down from his perch, he’s limp in Seonghwa’s embrace, and they do a woozy little waltz over to the wall where Seonghwa presses HJ up against it clumsily, where they both slide down to the floor, and where HJ ends up slumped in Seonghwa’s lap, a lone acoustic guitar on a cliffside; slow, outlines misty, skydiving into his arms. 

“You wouldn’t hurt me ever… would you…?”

There is an actual sadness there, behind HJ’s words. An uneasy dream, a memory that never even happened, kept in a humid miniature glass observatory.

“God no… who would ever hurt you?”

HJ hides in the crook of Seonghwa’s neck.

“Hey, hey, look at me.”

Seonghwa cups HJ’s face gently until it’s shining up at him, his face so round, his hands grasping onto the front of Seonghwa’s shirt again. 

He smiles at HJ in a sympathy that he hopes covers the brunt of things.

And HJ smiles back; not a lusting smirk, not a fox-like grin, but a melancholy, genuinely beautiful smile, the shape on his face so winsome, a place that Seonghwa would like to come back to again someday. 

HJ begins poking his pointer fingers on Seonghwa’s cheeks. 

“Do you still want to do your hair HJ?”

“Yeah yeah, I wanna be pink.”

“You wanna have pink hair? That’ll be cute.”

“You think it’ll be cute?”

“Yeah, pink, to match your cheeks.” 

“Do you wanna do your hair Seonghwa?”

Seonghwa swears that he’s going to lose his mind at how his name sounds in HJ’s mouth.

“I think it would be fun, to do it together….” 

Like dwindling snow, fallen leaves, they tumble over together, and Seonghwa lies down on top of HJ. 

“Will you choose for me…?” Seonghwa asks. 

“Oh my god… _oh my god_ ….”

HJ is breathing elaborately, Seonghwa can feel his heartbeat flickering, his slacken arms strewn over Seonghwa’s back.

“Is HJ your real name…?”

“…No… no it is not….”

“Life doesn’t feel real…,” Seonghwa mumbles, astray. 

HJ gives a light chuckle, his eyes closed with ease. “…You’re so fucking right, it doesn’t….”

His earrings are embedded in Seonghwa’s jaw. 

“So warm…,” HJ coos. 

And he’s right; it is warm, having somebody to hold on to. 

“It was so hot today Seonghwa….”

Whatever brain cell of Seonghwa’s that’s holding him back from grinding down on HJ right now deserves an award honestly. 

What if they fucked on the bathroom floor. And maybe, just maybe, if they kiss the whole time, Wooyoung and all of the neighbors wouldn’t hear them. Seonghwa is seriously so close to suggesting that they fuck on the bathroom floor. 

“It was hot…,” Seonghwa agrees. “You’ll choose a color for me?”

“Yes.”

With equal parts mental and physical exertion, Seonghwa hauls himself up to his knees, balancing back barely on his toes, gazing down at HJ sprawled out on the floor. He tries to keep his compromised mind from leaping off into a more detailed fantasy about what would be happening right now if this was HJ’s residence and if they were entirely alone.

Somewhat of a rational rainstorm is seeping through for Seonghwa, they do have a goal, after all: to dye HJ’s hair.

As soon as they make it back up to their feet again, they keep hydrated, and tear into the box of pale pink hair dye. 

They go at it with all four of their hands, slapping the creamy mixture onto HJ’s head, and HJ chooses jet black for Seonghwa.

Both kits are equipped with plastic hair caps so they put those on while they wait for the chemicals to sit and saturate, and they take selcas in the mirror, twisting their torsos like models, posing with duck lips and smolders. 

They take a photo together on one of their phones, Seonghwa isn’t sure who’s phone it is, with HJ’s arms roped around Seonghwa, pulling him downwards, and it’s blurry and they both look gone as all fuck.

“I swear to god I’m gonna pee my _fucking_ pants!” HJ shrieks as he’s laughing hysterically at Seonghwa’s sloshed-ass expression in one of the photos. 

“No more drink for you I don’t want your tummy to hurt HJ.”

“You don’t wanna rub my back while I’m bent over the toilet?”

“No not at all.”

“Pick me up!” HJ blurts, flinging his arms around the back of Seonghwa’s neck. 

“I will fall.”

“Pick me _up_ ,” HJ sobs, holding his voice out at the end.

“Why? I’m gonna drop you and I’ll fall and we’ll both end up in the local hospital and I don’t know where that is,” Seonghwa fusses. 

“Then sit in the bathtub with me because my little knees are wobbly.”

They sit side by side in the empty bathtub. HJ curls himself into a ball. Seonghwa has too much leg for that so he lets them hang off the edge instead. 

“It’s like we’re hiding in here,” HJ giggles.

“I guess?”

“Wanna play a game.”

“Sure,” Seonghwa says. 

“Kiss where you think I should get a piercing or a tattoo.”

Seonghwa muses momentarily, blinking in slow motion at the boy snuggled up beside him. 

“Can I lift your shirt up a little bit.”

HJ bobs his head in approval.

He reclines back onto his elbows, while Seonghwa hovers above him. Seonghwa lifts HJ’s shirt up a little bit more than just a little bit, and kisses at the two raised buds on his chest. 

And he does once more, but slower. 

HJ thaws under this touch, liquefying down onto his back as he’s now holding Seonghwa’s head in place. So, again, Seonghwa adds his tongue. 

“ _God_ ….”

He’s moaning tragically, yet hushed, at Seonghwa sucking and swirling his tongue around his nipples.

“Fuck… _fuck_ ….”

Mellow, Seonghwa drags his lips from HJ’s chest down to his stomach, passing by goosebumps on every inch of HJ’s skin. 

“Here, too,” Seonghwa says, kissing HJ’s belly button. 

“M-My belly…?”

“Yeah, maybe not nipples _and_ belly button piercing, just choose one or the other.”

HJ, looking blitzed out, nods in understanding, as if Seonghwa is wise and to be trusted about these things. 

Next, Seonghwa kisses the top of HJ’s hand. 

“You like jewelry a lot, hand tattoos are like permanent jewelry.”

“Oh!” HJ says, seemingly keen towards the idea. 

Lastly, Seonghwa plants a kiss at the tip of HJ’s nose. 

“Septum?” HJ questions. 

“Yeah.”

“I’ve wanted one.”

“It would suit you, but your face is perfect as it is.”

“You flirting with me?”

Seonghwa laughs through his nose. 

He’s literally on top of this guy, stippling his mouth on his body, among other things they’ve already dabbled in doing. Seonghwa doesn’t know if they can call any of this flirting.

“You flirt with all the boys like this…?” HJ murmurs, pursing his lips. 

“God no. You do know that you hooked up with a complete loser, right?”

The blush on HJ’s face flourishes. 

“Your inner self is crying.”

“My inner what.”

“Your inner self, the real you that is able to see all of your good stuff, it’s crying real bad right now because you said mean words about yourself,” HJ explains. 

“Why are you talking in a baby voice.”

“Listen-” HJ states, but he bursts out in laughter not even a second later. 

His laugh is divine, all-consuming like the backside of a waterfall, but wispy like stardust too. 

Seonghwa laughs with him, buoyant and crackled, and helps him up until they’re slumped shoulder to shoulder again. 

“You should get your ears pierced,” HJ speaks low in Seonghwa’s ear, and he kisses at it wholeheartedly. 

“I have my earlobe on this side I just don’t wear earrings in it, I don’t know.”

“Oh, I didn’t notice,” HJ says, his mouth forming a circle. 

Seonghwa leans his head back on the marble wall. “How about tattoos?”

“Um, your whole body.”

“That’ll be expensive,” Seonghwa grumbles.

“I can imagine you with sleeves.”

“Okay then, where are the kisses?”

“I’m shy…,” HJ says quietly. 

“You are _not_ shy.”

HJ giggles on Seonghwa’s arm. 

“You’re making me feel shy….”

  
  


_You wouldn’t hurt me ever would you_ …. 

  
  


Seonghwa draws HJ in a little closer, and enfolds him; a safe space. 

HJ leaves a small kiss on Seonghwa’s bicep and his lips are very soft.

Maybe Seonghwa will get a tattoo one day, in that exact spot. 

They’re silent for a while, aside from HJ hiccuping. 

His music is still playing from his phone somewhere in the minuscule room. 

One of his hands finds its way under Seonghwa’s shirt, and he skims his fingers and rubs his hand along Seonghwa’s upper body with a dazed contemplation. Again, Seonghwa has his fingertips sticking underneath the waistband of HJ’s sweatpants, just resting there on his bare skin. 

Like clockwork, they look at each other.

All of the air and giggling has floated off someplace faraway, leaving HJ’s mouth slightly parted. His eyes are such a decadent brown, Seonghwa can’t believe that these eyes are seeing him, and he wonders in what way these eyes perceive him. 

The only thing Seonghwa can hear in this moment is a recollection of HJ begging to be fucked. 

An alarm goes off, startling the both of them, the beeping undoubtedly coming from Seonghwa’s phone over near the sink.

“What the fuck is that?”

“The timer for our hair,” Seonghwa says, just barely above a whisper.

“Oh, right.”

They stay in the tub and take turns rinsing off their heads under the faucet there, splashing their shirts quite a bit in the process. 

While HJ sits atop the toilet lid, Seonghwa blow-dries his hair for him. 

Their colors turn out just fine; HJ’s a very light bubblegum pink, and Seonghwa’s even inkier than his natural hair color. 

Seonghwa locates hair clippers in the bathroom cabinet and while he uses them to give himself a quick undercut, HJ is crawling on the floor, reaching up for another can of Strong Zero.

“ _No_ ,” Seonghwa says to him, firm yet gentle. 

HJ sits on his bottom, brings his knees into his body, folds his arms around his legs and sulks. 

Wooyoung stops by their hideout on his way to the kitchen, wearing pajama pants and glasses with hexagon frames. 

“I heard the hair dryer, how’s it- oh!” he exclaims, looking them over. “Nice.”

“I’m pink,” HJ announces from his spot on the floor. 

“Yeah, it’s cute honey.”

“Hope you don’t mind that I used this,” Seonghwa says, referring to the hair clippers that he’s now finished with, and he’s suddenly hoping that all of this wasn’t too awkward of a way for the two of them to meet. 

“No worries.”

Wooyoung directs his attention back down at his roommate. “You okay?”

“He won’t let me have my drink,” HJ says in a small voice.

Wooyoung and Seonghwa exchange glances. Wooyoung looks fucking exhausted. 

Seonghwa peers at their cluster of aluminum cans, knocked down and empty. What exactly is HJ trying to run away from. 

“Do you want to sleep?” Seonghwa asks HJ. 

“No I do not want to go to sleep.” 

Wooyoung assists Seonghwa in carrying a very reluctant and bleating HJ to the couch in the living room, and then lumbers off to his bedroom, giving the two of them a moment to themselves to say goodbye.

Seonghwa sits down on the edge of the couch and makes sure that HJ is comfortable. 

“Will you stay and lie here beside me?” HJ asks, the moon through the curtains casting beams on him, and spells on Seonghwa who’s drawn in, like tidewater. 

“I don’t think that’s a good idea… this place isn’t yours, we could ask Wooyoung for permission?”

“Fuck Wooyoung I can do what I want.”

“It’s not polite. Where are your manners?”

“I don’t have any of those.”

“God, HJ…,” Seonghwa sighs. 

His shirt is riding up and his butterfly wings are exposed.

“Do you need a taxi?” HJ wonders aloud. 

“No baby I’ll be okay it’s only 10.”

“Are you drunk?”

“Yeah a little, I’ll be fine.”

“Be careful Prince Charming be careful.”

The cardigan that Seonghwa wore over catches his eye, from where he had thrown it over the armrest of the couch when he first arrived. He rises to his feet to grab it, and he lays it overtop HJ, who soundlessly closes his eyes.

Seonghwa knocks on Wooyoung’s door that’s partially open.

“Thank you for having me over,” he says to Wooyoung, who spins around in his chair at his computer desk. “I’m sorry for the mess we caused- actually, oh my god, I’ll- I’ll go clean that up right now.”

“I’ll help.”

They wipe down the area surrounding the sink, gather unopened drinks to return to the refrigerator; they clean everything up in silence, until Wooyoung speaks out. 

“I know he’s drunk off his ass but still, tonight was the happiest I’ve seen HJ since he got here.”

“Oh. Okay.”

Seonghwa thinks about all of the different sides of HJ he’s seen so far, and yet he still knows nothing about him. 

He thinks about how he got what he wanted today, and more. But he still can’t help but feel a strange sadness in his bones. 

Seonghwa almost wants to take the opportunity to ask Wooyoung more about HJ, to get answers to secrets, but that probably wouldn’t be right of him to do…. 

There’s something there in Wooyoung’s eyes that’s more than just college sleep deprivation.

“How do you know him?”

“He was my neighbor growing up. I’ve known him since we were kids.”

“Oh.”

This changes things. This makes Seonghwa even more curious, but it also makes him straighten his posture a little bit. Why did hearing Wooyoung say that they were childhood friends feel like the equivalent of him saying that he’s HJ’s father or something. 

“I’ll be good to him.”

“Okay,” Wooyoung responds, not skeptically or doubtful exactly, but interested, and mildly entertained.

Seonghwa time-travels through the fluorescent city back to his hotel, the train ride granting him plenty of time to sober up and think. Seonghwa decides that he likes Wooyoung, he got a good vibe from him, and he thinks it’s sweet that this is who San has a crush on. 

He makes it back safe and sound to his post in bed, staring vacantly through the window at the blazing Bandai headquarters sign, and he tells himself that, although it’s not as warm, it is more predictable, it’s more comfortable, being alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HJ drunk in public: little monster mode activated  
> HJ drunk at home: uwu mode activated
> 
> hi guys I wanna thank you so very much for your thoughtful responses on chapter 1!!!! 😭💖 I was rlly excited to see both familiar “faces” and new “faces” here lol I appreciate so much your support in my continued attempts at writing fic!! this is too much fun!! 🥰🥰
> 
> and thanks a whole bunch for stopping by to read this update! 💖💖💖
> 
> welp, let the awkward reverse slow burn commence 😬 see you for next week’s episode of Confused, Horny, and Sad lmao 
> 
> also- wanted to mention/recommend one of my favorite youtube channels to any of you who might be interested in exploring tokyo! ❤️ [NIPPON WANDERING TV](https://www.youtube.com/c/NIPPONWANDERINGTV) ❤️ relaxing high quality walking & biking tours around tokyo 🥰 enjoy!!! 
> 
> ()()()()()()()()
> 
> tokyo runaways playlist: 🏮 [here](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLsenJSIypLnyfjjq8b_sdbOM4fFaLTBI2) 🏮
> 
> ()()()()()()()()
> 
> twitter: hj_pan_cake


	3. maybe you’re my enemy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ⭐️  
> TW / CW in this chapter:  
> nightmare (very beginning)  
> *a little sprinkle of smut* (after the first page break)  
> implied PTSD (implications of intrusive memories)  
> ⭐️

Seonghwa jostles awake from a nightmare. 

He was still in high school, or maybe it was college? 

The buildings in his dream weren’t authentic to any school he’s ever attended in real life. The backdrop was comparable to a college campus, shopping mall, and airport all-in-one. He was utterly alone, he didn’t speak with any of the moving mannequins in the sun-lit cafeteria, or in the eerily endless garden of a schoolyard, or in the dark labyrinth of hallways. He couldn’t find his classrooms, he was late for his classes, the classrooms had walls like caves. It was hectic and he hadn’t graduated yet and everybody was leaving him behind in the quicksand which resulted in a terrifying push and pull, as if he’s tethered to the backs of his peers by impenetrable puppet strings but at the very same time stuck in the rancid, disenchanted cavern of his unresolvable adolescence.

Seonghwa rises in bed with heavy societal expectations on his shoulders, and a groan. 

Why is there something wrong with him. Why does everyone else make it look so easy, so achievable. 

He lowers himself back down and stares fixedly at the ceiling for a questionable amount of time, the silence like vaporous guilt in his ears, until he eventually gets up to splash his face at the bathroom sink. 

Seonghwa genuinely wonders how the hell he’s supposed to carry himself out of this place and onto a train leading somewhere when he was barely capable of lifting himself out of bed. 

It’s late morning. He sits at the end of his hotel room bed, nibbles on some dango for breakfast, and tries to replace the bad feelings with different feelings but the next feelings in line revolve around a complicated set of circumstances.

It’s very nearly identical to that baffling sensation of trying to put two magnets together on their wrong sides. When Seonghwa thinks about him, he feels like dandelion fluff taken away by the wind. 

Seonghwa’s brooding is put on the back burner when his dad comes knocking on his door, and Seonghwa has to remind him that he’s spending the day with San and won’t be joining them. 

Even though Seonghwa is barefaced, his father avoids directly acknowledging him as he speaks. As if he’s frightened to look too closely and see something that he doesn’t understand.

Seonghwa’s mom appears a moment later, stuffing a wad of tissues into her purse, smelling like hairspray and potpourri. She seems just fine with him going off to do his own thing because she’s still recovering from him changing his hair again. 

His parents and sister are taking a day trip about two hours northwest of Tokyo up to Kawagoe, an old town known for its traditional charm, and also known as Little Edo. 

San only has class until early afternoon today so Seonghwa is going to meet up with him and they’re going to shop around and eat. 

  
  


**Sanni:**

so what would ur reaction be 

if i said i invited wooyoung & hj to join us today

  
  


San’s somewhat rueful text is the first thing Seonghwa sees after his family departs and when he droops back down on his bed to check his phone.

  
  


**Seonghwa:**

Are you saying that you invited Wooyoung and HJ to join us today

**Sanni:**

😅

😇

  
  


Along with a pair of black denim jeans, Seonghwa gets dressed in a red-and-black-striped sweater, and the look really compliments his black lip ring and slate-blue contacts. He throws on a belt, and layers on a few different chokers and necklaces. 

He had almost gotten used to the blonde, so when he looks in the mirror now, it’s as if he’s seeing a new person. A sheep in wolves’ clothing.

Seonghwa thinks about his cardigan that he left at Wooyoung’s place, atop a dozing butterfly.

He thinks about the selcas that ended up on his phone from the other night. The sentiment in those photos is found in both elation and dejection. 

It’s nearing 2:00PM when Seonghwa makes it to Shin-Ōkubo, Tokyo’s Korean Town. 

It’s only one stop away from Shinjuku Station; San, Wooyoung, and HJ are already there waiting for him. Shin-Ōkubo Station is a humble little terminal and Seonghwa sees his group right away after crossing through the ticket gate. 

“Oh what the hell you both got new hair?” San asks incredulously as he darts his gaze back and forth between Seonghwa approaching and a bored-looking HJ. 

“Uh yeah, we- did it together, actually,” Seonghwa says.

San’s eyes widen. “Oh, oh, cool, that’s fun.” 

Wooyoung gives San a look.

San gives Seonghwa a look and very conspicuously whips out his phone.

  
  


**Sanni:**

bitch what the fuck 

what happened did anything happen

i want tea i want juicy details 

  
  


Seonghwa stares unfavorably and indifferent at San. He feels awkward and doesn’t know what to do with his arms. 

He slips a glance at HJ and HJ actually seems… normal. Conventional and lucid.

He’s wearing a baggy long-sleeved tee with a flannel wrapped around his waist and a white surgical mask that he’s just now lowering to sit on his chin. A pair of glasses with transparent frames are balancing on the bridge of his nose and the pink hair really did turn out nice, he looks even more like some sort of a pixie or faerie prince.

HJ is arrayed in a lesser amount of earrings today, and a light coat of makeup on his lids and lower lash line. He strikes as softer today, somehow; a diffidence in the partly-cloudy framework of Seonghwa’s peripheral vision. 

But his arms are folded across his chest, his hip jutted out, and he is standing a little bit further away from Wooyoung, San, and Seonghwa. 

Like the kid seated in the front row in class, like the kid at the birthday party that doesn’t know most of the other kids very well. 

Seonghwa is growing more and more increasingly aware that he really would like to know HJ. Or to at least better understand what might be running through his mind, and the reasons behind his moods. 

San and Wooyoung are very earnestly discussing the best stores to hit up in the area. 

HJ looks Seonghwa up and down, and after a lingering moment of that, he squints down at his nails that are now painted a salmon-pink. 

He doesn’t seem thrilled that this is essentially a double date, which is making Seonghwa nervous for no reason. Seonghwa shouldn’t care. 

HJ doesn’t exactly come across as uninterested in Seonghwa, but he’s surely acting reserved and apathetic right now. Entirely differing from the guy on the video call the other day. Or the boy who drowsily kissed Seonghwa’s ear and told him to get tattoos all over his body. 

They lock eyes once more, as the four of them take off down the sidewalk.

The darkroom, the video call; those things were actual things that happened and now they’re just out in public like typical tourists, like standard young adults hanging out. 

Even though HJ is being guarded so far, even though he’s been aloof ever since the last time they saw each other, Seonghwa feels… he doesn’t even have a word for it. Seonghwa feels something, seeing HJ again, being in his presence. There’s something reminiscent of a snow globe in his core, all of the fragments floating around in a flurry and gradually settling at the bottom. 

And he really can’t deny that. 

K-Town is kind of feigned and fabricated in ways. It’s Korean-style fried chicken restaurants, Bingsu cafes, and K-pop store after K-pop store. Seonghwa finds it fun enough, it’s not at all a huge sub-city, it’s very walkable and it reminds him of home to an extent. 

But they don’t stay for long. 

They’re back outside after dropping by the VT Cosmetics store and HJ stops in his tracks. 

In unison, Seonghwa, San, and Wooyoung let up and turn to look behind them at HJ, who appears sleepless, isolated. 

Sure, he’s been acting unpredictable over the past hour or so but this is weird and Seonghwa can sense that something is wrong. 

“Could we maybe go somewhere else now.”

HJ is refusing to make eye contact with any of them.

“Yeah, sure. Where to, boo?” Wooyoung asks him without pause. 

“Just anywhere, I don’t care, is there anywhere you’ve been wanting to go,” HJ mutters, directing his question at Seonghwa.

“Hwa, you were wanting to see the Gundam statue in Odaiba, right?” San suggests. 

“Uh, yeah, that would be cool.”

Wooyoung scans their group as he’s nodding affirmingly. “If you guys don’t mind traveling a little further away, we could do that?”

“Sure.”

Yes, Seonghwa really wants to go see the life-sized Unicorn Gundam that apparently lights up and makes realistic automaton battle noises, but all he truly cares about right now is HJ, who’s holding onto himself, his gaze still hovering and fastened on his reformed shoes, a cruel breeze hitting his downturned head.

Seonghwa glances at Wooyoung, but he’s on his phone checking the map.

“Are you okay?”

Seonghwa says it softly, as he reaches out to pinch HJ’s sleeve, near his elbow. 

HJ peeks his face up and looks at Seonghwa but the whole exchange is unreadable, in the same manner as a mask. 

“Okay it’s about an hour away, let’s go,” Wooyoung says decisively, and he puts a protective and kindly arm around HJ’s shoulders as he leads the way back to Shin-Ōkubo station. “C’mon, honey….”

()()()()()()()()

The journey to Odaiba opens up a relatively new page of Tokyo’s narrative. Things outside the windows of the Yurikamome Line come across as more business-like, buildings are iron-gray and prodigious, entire skyscrapers constructed from sheets of looking glass. The roads are seemingly bigger from the train’s levitating railway, too. 

Seonghwa’s view from the Rainbow Bridge is a wide angle lens, as they make their arrival at the picture-perfect man-made island on Tokyo Bay. 

During their ride over, HJ showed signs of loosening up. And he’s walking more relaxedly now that they’ve reached their alternative destination. 

Seonghwa feels like they’re back in high school as San is leaning all over him and trumpeting gleefully with an energy that could be bottled and sold for good money. 

For a while, the four of them browse DiverCity, the shopping mall that’s home to the plaza with the giant Gundam statue. 

As they continue to wait for the Gundam’s light show that supposedly takes place after it gets dark, they laze around in the food court, trying to decide what to eat for dinner and trying to expand on their small talk. 

“So HJ,” San says, “what do you do, you know, in life?”

“I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing,” HJ answers candidly. 

And Seonghwa feels that.

“I don’t know, I used to really like theater, I was too shy in high school to join and I regretted it so in college I joined a club and helped design costumes and it was a good escape from-”

HJ’s expression is vacant and overwhelmed all at once.

And then he recovers from it, staring down sullen at his lap. 

Wooyoung, too, looks downcast. 

Oddly enough, Seonghwa desperately wants to encourage the four of them into a group hug just as much as he wants to ask HJ and Wooyoung what the fuck is going on. 

If Seonghwa and HJ were born in the same year, does this mean that HJ is taking a break from college, too? Or maybe he already graduated from whatever program he was doing. An art program, perhaps? Seonghwa could see that being so. 

“Okay so I am _hooked_ on this anime right now,” San says in an obvious attempt to change the subject. “A classmate of ours recommended it to us, it’s called Hunter x Hunter.”

“Oh, is that what you and Hiroto were sobbing about during workshop? I was too busy being a diligent student to join in,” Wooyoung claims.

San rolls his eyes. “Oh please you’re always texting me under the table during lectures.”

“About important things! Questions and things related to what we’re learning.”

“Yeah, questions that you already have the answer to,” San says, and the corners of his mouth curl up into a sugary smirk. 

Wooyoung is blushing. 

“Anyways, you guys should totally come over so that I can force you to watch it and suffer with me,” San declares.

“Can I bring one of my Gundam model kits with me? I’m restless I can’t just sit and watch something,” Seonghwa says.

San looks devastated. “No you don’t even understand-”

“I feel sorry for anyone who’d have to share a bedroom with you,” HJ spats, eyeing Seonghwa’s large shopping bag filled to the brim with Gundam merchandise.

Seonghwa gapes, pseudo-offended. 

“Just you wait, I’m gonna show you how it works and you’ll be addicted.”

HJ is neither grinning nor glowering. He’s just florid, and reined-in. 

“Um, it sounds fun, to just hang out like that,” Wooyoung speaks up, “and San and I could cook for you guys.”

“Wanna do it tonight?”

They all agree to the plan, but Seonghwa states that he is not going to be able to wait that long for sustenance, so they scope out the food court for snacks to tide them over. 

HJ is reading the menu at a desserts place. 

“Want to share a sundae with me?” Seonghwa offers. 

HJ hesitates, says nothing, but ends up nodding. 

They bring their treats outside to a bench in the plaza where the sun is making its measured dive in the west. San and Wooyoung share an ice cream cone and take selcas together until it’s melting and threatening to drip all over their hands. 

Seonghwa sits beside HJ and feeds him their hot fudge sundae, because there was only one spoon and Seonghwa decides that he’s far too lazy to go ask for another one. 

HJ takes small bites from the spoon, and only glances at Seonghwa when he thinks that Seonghwa won’t notice. He’s sitting on his hands. 

Seonghwa wants to kiss HJ’s mouth, he really can’t negate that truth anymore.

Their ice cream has a cherry on top but HJ doesn’t tie the stem with his tongue, like he did that very first hour they spent together. 

When they bumble back inside on the coattails of a sugar rush, they find themselves in the shopping mall’s arcade, shoving each other good-humoredly in the cramped confines of a purikura photo booth. 

Together, Wooyoung and San are quite an uproarious pair. HJ is smiling at their antics and laughing so much that he squeaks, then covering his mouth with his little hands. 

  
  


_Tonight was the happiest I’ve seen HJ since he got here_ …. 

  
  


The final flash of the photo booth camera has Seonghwa recollecting Wooyoung’s remark from the other night. 

Alongside his own smiles, Seonghwa stares at HJ in an unashamed awe, and he hopes that HJ is having fun now, and is okay. 

“You’ll waste your money,” HJ says, shortly after they pile out of the booth. 

Seonghwa has his sights set on the claw machines and he’s digging around in his wallet for coins. 

“Oh I always win at these things. My name means Star, after all. I’m lucky.”

HJ crinkles his nose and overlaps his arms across his body. “Prove it.”

“Which one should I do,” Seonghwa asks. 

HJ points at a claw machine bearing a sea of random character merchandise from various American movies. 

Seonghwa is stubborn and gives the machine his money eight times in the end, but he finally wins a Minion plushie and San and Wooyoung are very supportive of his victory. 

Seonghwa collects the prize from the chute of the machine, and hands it to HJ. 

HJ is silent, but he doesn’t waver from taking the Minion into his own hands. He’s reddened exhaustively, tantamount to red wine.

“Wow that’s cute, you guys are cute,” San chirps.

Wooyoung coughs an exceptionally dry cough. 

At this point HJ is stewing, as if he doesn’t know what to do with whatever it is that he’s feeling. 

“Could you hold him while I go to the washroom,” HJ asks Wooyoung, referring to his new stuffed toy. 

Wooyoung obliges, and HJ turns to Seonghwa. 

“Didn’t you need to go, too.”

HJ’s question is flat, the bedrock of his tone a demanding bite. 

And Seonghwa has absolutely no choice but to go along with him. 

Seonghwa follows HJ to the restrooms, right outside of the arcade at the end of a clean hallway in the mall. They pass by a fatigued-looking lady bulldozing a stroller out of the women’s lavatory, and a guy is leaving the men’s room right as they swing through the door. 

There’s a row of unoccupied urinals inside, and two toilet stalls. 

HJ checks the stalls; they’re both empty. 

It’s deafeningly secluded in here in contrast to all of the noise in the arcade. Any sound coming from the interior of the shopping center is echoey and remote.

With a willful swiftness, HJ tugs on Seonghwa’s arm and pulls him into one of the cubicles. 

Seonghwa secures the latch on the door and he finds it kind of fascinating how he and HJ are somehow already in each other’s arms; Seonghwa’s hands drawn to the small of HJ’s back, HJ melding into him with his fingers digging into the front of Seonghwa’s shirt. 

This might be the first time that they’ve been this close and sober through and through. HJ is feeling more and more real. 

“If I’m not careful I might…,” HJ trails off in an almost-whisper. 

Seonghwa lifts an eyebrow. “…Might what?”

HJ just bats his eyes up at Seonghwa, and works his bottom lip in between his teeth in response.

“Thank you for the plushie.”

“I’m glad you like it,” Seonghwa says, cradling HJ’s cheeks in his palms. 

Seonghwa brings their faces nearer. 

“You’re cute, HJ….”

“…I’m the furthest thing from cute.”

They stare, HJ’s hands now clasping onto Seonghwa’s wrists.

Seonghwa doesn’t break their gaze, and ever so gently, moves them even closer together, pressing HJ up against the door of the stall. 

“So, while Wooyoung and San are cooking, what are you and I gonna do?” HJ says quietly. “You gonna show me how you build your little robot toys?”

“Yeah, we could do that, or I could show you something else.”

“Like what.”

“Anything you want, baby.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Why?”

“The other night… Wooyoung came home and then you were awfully well-behaved….”

_You were awfully well-behaved, too,_ is what Seonghwa wants to say. 

“You’re right, we can just hang out. We could take a look at what I bought, maybe we could bother them in the kitchen.”

“…Not gonna lead me to the bathroom and lock the door and fuck my face and let me swallow your cum?”

Seonghwa blinks. “Oh, that’s new. Thought you wanted it in your ass.”

“I don’t care which way it happens just want you to fuck me with your cock,” HJ hisses. 

He is positively staring Seonghwa down, his head tilted back and face upturned, fingertips having found their way up to Seonghwa’s hair, clenched on his undercut.

Seonghwa exhales in sudden apprehension, and rapture. 

“ _Fuck_ ….”

He steers his hips onto HJ and it’s askew on the side of HJ’s abdomen. His thigh is thrust between HJ’s legs and HJ is driving himself onto it and moaning very vividly.

“What if I got down on my knees right now for you… you’re so _fucking hot_ Seonghwa I’m gonna fucking scream….”

“HJ….”

“Just want you to _use_ me already, we could make that big cock of yours feel _so good_ ….”

“…HJ if you keep talking like this I will fuck you right here and now-” 

“Oh my god, oh my _god_ you gonna bend me over and fuck me from behind…? Just- just _pounding_ into me until you feel good, spanking me really, really hard and telling me I’m so perfect for you-”

“Baby _fuck_ if you say one more thing-” 

“What do _you_ want… _gorgeous_ … you- you want me squirming helplessly underneath you- don’t you? You’re so sweet, you’re so sweet to me Seonghwa how do you want it-”

“Want it right now-”

“I swear to god Seonghwa you better be rough with me- tell me how you’re gonna fuck me- _please_ Seonghwa tell me how you’re gonna fuck me-”

The restroom entrance creaks open as someone walks in, just noticeable enough for them to halt their hot-blooded grinding on each other, and they hold incredibly still, the rattling on the door of their cubicle ceased. 

Seonghwa snaps out of their stormy spell but keeps his hands where they ended up, under HJ’s shirt on his waist, the other one seizing at HJ’s hip. 

They’re both huffing, as subtly as possible, Seonghwa is so fucking hard in his pants and HJ’s grasp is ensnared in Seonghwa’s coal-black hair. 

Seonghwa gulps while he steadies himself, and he brings their faces together, nuzzling HJ’s nose.

HJ blushes furiously, unprepared and panicked almost by the gesture, and he looks like he wants to knock Seonghwa’s teeth out.

Seonghwa takes his thumb and plays with HJ’s bottom lip, and HJ stops breathing.

Something in his eyes suddenly shifts, from lethal weapons to a submissive surrender; they’re two rounded ponds, glimmering unsure with lily pads under an evening’s ether. 

It’s quite an intriguing reaction, so Seonghwa tilts his head, and slowly leans in, until their lips are just a hair apart, he can taste them… he can _almost_ taste him…. 

HJ closes his eyes. 

And Seonghwa’s phone vibrates in his pocket, which is more than likely a note from a very suspecting San.

Seonghwa abruptly changes his course and retreats, leaving just a few barely-there pecks along HJ’s neck when he reaches in his pocket to fetch his phone. He removes his thigh from where it’s nailed between HJ’s legs. 

  
  


**Sanni:**

did u mfs ditch us 🙄

**Seonghwa:**

No

No

Be right out 

  
  


Seonghwa slips his phone away and reconfigures his attention.

HJ is scowling, his lips still slightly parted, face ruddy like a honeycrisp apple. 

“They’re wondering where we are…,” Seonghwa whispers to him. 

After the guy who actually needed to take a piss finishes up, Seonghwa and HJ step out of the stall, and just like that, they leave behind the disorientation and vehement and whatever the hell else all of that was.

The Gundam statue light show is cool. Seonghwa takes a video of it on his phone and gets teased for it an appropriate amount. 

Before they decide to wrap things up and head to Wooyoung’s apartment, they go down to the island’s waterfront, where San and Wooyoung walk side by side and hand in hand on the pier.

HJ is looking up and out at where the water kisses the troposphere, like he sees something that no one else does. Like if he stares long enough, the galaxy would open up and create a star for him to cling to, twirling with a promise to deliver him to a place of shelter. 

How would it feel, jumping in a car with him, roofless, driving off and out of the city into the starry sky. Would it feel whole. Would Seonghwa learn about himself, fully realize himself, if he could take HJ anywhere he wanted to go, give this equivocal boy everything that he wants and requires. 

()()()()()()()()

There’s a wasted guy on the train and it’s jam-packed with a surprisingly late wave of rush hour commuters. 

As people try to avoid the problematic passenger who’s lurching all over the place, HJ is bumped and knocked directly into Seonghwa, and it’s more staring contests and feverish foreheads.

Their bodies are up against each other yet again and it’s taking Seonghwa every ounce of his strength not to grab HJ’s ass and squeeze it like his life depends on it. 

Seonghwa is thinking about how flawlessly HJ fit in his lap that night at the club, how HJ’s body felt underneath his on the bathroom floor.

They went from 100 to 0. Well, maybe not _all_ the way to zero, but Seonghwa is growing weary. 

Eventually, the foot traffic in their train compartment wanes and seats become available for all four of them, but in scattered spots. 

HJ’s emotions, at least at face value, have gone back to being scribbled and indecipherable.

  
  


**Seonghwa:**

Could you give me Wooyoung’s number

**Sanni:**

sure!

why?

**Seonghwa:**

Just wanna ask him something 

**Sanni:**

hwa i dont think its any of our business

Interesting. Seonghwa peeks up at San, who’s sitting across the way from him. Both Wooyoung and HJ are on their phones, too.

  
  


**Seonghwa:**

Do you know something?

**Sanni:**

no hwa 

cant u read the room??

i really dont think its our place to stick our nose into

**Seonghwa:**

Ok 

Yeah maybe

But Wooyoung is cool 

I’d still like to have his number 

**Sanni:**

hj is gonna be gone in like 2 weeks???

so like??

  
  


Seonghwa absorbs those words. 

He can sense San glancing up at him, since he hasn’t responded. For an unknown number of minutes.

  
  


**Seonghwa:**

Fuck you

**Sanni:**

oh

shit

hwa fuck im sorry

im 

so sorry 

do u really like him

???

u actually really like him dont u

fuck

hwa im sorry 

i forget that youre this big softie

idk 

i should not have said that 

that was insensitive of me

and shitty 

pls forgive me bb 

im totally here for u if u wanna talk 

about this 

  
  


San’s pleads are a hailstorm. Seonghwa already feels like he’s losing something that was never his to begin with. Something that was never his to hold. 

  
  


**Sanni:**

ill give u woos number

and just because u & hj 

are leaving this place soon doesnt mean youll 

never see each other again

**Sanni:**

u havent told me much so idk but

have u talked to him about how ur feeling?

  
  


A gentle rain skims the streets, and Wooyoung, HJ, San, and Seonghwa shuffle along through swarms of residents, in search of the narrow apartment building that could easily be overlooked.

There’s just a suppressed chill, nothing that would inspire a need for a coat, but it’s enough to wiggle past threads in sweaters and to prickle at exposed knees. Shinjuku is a bad bitch; phantom backstreets, graffiti analogous to lyrics of a bottled-up anthem. 

San and Wooyoung keep it simple and cook a really good katsu curry, and Seonghwa and HJ hang out in the kitchen with them and pretend like nothing happened, as if life is normal. As if Seonghwa isn’t trying to hold back weird onslaughts of tears welling up in his eyes every few minutes. 

He’s in a sour mood, because of the whole neglected boner situation. 

And because what San said struck some sort of a wrong chord inside of him. 

Their dinner bowls sit emptied on the coffee table in Wooyoung’s living room and they’re sprawled out now on the couch watching the Hunter x Hunter anime, which San explains is the 2011 reboot of the original series. He and Wooyoung are making loud commentary on the characters and they keep saying something about ‘gay lil Killua’. 

On the opposite end of the couch, HJ has his knees drawn up and in to his body. He’s holding onto his Minion plushie, the television’s reflection throwing colors on his face in a semblance to stained glass windows. 

Wooyoung and San are lounged so low on the center cushions of the couch, that when Seonghwa and HJ glance over at one another, it’s effortless.

But there’s a toiling traction here, keen on cutting an invisible red string of fate with teeth, or dull scissors. 

Maybe Seonghwa has nothing to lose.

  
  


**Seonghwa:**

You look pretty HJ 

**HJ:**

shut up 

i’m mad at you

**Seonghwa:**

Really?

**HJ:**

why do you think i’m over here pouting so much 

**Seonghwa:**

Idk 

Thought you weren’t enjoying the anime or something 

**HJ:**

i’m enjoying it a lot

but i’d be enjoying it even more if you were sitting next to me

**Seonghwa:**

Oh

That’s why you’re mad at me? 

**HJ:**

yes 

**Seonghwa:**

Do you want to cuddle

**HJ:**

shut up

**Seonghwa:**

I’m getting mixed messages here

  
  


HJ runs a fitful hand through his hair and peeks over at Seonghwa. 

  
  


**HJ:**

are you enjoying the anime

**Seonghwa:**

Yeah it’s cool 

I can see why San was geeking out about it

It seems like a good show

**HJ:**

i could put on a better show 

for you

**Seonghwa:**

Ok 

I’m listening

**HJ:**

i could dance for you

and take my clothes off for you 

**Seonghwa:**

That sounds nice baby

What else

**HJ:**

you’re greedy

that’s the whole show 

**Seonghwa:**

Um

What happened to everything we were saying earlier 

In the public restroom

You know

Two hours ago

**HJ:**

you want more?

**Seonghwa:**

Idk I guess

**HJ:**

god you’re annoying 

**Seonghwa:**

If you’ll let me have more

Then yes please

**HJ:**

ok i’ll sit in your lap 

**Seonghwa:**

Can I take my clothes off too?

**HJ:**

no 

just my clothes are off

not yours 

**Seonghwa:**

Ok 

**HJ:**

and you can touch me as much as you want 

and i’ll do anything you want 

**Seonghwa:**

When and where can I buy tickets to this show

**HJ:**

omg you’re such a dork

**Seonghwa:**

Listen 

**HJ:**

tickets would normally be sold out 

and rlly expensive 

but there’s one left and it’s free 

**Seonghwa:**

I want to sit next to you too 

**HJ:**

then why aren’t you 

**Seonghwa:**

I could ask you the same thing 

  
  


There’s a mutual pause.

Seonghwa’s mind is cranking, much like skipping stones on placid waters, thinking ahead maybe too much, but he can’t seem to help it. Where will HJ go after his tourist visa expires? Is he going back to Korea? Is there even a possibility for this person to be in Seonghwa’s future or will he vanish just like he did that night after they first touched.

  
  


**Seonghwa:**

Do you want me to hold you 

**HJ:**

stop

**Seonghwa:**

I’m just asking 

Do you actually want to cuddle

What do you want 

What is 

This

**HJ:**

idk what this is

what is this seonghwa 

**Seonghwa:**

What do you want it to be 

**HJ:**

i don’t fucking know 

  
  


Seonghwa is a little afraid of pushing too hard. 

  
  


**Seonghwa:**

Please talk to me

**HJ:**

i don’t fucking 

know

i just want to be around you?

doing anything 

sitting next to you

you fucking me 

i fucking don’t know

**Seonghwa:**

Do you want anything else 

**HJ:**

??

**Seonghwa:**

From me

Us

You and me 

  
  


Again, there’s a falter in their discourse.

  
  


**HJ:**

yes

**Seonghwa:**

What else 

**HJ:**

not fucking verbalizing those thoughts 

**Seonghwa:**

It’s not verbalizing we’re just texting 

What else do you want

How much

**HJ:**

there are 2 other things i want

**Seonghwa:**

Ok

So

In addition to cuddling and fucking

There are 2 other things you want?

**HJ:**

yes

**Seonghwa:**

Ok

Would love to hear all about it before we’re 50 years old 

Can I ask questions about the 2 things

**HJ:**

yeah

probably won’t answer though

**Seonghwa:**

Are they specific things?

Like

You want me to hold your hand

Or something like that

**HJ:**

one of them is specific 

the other one isn’t 

**Seonghwa:**

Ok

**HJ:**

that’s all?

**Seonghwa:**

Yeah

For now

**HJ:**

ok

**Seonghwa:**

Was today a date? 

**HJ:**

oh my fucking god you’re insufferable 

and stop looking over here at me istg

i’m gonna leave the premises 

**Seonghwa:**

You’re so fucking cute 

**HJ:**

what 

did you want it to be a date?

**Seonghwa:**

Idk

Probably not

Seeing that I still know nothing about you 

I don’t even know your name 

I know that you’re an artist 

You have the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen

But you don’t use it enough

If you’d just open up to me 

Idk I might want to give you the world 

  
  


When Seonghwa turns his head, he sees HJ’s mouth hanging open, his astonishment illuminated by the screen of his phone.

HJ peers back at Seonghwa. His eyes are dilated and shimmery.

  
  


**Seonghwa:**

I know Wooyoung is a good friend to you

That you’ve known for a long time 

But if you ever need someone to talk to 

Someone to listen

I am here ok

  
  


HJ leans forward and puts his phone down on top of the coffee table.

He does it kind of forcefully, enough to gain Wooyoung and San’s attention.

The two of them look at Seonghwa, and Seonghwa gazes down at his lap, and stores his phone away in his pocket.

He feels like he just fucked up. He feels like everyone hates him.

Seonghwa wonders why, if they both want similar things, why does it have to be this way. 

Why is HJ hiding everything behind his eyes. 

It hurts so much, only because he cares. Seonghwa knows that if he just wouldn’t give a fuck about anything then nothing would hurt as much anymore. 

He doesn’t really remember leaving Wooyoung’s place. He just wished everybody a good night at some point and left the apartment and used his map app to find the train station because he felt out of it and couldn’t find it on his own even though he’s taken this route a few times now.

HJ doesn’t text later on that evening after Seonghwa returns to his hotel, and Seonghwa ignores numerous concerned texts from San, turns his phone off, and doesn’t sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 👀 what are the 2 things hongjoong wants 🤔
> 
> god it’s breaking my heart to write hwa like this. these characters are giving me a headache they need to get laid already thanks so much for reading this week’s chapter of Confusion & Cockblocking 
> 
> OH ALSO- I’m a fool and I’ve forgotten to credit where I’ve gotten chapter titles from!! 💖💖 each title is inspired by a song(s) from the fic’s playlist, so:
> 
> chapter 1 title inspo: “Cherry Bomb” - NCT 127 // “Monster” - IRENE & SEULGI  
> chapter 2 title inspo: “Skydiving (Cliff Recording)” - LIGHTS  
> and this chapter’s title: “enemy” - Charli XCX 
> 
> 🥰🥰🥰
> 
> thank you guys so much for everything 😭❤️ I’ll see u next week!!! 💫 chapters are gonna start getting longer and I’m thinking that the last 2 chapters will most likely take me more than a week (maybe 10-ish days) to have ready, but I’ll keep you posted as we move along 💕💕💕
> 
> ()()()()()()()()
> 
> tokyo runaways playlist: 🏮 [here](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLsenJSIypLnyfjjq8b_sdbOM4fFaLTBI2) 🏮
> 
> ()()()()()()()()
> 
> twitter: hj_pan_cake


	4. you and beautiful world

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ⭐️  
> TW / CW in this chapter:  
> smut (after the page break)  
> PTSD (emotional/physical reaction to an implied intrusive memory) ((after the page break))  
> ⭐️

It’s only been three days. But three days is a long time for a pendulum to oscillate.

Seonghwa has been mulling over who’s going to be the first one to break. Or maybe there really is no need to wonder at all, because HJ may very well be done with him. 

Seonghwa isn’t exactly doing the greatest job at coming to terms with this possibility. He finds himself wishing that they could go back to that evening laminated in hair dye and soft skin and shy pink butterfly kisses. 

Seonghwa feels exceptionally lame for allowing himself to become even a little bit attached in the parameter of a casual hookup. 

Somewhere underneath the multiple layers of utter turmoil and emotional pain, Seonghwa is enjoying Tokyo. The getaway is in full swing, there’s been lots of good food to eat, lots of cool places to see, and Seonghwa has grown fond of his depressing little routine of spending his evenings alone in his hotel room, taking baths and eating snacks from 7-Eleven and watching outrageous Japanese game shows on television. 

And today is running its course as a staggeringly laid-back and pretty chill afternoon spent with his sister. 

He and Seung-yeon have been shopping around at Sunshine City in Ikebukuro for a couple of hours. They’ve been swapping styling advice with each other in the many clothing shops in the mall, or attempting to at least, but they’re finishing up now and confirming plans with their parents to meet in Akihabara. 

Neither of them had plans with friends today, and their parents went to some sort of sake brewery tour and neither of them wanted to hang out with their tipsy parents. So they clumsily ended up together for the first half of the day. 

Seonghwa and San have made some tentative arrangements for thrifting in Shimokitazawa and cat cafes in Harajuku; they hope to fit those outings in before Seonghwa returns to Seoul in thirteen days. They’ve been in good communication over the past couple of days, thankfully glossing over the discomfort from dinner the other night at Wooyoung’s place. 

Seonghwa hasn’t opened up to San about all of his roller-coaster feelings and fragility concerning HJ, and San hasn’t further pried or pressed him.

But San did give Wooyoung’s phone number to Seonghwa, Seonghwa just hasn’t utilized that contact yet. 

With Seung-yeon’s shopping bag in hand, Seonghwa leans up against a pillar in the multi-level shopping center and waits while she uses the restroom before they head out. 

He’s scrolling aimlessly through Twitter when a notification drops down from the top of his phone screen, and Seonghwa is indisputably surprised that the text isn’t from San, so much so that his heartbeat begins thrashing, fed up with being kept in its crystal cage. 

  
  


**HJ:**

hi

  
  


Seonghwa was certain that if one of them was going to cave and reach out first, that it was going to be himself. 

What is he supposed to say? 

  
  


_It’s good to hear from you_

_Are you mad at me?_

_What do you want_

_Are you ok?_

_I’m too sensitive for this shit_

_This is all getting to be really distressing_

_You drive me crazy_

_I’m sorry_

_I miss you_

_I miss you and I don’t even know why I miss you this damn much_

  
  


**Seonghwa:**

Hi

**HJ:**

what are you up to today

**Seonghwa:**

Nothing really 

Just shopping with my sister 

Heading to Akihabara now

You?

**HJ:**

i’m bored can i meet you there 

  
  


Okay. Maybe HJ worked through whatever disturbed him the other day; whatever it was that Seonghwa said wrong, whatever it was that shut him off and turned him away.

  
  


**Seonghwa:**

I mean

Yeah

My family will be with me 

But sure

**HJ:**

i think we’re fully capable of sneaking around

  
  


Good god. What an interesting reunion this will be.

  
  


**Seonghwa:**

Ok

Yeah

I would love to see you today 

  
  


Seonghwa doesn’t hear back.

Akihabara is yet another area in Tokyo that’s located just a stone’s throw away from Seonghwa’s hotel in Asakusa, so the whole family collectively figured that they ought to stop by the famous place known as the promised land for all things electronics. 

It’s going on 7:00PM when Seonghwa and Seung-yeon materialize at the hub of video games and manga galore, and they meet with their parents who already look deeply troubled by all of the storefronts with posters of scantily clad anime girls flaunting massive tits. 

The clouded-over day has turned into a rainy one and the walkways are teeming with umbrellas. Each and every lightbulb on retail faces gleams brighter somehow, and all of the promotional jangling and rhyming is thrown into a mixing bowl and the reiterations sound as if they’re underwater scuba-diving. 

  
  


**HJ:**

i’m here are you here

**Seonghwa:**

Yeah

Kinda in front of Sofmap?

Past the Sega building

To the right

  
  


Seonghwa peers over at his family, the three of them now standing in line at a food stall for takoyaki. They’re sixth in line. 

It can’t be any more than five minutes later when HJ comes bobbing along beneath a cobalt-blue umbrella. 

He’s sporting a denim fanny pack, a lilac bucket hat, and sunglasses, and Seonghwa wants to burst out laughing because he really does look like he’s trying to go undercover, like an idol trying not to be seen out in public or something.

Tucked into some medium wash jeans, Seonghwa has on a black cardigan with quite a plunging neckline and he regrets not wearing anything underneath it because it’s turning out to be chillier than it was earlier in the day. 

HJ approaches without hesitation, holds his umbrella out by his side, and dips underneath Seonghwa’s. 

And in their little smokescreen canopy, Seonghwa, without really thinking, bends down just enough, and kisses HJ’s cheek. 

They simply stare at one another, like they typically do, and Seonghwa can tell even behind HJ’s sunglasses that his eyelids are a half-open aperture.

And much to Seonghwa’s complete surprise yet again, the corners of HJ’s mouth lift ever so slightly into a mellow grin. 

His free hand is mostly covered by the sleeve of his sweater, and he brings his fingertips up to his cheek and rests them there momentarily, where Seonghwa’s lips had touched.

Seonghwa is certain that something as subtle as this has no business making him so damn weak in the knees. 

It’s kind of sinking in for Seonghwa that all of this is, in fact, thrilling; whispering and tip-toeing around the people who brought him into the world, the people who hold judgement over his soul. 

“We have to be careful,” Seonghwa says, his voice deep and low. 

“What, don’t wanna introduce me to your parents?”

“Do you want me to?”

“What would you introduce me as.” 

Seonghwa is stumped, actually. He wants to avoid the word _Friend_ at all costs because there’s no telling how HJ would process or react to that. HJ is just… an unusual acquaintance, a fuck buddy who he hasn’t even thoroughly comprehensively fucked yet, a sublime enigma who Seonghwa is maybe starting to care for more than he can understand why. 

“As someone special to me,” Seonghwa finally answers.

HJ’s poker face has made its reappearance. 

“Not just a friend?” he asks. 

“Do you want to be just a friend.”

“…Not answering that,” HJ says, almost inaudible. 

They swiftly draw away from each other, as naturally as possible, as Seonghwa’s family is heading over to him with their food, but HJ stays nearby while they roam around the center of town, and they exchange covert heavy glances whenever they can. 

The sky drizzles continuously, but it doesn’t stop the abundance of maid cafe maids from handing out flyers in their platform shoes and ruffled aprons and identical frilly parasols to protect their twintail hairstyles from the weather. 

A flyer for one of the various themed cafes in the area is handed out to Seonghwa and he feels himself pout. 

His family is fairly distracted by a person with an owl on a perch advertising for a local owl cafe, so HJ scampers over, pops up beneath Seonghwa’s umbrella yet again, and surreptitiously presses himself up against Seonghwa’s side. 

“I would get all the way down on one knee and propose if I could find someone to willingly go to the Gundam Cafe with me,” Seonghwa says longingly as he observes the corresponding flyer in his hand, and he adds a really hefty sigh on the end for dramatic purposes. 

HJ is frowning and blushing in equal measures. 

“God, you and your little hobby,” he huffs. “If you can fight back your addiction and refrain from purchasing more Gundam toys, I’ll answer any question.” 

Seonghwa peers at him in interest. “Really?” 

“Yeah, and if you fail then you have to do something that I want.”

They shake hands in agreement of the terms and Seonghwa finds the businesslike gesture hilarious. He also decides that it’ll probably be a win-win situation either way. 

The Gundam Cafe flyer floats to the ground near Seonghwa’s shoe when he accidentally lets it slip out of his grasp, and HJ promptly bends down to snatch it up and hand it back. 

“Ah, thank you, angel,” Seonghwa murmurs, a little sad that the handout got damp on one corner from landing on the wet ground. He kind of wanted to keep it. 

“Please don’t call me that.”

HJ utters it abruptly, and it’s not in a jokingly manner, either. He’s actually very serious, all of a sudden. 

Seonghwa feels his heart plummet. 

He gazes worriedly at HJ, whose eyes are glued on the small pool beneath his feet. 

Seonghwa doesn’t even know why he threw out such a sappy pet name like that so casually anyway.

“I’m sorry,” he says quietly. 

“Don’t be,” HJ replies, just as soft. 

“Seonghwa?”

Seonghwa looks up to see his mother, father, and sister. They’re staring at him and HJ, together underneath his umbrella. 

His mouth feels dry. 

It wouldn’t call forth the end of the world if he were to introduce HJ to them. He doesn’t have to tell the absolute truth and say that they met at a gay bar and fucked around in a darkroom because Seonghwa is very gay and HJ is gay too and they’re gay and HJ came to Akihabara so that he and Seonghwa could sneak around and be gay right underneath their homophobic noses. 

Seonghwa could easily fib and say that HJ is an acquaintance of San’s or something, and that he just so happened to be in the area right now.

“He was asking for directions to someplace,” Seonghwa explains to their spectators.

HJ darts his eyes up to Seonghwa, to Seonghwa’s family, and back again.

“Yeah, thanks for your help.”

“No problem.” 

HJ turns on his heel and disappears around the corner.

“Oh, it looked like you knew him,” Seonghwa’s mother comments offhandedly, to which he says nothing in return. 

Like Seonghwa predicted, his parents aren’t finding much appeal in the land of microchips and nerdy fantasies, so the Park family wraps things up quickly after another half hour or so, the ever-increasing cold in the air spurring them along.

Seonghwa forgos tagging along with the rest of them to use the washrooms inside bustling Akihabara station before they catch the train back to their hotel. 

“Wow, gotta say, I’m impressed,” HJ sneers as he pads over to Seonghwa.

He’s definitely referring to the fact that Seonghwa made it to the finish line without any shopping bags. 

Seonghwa is just impressed that HJ is still here and that he didn’t manage to unknowingly push him away again. 

HJ folds his arms around himself and holds onto opposite elbows. “I guess you win. Okay, I’ll answer any question you ask me.”

“Do you want to come over tonight.”

HJ stares, hauntingly still in front of the greys and greens and furious vitality coursing through the ticket gate behind him. 

“That’s the question?” HJ asks. 

“Mhm.”

Seonghwa sees his father walk out of the men’s room so he falls away from HJ to join the stoic-looking man, but feels his pocket vibrate not even a minute later. 

  
  


**HJ:**

yeah

ok 

  
  


The antique-white moon tows their rattling commuter train along, synchronously overseeing the sapphire cityscape.

It’ll be a short ride back to Asakusa, Seonghwa won’t have to sit inside this fresh bout of anxiousness for too long and he’s glad for that. 

HJ is seated across the aisle a couple sections down, Seonghwa can just barely spot him. He has his hat and sunglasses removed now. 

  
  


**HJ:**

why are you inviting me over

**Seonghwa:**

To spend time with you

I want to get to know you more

**HJ:**

you wanna spend some time up my ass

**Seonghwa:**

If you’ll let me have the honor 

Then yes 

**HJ:**

you been dreaming about this day?

**Seonghwa:**

There are so many ways I wanna fuck you it’s all I’ve been dreaming about 

**HJ:**

fuck

god fuck 

want your hands on me right now 

**Seonghwa:**

If you spend the night they’ll be all over you until morning 

**HJ:**

seonghwa fuck are we there yet 

i’m losing my fucking mind 

**Seonghwa:**

Yeah we’re almost there 

One step closer to having your pretty lips around my cock 

**HJ:**

holy fuck 

gonna let me have a taste? 

**Seonghwa:**

Only if you let me taste you too 

**HJ:**

seonghwa 

fuck

do you want me?

**Seonghwa:**

Of course I do

**HJ:**

you want me all night?

**Seonghwa:**

I want you every night

**HJ:**

you’ll show me what your dreams have been like

**Seonghwa:**

Show you all that and more 

**HJ:**

i thought of you last night 

seonghwa 

and i touched myself 

so much

thinking about you makes me cum so much

**Seonghwa:**

Fuck

Ok

**HJ:**

i could never get myself to sleep

because you weren’t there to hold me

  
  


What are these outright circus-tier somersaults in Seonghwa’s stomach right now. HJ is so unpredictable; effortless expert at keeping Seonghwa on his toes. He’s kind of insane. He’s so much. He’s so guarded yet so expressive, he’s so hidden yet he needs protecting and Seonghwa is hellbent on being able to provide that for these initials engraved in his consciousness at daybreak and in his sleeplessness until dawn.

HJ is so much, he’s-

  
  


**Seonghwa:**

You’re so beautiful

  
  


This seems to put HJ at a loss for words. 

He doesn’t reply forthright this time, and Seonghwa can see him looking away from Seonghwa’s general direction, fixating out of the window at a rain-battered urban blur.

Seonghwa prepares himself for the worst; he’s ready to watch HJ exit the train at the next stop without blinking an eye, without turning around, without getting the chance to say goodbye.

With a lazy tilt of the head, HJ frowns at Seonghwa from a distance, and flits his gaze down at his phone.

  
  


**HJ:**

show me how beautiful you think i am when we get there 

()()()()()()()()

The Sumida River is a basin of confetti in the dark, home to a reflection of every light in town; kaleidoscopic lanterns on the waterway. This is what Seonghwa perceives as he trails behind his family across the bridge, followed closely by someone who claims to be a fiend.

“I’m gonna stop by the store for some food,” he tells his family, and the three of them wave him off and bid him goodnight as they go on ahead and enter the automatic front doors of the hotel. 

Seonghwa walks to the end of the block and waits on the street corner. He folds away his umbrella because the rainfall has subsided quite a bit. 

When HJ catches up to him, he wordlessly tugs at Seonghwa’s belt loops, and Seonghwa stops himself from collecting HJ into his arms and kissing him passionately in the middle of the dewdrop road like he so desperately wants to.

But his family should be upstairs in their respective rooms by now, so he takes HJ by the hand. Their fingers entwine in an uncomplicated affinity, and Seonghwa leads HJ back down the sidewalk to the hotel. 

A front desk person greets them cordially in the lobby and the two of them bow while they dash over to the elevator that opens up straight away.

“There are cameras in here,” Seonghwa says once they’re inside, right as HJ looks as though he’s going to pounce.

HJ leans into Seonghwa’s side and sticks his bottom lip out. Seonghwa gives his hand a squeeze and doesn’t dare break his gaze, aching in a hushed hunger. Seonghwa also wills his pulse to settle down but with little success. 

When they arrive at the eighth floor, they tread down the vacant hallway, and Seonghwa can almost feel a wind rushing past them, and he can hear HJ already making indecent pining noises as he’s being hauled along. 

As soon as they’re both feet through the doorway of Seonghwa’s room, Seonghwa attacks HJ’s neck, his ears, shoulders, collarbones; as if to ignore the truth right before his very eyes. 

They’re pulling at each other’s clothes, HJ kissing viciously at Seonghwa’s chest as the door shuts with a heavy _click._

“This where you’ve been staying…?” HJ asks rather casually, but with a splintered moan. 

Seonghwa flings him up against the closed door and HJ loops a leg around Seonghwa’s waist immediately and they’re bucking their hips on each other without a thought. There’s something tired in the pressure of HJ’s limp body; tired of waiting, tired of aspiring. 

“ _Mhm_ ….”

“…Why didn’t you invite me over sooner…?” HJ suspires in a higher register.

“Good question…,” Seonghwa drawls on the shell of his ear.

He peels HJ from the door, rotates them, and backs HJ up to the edge of his small-ass bed. He doesn’t bother searching for the light switch; the sap and glow of warm undertones are pouring in like a lava lamp from the window, their only beacon Tokyo Skytree within reach. 

Seonghwa lies down on top of HJ and sucks at the crook of his neck, HJ combing eager fingers through Seonghwa’s hair as he does. 

Running a hand down HJ’s side, Seonghwa detaches the buckle on his fanny pack. 

“Your little disguise was so cute,” Seonghwa mumbles on HJ’s skin. 

HJ is whining in a meek defiance. “…D-Don’t tease me….”

Seonghwa kisses his nose. 

For a few fleeting moments, they study each other, the both of them already panting more than mildly. 

HJ proceeds by working at the button and zipper on Seonghwa’s pants, continuing to scan Seonghwa’s face through wilted eyelids. 

They help each other in a breathy silence, shedding their clothes off tempestuously, and Seonghwa doesn’t even know what the fuck they’re going to do first because he wants to do everything under the sun simultaneously but all he does know is that his hands are clenching HJ’s bare ass without a moment taken for granted as soon as they’re both nude. 

HJ crawls on top of Seonghwa and pins him in place, and decisively slides himself down until his ass is up in the air and his ruby lips are parted in between Seonghwa’s legs.

He takes the base of Seonghwa’s cock with delicate fingers, and swallows it whole.

“Holy shit,” Seonghwa deadpans.

Seonghwa lifts himself up onto his elbows as HJ is sucking at his hardened shaft like a vacuum, and after twirling his tongue around the head several times, he clamps his lips down even tighter and intensifies his bobbing, unreservedly deepthroating Seonghwa’s cock. 

“Baby _fuck_ fuck-” 

HJ hollows his cheeks before he drags his lips and pops Seonghwa’s cock out of his mouth. He wets his lips while catching his breath, appearing as if some sort of profound longing of his was fulfilled. 

“… _God_.”

With furrowed brow, he licks a groaning, slow-going stripe from Seonghwa’s balls up to the slit of his length and Seonghwa, with fingers ensnared in HJ’s hair, feels electricity spark all along his spinal cord. 

“…Wow, _Seonghwa_ , you taste so _good_ ….”

“It feels so good HJ you’re doing so well and you look incredible you always do…,” Seonghwa says in one strained breath. 

HJ plays with Seonghwa’s cock on his tongue, and the sight of his precum mixed with HJ’s spit already has Seonghwa’s mind everywhere and nowhere at once. 

Seonghwa attempts to keep his voice steady. “…Baby you’re gonna look so good with your tongue pierced….”

“You think so…?” HJ asks in pseudo innocence. 

“…Mhm, but you already- already look so good….”

“You like watching me suck on your cock?” HJ questions now, still with a coy bounce in his tone.

Seonghwa moans thickly in response.

His hands trickle down to HJ’s face where he kneads affectionately at HJ’s cheeks with his thumbs, and HJ claims a full grasp on Seonghwa’s arousal and starts jerking him off at a pace that feels like lightning speed in Seonghwa’s succumbed mind. 

“You like watching me touch your cock like this? Fucking your cock like this?” HJ says, suddenly cheeky, challenging, and he worries at his lower lip and flips his hair away from amorous eyes. 

Seonghwa tries to throw his head backwards but it only results in him arching his back in his reclined position. 

“ _Fuck baby yeah_.”

“ _God_ -” HJ whimpers, shrill and desperate.

He releases Seonghwa from his grip. Seonghwa catches HJ in his arms and spanks him hard. 

“Your ass is fucking cute and soft,” Seonghwa rasps. 

“Do you like it…? You wanna fuck it…?” HJ moans, squirmy, impatient, crawling back on top of Seonghwa until they’re parallel, their bodies dissolving together. “You wanna shove your _big cock_ up my cute little ass and _fuck_ it, fuck me _real_ hard-”

Both of them are so wholeheartedly worked-up, it’s like they have no time or sense of control in order to get themselves situated. Seonghwa is overwrought, burning, hands are everywhere, arms in a tangle, their cocks both hard and wet, HJ’s satin mouth is on Seonghwa’s Adam’s apple.

He did buy some stuff. Just in case. Sometime the other day when he had felt hopeful about things. 

So he digs up some lucidity, releases his lips from HJ’s earlobe, and pulls himself away partially so that he can reach over the edge of the bed for the opaque plastic bag somewhere on the floor.

“I got us some-”

Seonghwa turns his head and sees HJ twisted around off the opposite side of the bed, having reached down for his fanny pack.

They’re both holding containers of lube.

“…I’ll just keep this one here, too,” HJ decides breathlessly, tossing the lube that he brought over into Seonghwa’s open suitcase in the room, and Seonghwa finds himself preoccupied for a split second by that resolution.

Hurriedly, Seonghwa scoots back so that he’s sitting up against the headboard of the bed, and HJ follows and straddles Seonghwa’s lap facing him.

Seonghwa applies the lubricant on his middle finger to start with, and reaches his arm around to finger at HJ’s ass, his other arm bracing HJ around his waist.

“You’re petite…,” Seonghwa comments in endearment. 

HJ whimpers, fretful almost. “Oh- my god- are- are your fingers even gonna fit up there…?”

Seonghwa laughs lightly on HJ’s ear. “Yeah, beautiful, don’t worry.”

“Why are you calling me that…,” HJ asks underneath his breath. 

“…Do you not want me to?”

“…No, I’m just asking why….”

Seonghwa brings their foreheads together and gazes down at HJ’s lips, misty in the dark. 

“Because it’s what you are.” 

HJ says nothing to that and just clings to Seonghwa’s shoulders like a buoy in saltwater. He slowly begins grinding in Seonghwa’s lap as Seonghwa stretches his entrance, and the both of them sound as if they’ve been running, running such a long distance. 

It’s a bit of an out-of-body experience, Seonghwa is recognizing. It’s surreal that they’re finally together like this. 

Why does it feel transcendent like this. Why does it feel like maybe, just maybe, they could take the rubble of their disasters and build something together that’s everlasting. 

Maybe they could know each other. 

Seonghwa is swift and efficient at applying more lube and adding an additional finger to their preparations, and after HJ adjusts to this Seonghwa curls his fingers in like a hook in search of HJ’s prostate.

Soon enough, HJ is biting his lip and smiling in an uncontrollable kind of rapture.

“…God- _g-god_ Seonghwa, got such pretty hands, _fuck_ you’re good- good with your fingers….”

“Is that your sweet spot baby?”

“Mhm, yeah, yeah, c-could you go a little faster, please-”

Nimble, Seonghwa flicks his wrist and watches as HJ, eyes closed, reaches a nirvana. 

“…H-Holy _fuck_ …!”

The little squeak shivering at the center of HJ’s voice is easily the most amazing sound in Seonghwa’s ear.

Seonghwa is certain that he’s going to finish hard and in no time with HJ in his lap like this, with their chests flush up against each other, Seonghwa slipping down lower, HJ’s pretty moaning, moaning the word _fuck_ over and over and over, his arms wrapped around Seonghwa in a knot, nails digging into his back, their slick cocks rubbing on each other, the feeling of how fucking tight HJ is around Seonghwa’s fingers. 

It’s a lot. Seonghwa is going through it. Why did he want this so badly it’s almost too good to handle. 

“ _Fuck I’m close_ -” Seonghwa grits out. 

“ _Fuck_ \- me too- I don’t wanna cum yet Seonghwa I don’t wanna,” HJ wails. 

Seonghwa removes his fingers and allows HJ to fall away from his lap, and he does so with an energy as he respires and leans back onto his elbows.

Just hearing HJ say that almost tipped Seonghwa over the edge, but he somehow fought it back alongside a fervent groan. The sudden lack of friction is painful almost.

“Oh shit, we need protection.”

Seonghwa had legitimately forgotten. Even though the condoms that he bought were literally in the same bag with the lube. How did he remember in the darkroom but forget in this perfectly sober moment. Better late than never, is what he hopes.

“What do you want baby how do you want it,” Seonghwa asks gently, yet still roused, while he rolls on a condom and lubes himself up. 

“I just- I just want you, I want you you’re so sweet-”

HJ is lying on his back with his knees up, his feet flat on the surface of the mattress, vocals after the fashion of a feather. 

It’s an unparalleled form of whiplash that Seonghwa is encountering as HJ flip-flops from aggressive to docile. 

HJ spreads his legs open for Seonghwa, and Seonghwa can do nothing but fight against every muscle in his body in order to push into HJ’s entrance as slowly as physically possible.

And the sounds of their searing duet encourage him to build up to a pace that’s comfortable and conquering for the both of them.

Seonghwa gulps for air, and it’s not so difficult to keep his eyes open, when he’s focusing down on the gemstone below him. “What do you like-”

“H-Harder… faster-”

“Like this baby? Faster?”

“ _M-More_ -”

“You like it like this baby?” Seonghwa says with ragged breath, and it should sound a whole lot more sensual but Seonghwa is actually genuinely concerned because he’s positively pounding into HJ balls-deep and the boy is mewling ecstatically, looking like he’s having a spiritual experience.

He’s so pretty. He is so, so pretty. Seonghwa is fascinated, HJ’s thighs fit so perfectly in his grasp; he’ll remember this boy for the rest of his life.

Seonghwa relocates his hands and works his thumbs over the tattoos on HJ’s hips, his butterfly split in two.

“ _J-Just like that_ ,” HJ moans.

“Just like that?” Seonghwa whispers. 

“Yeah- _yeah_ \- fucking me just like that-”

HJ is being fucking loud, which Seonghwa definitely has no problem with, but the hotel walls are so damn thin, he knows for a fact. 

They’re also kind of rocking the bed to hell and back and it’s thudding in opposition to the wall, Seonghwa is just now noticing. So he slows his rhythm just a little bit.

“… _Shh_ , baby-”

Seonghwa sweeps the hair off of HJ’s forehead and places a hand over HJ’s mouth. And the next thing Seonghwa discerns is that HJ’s eyes are enlarged; augmented in horror. 

His painted fingernails are stabbing into Seonghwa’s hand.

“Holy _shit_ \- fuck- HJ I’m so sorry are you okay I- I should’ve asked-”

Seonghwa pulls out, and backpedals. 

Because HJ looked… terrified.

Seonghwa regrets doing that. He regrets doing that a lot. 

What the fuck was he thinking, what the fuck is he thinking.

“No don’t leave me…!” 

HJ’s upper body is lifted. And he’s reaching out towards Seonghwa. His chest is heaving. 

Seonghwa is fighting to catch his own breath, his brow creased in a concerned astonishment.

“…Is there anything I should know…,” Seonghwa asks, very cautiously, “…what shouldn’t I do.”

“You can do anything but that please d-don’t leave me.”

HJ’s face is absolutely crumbled. He’s wringing his hands together; forlorn, heartsick. 

Seonghwa feels his heart shatter.

“I won’t leave you… I won’t ever leave you.”

Well fuck, HJ had some sort of trauma rekindled and Seonghwa is making promises. What the actual fuck. 

“…Do you want to stop…?”

HJ shakes his head ‘no’ with tears in his eyes. 

“We should- we should probably stop, HJ-” 

“No no I don’t even know why I reacted like that.”

Seonghwa knows that’s bullshit, but all he can do is strive to breathe in a semi-regular pattern with this worry in his chest. 

He harvests a huge breath, but his words come out paper-thin. 

“…I’m so sorry for being forceful like that… HJ… please- please try to be quiet, my parents and sister are in the rooms next door….”

HJ nods in understanding and his shuddered inhale is so stark. 

“You can bite my shoulder if you want,” Seonghwa offers. 

There’s a look of utter desperation in both of their eyes as they fathom how to move on from here. 

Seonghwa stays where he is.

“You don’t wanna stop…?” he double-checks. 

“N-No… no… Seonghwa… don’t, please don’t look at me like that, like I’m, like I’m- broken.” 

A new wave of dismay is crashing over HJ, he’s upset and his lip is trembling. 

He looks so small. He really is so small, and he looks so wounded. 

Seonghwa prays that he himself doesn’t look like a… monster. 

Seonghwa knows that he’s a failure, a disappointment, a catastrophe. But he’s not a monster.

He’s not a monster, he doesn’t want to be seen as one. 

Seonghwa feels how agape his mouth is, and the room feels freezing. 

“I- that’s- that’s not… no, I’m- please try to understand that right now I’m feeling extremely guilty because it looked like I hurt you… you looked like I had hurt you….”

A stinging scarlet behind Seonghwa’s eyelids is there to greet him when he brings them to a close.

“…I don’t want to hurt you….”

His throat is constricting, as he’s trying not to join HJ in this threatening weepiness.

Seonghwa opens his eyes to see two faultless streams running down HJ’s cheeks, teardrops dangling on the ends.

“I’m sorry… I’m sorry I’m _sorry_ I’m sorry-”

“No- HJ-” Seonghwa utters, frustrated, because he highly doubts that HJ’s affliction is due to an error of his own. “Can I- can I touch you right now, is it okay if I put my arms around you.”

HJ looks perplexed, his chest rising and falling with more magnitude. 

“S-Seonghwa… yes… of course… god, fuck, _please_ touch me please-”

Seonghwa crawls forward and lies down on top of HJ and kisses his cheek and squeezes him tenderly. He feels HJ’s legs wrap around his hips. 

“Seong- Hwa… will you j-just- speak… your voice really calms me down….”

“…Yeah… yeah… of course baby… I’m so sorry for frightening you, I really should have asked before I did that… I’m so sorry… I don’t want to hurt you… I would never want to hurt you… you’re safe and no one’s gonna hurt you… and I won’t leave you, okay…? I had fun with you today… your hat was so cute… your whole outfit was really nice… I’m glad you dressed warmly… I was worried you’d get cold… thank you for taking the train to come see me… you’re so pretty and I like being around you….”

Seonghwa finds it strange that he is kind of still aroused after all of this, and he has no clue why anything he just said would turn HJ back on, but lo and behold he’s now grinding up onto Seonghwa’s cock and biting into Seonghwa’s shoulder as he whimpers in lewd patterns and Seonghwa is promptly trying his damndest to coat his own guttural, gratified noises.

Elevating his body with whatever strength he has left, Seonghwa encourages HJ to flip over onto his stomach, and in a last-minute flurry of reasoning, Seonghwa once again searches blindly for wherever the protection had ended up on the floor. 

He’ll need to take some time to tidy up the room tomorrow. He’s experiencing a strange clarity of mind, all of a sudden. 

“To keep the bed clean, baby,” Seonghwa says as he tears open a condom and gestures for HJ to put it on.

Seonghwa’s fingers aren’t any less trembly than HJ’s but he helps HJ roll it on.

Lying down on his stomach, HJ hugs onto the pillow supporting his head. After Seonghwa applies more lube onto himself, he uses gentle hands to adjust HJ’s hips and ass, and he pushes himself inside HJ’s entrance once again.

HJ gasps, a squeal in the air pocket of his voice.

“…S-Seonghwa, _Seonghwa_ , I need you….”

He’s moaning so fucking erotically into the pillow beneath his face as Seonghwa fucks him into the mattress and all of it is more than enough to carry Seonghwa to climax, bow string fluttering in an euphonious oblivion, arrow penetrating a bittersweet bullseye. 

After Seonghwa pulls out, he withers at the foundation of their heavy breathing, crumpled on top of HJ’s back. 

HJ convulses in aftershock, but with a satisfied whine. Seonghwa kisses the soft curve of his shoulder. 

It was good clean love, like ice on windowpanes, like windowpanes in thunderstorms. It was an upstream and then a nosedive, and it was mild and uneasy at the bottom where they fell. 

Seonghwa tumbles off of HJ as his heart rate begins steadying, and he does his best to catch the tears on HJ’s face with his thumb but the tears keep coming.

He tries not to panic, and spends some time kissing HJ, everywhere but his lips. 

His jaw, his collarbones, his forearms, hands, and for a moment HJ rests a hand on Seonghwa’s cheek.

Seonghwa kisses his rib cage, his belly button, his thighs, and he leaves a peck on both of HJ’s knees.

To Seonghwa’s great relief, HJ does eventually settle down, just sniffling and still relocating his breath, his eyes reddened and swelling in the dusk.

Some of Seonghwa’s queasiness is beginning to subside.

He lies back down next to HJ, and HJ attaches himself to Seonghwa.

“Beautiful… I didn’t hurt you, did I…?”

“No no, you didn’t… it’s not that… I’m sorry….”

“Don’t be.”

Seonghwa says nothing more for a little while and just enfolds him.

“Can you forgive me?”

“You did nothing wrong, you didn’t know,” HJ says, just above a whisper. 

His gaze looks distant and leaky. 

“HJ… I’m worried about you….”

He hides his face on Seonghwa’s chest and starts sobbing, but it’s a quiet sobbing. His back is heaving underneath Seonghwa’s touch, and Seonghwa’s skin is dampened.

Seonghwa wants to ask so many questions, too many questions, the list is ever-growing; age-old vines inching up the turret of a bombarded fortress. 

But he won’t ask, definitely not now, and not until HJ is ready to share without even being asked.

“Baby it’s okay… it’s okay… you can cry as much as you want….”

Seonghwa notices that HJ has gotten cold; he’s shaking. 

So he snatches one of his thicker cardigans and drapes it over HJ’s body.

And he waits and continues to hold HJ until he is no longer trembling.

“…Can I clean you up?”

With HJ’s approval, Seonghwa removes his condom and disposes of it. He scurries into the bathroom to prepare a warm washcloth and he maneuvers it to clean around HJ’s dick, which makes him twitch just a bit. Seonghwa flips and folds the cloth over and uses it to massage around HJ’s abdomen and hips too, because it seems to be soothing to him.

After that, HJ curls himself into a ball and pulls Seonghwa’s cardigan around him like a blanket.

Seonghwa proceeds to speedily clean himself up, and then he resumes cradling HJ, maybe for close to an hour, just running a hand like paint strokes along HJ’s back, and it sounds as if he likes it, he’s practically purring in the darkened room. 

“HJ, are you hungry…?”

“A little.”

“Would you feel comfortable with me leaving you here, for just a few minutes, while I go grab us some food?”

“That’s completely fine, thank you.” 

“Text me your favorite foods, and I’ll buy you all of your favorites, okay?”

As Seonghwa is getting dressed he tells HJ to help himself to his shampoo, clothes, whatever he needs.

Right when Seonghwa makes it across the street and walks through the doors at 7-Eleven, his phone buzzes with a message.

  
  


**HJ:**

donuts (pink frosting or chocolate) 

katsu sandwich 

nori crackers 

peach drink

strawberry daifuku 

  
  


He picks up HJ’s menu and a bunch more from the convenience store and strides back into the tranquil hotel lobby and it could be 8:00PM or 3:00AM for all he knows, time is especially nonexistent right now.

Seonghwa returns to his room to see the lights on, bathroom steamy, and he catches a whiff of his body wash. 

HJ is perched in bed with his phone in hand. The covers are rumpled and blanketed snugly across his lower half. 

He looks so young without his makeup on. And he’s wearing an oversized crew neck sweatshirt of Seonghwa’s. 

His bare face is exceptionally soft and sweet. Seonghwa tries not to stare for too long. 

After Seonghwa takes a shower of his own, he pulls on a clean pair of underwear, and although he’s used to lazing around with nothing else, he tosses on a plain t-shirt, just to be polite or something. 

He gets situated on the bed next to HJ, who’s munching away on his crackers. 

They eat. The food nurtures a mutual exhaustion. 

HJ is making eye contact now which Seonghwa is relieved to see, but he has remained hushed. 

Seonghwa takes a sip of his matcha latte.

“What are you running away from.”

HJ stares at Seonghwa long and hard.

“Liars, cheaters, my mom, even though she’s not even chasing after me she’s running away from me, too. Says she raised a son not a daughter.”

Seonghwa gapes, at HJ’s honesty and at the information itself. 

“Wow, I- empathize with you on that,” Seonghwa says. “That- that really sucks though, I’m sorry….”

“Running away from myself,” HJ adds.

“…Why?” Seonghwa wonders aloud. “You’re so… bright. You’re such an individual. You’re creative, and well-spoken, and really likable.”

“No I’m not.”

Seonghwa offers a sad smile. “You’re gonna make your inner self cry, remember…?” 

HJ glares harmlessly for just a moment at Seonghwa remembering his tipsy words of wisdom, and then he looks at the window.

“I liked being at the pier, by the water, the other day with you… with you guys…,” he mumbles. “I feel like the water is as far as I can run away to, like no one can find me there.”

Seonghwa doesn’t exactly like what HJ is saying. He’s troubled over not knowing of HJ’s situation, and that he can’t help somehow. HJ mentioned his mom, that’s probably the most Seonghwa knows so far.

Is his mom the one who hurt him? The one who called him Angel? 

But Seonghwa is curious about who these liars and cheaters are in HJ’s life.

Seonghwa feels helpless.

When they finish their meal he clears away their trash, turns the room lights off, and dips underneath the bedcovers.

He carefully closes the distance between HJ and himself, until they’re turned in towards one another. There’s just barely enough room for the two of them on this bed intended for a solo traveler. 

It’s very hesitant and wordless cuddling. 

HJ is holding rather still so it’s Seonghwa who brings their bodies together, encircling his arm around HJ’s waist. HJ’s hand ends up resting flimsily on the side of Seonghwa’s neck, and he meets Seonghwa’s gaze in his classic impassiveness. 

The baby pink strands of hair around HJ’s temples are something visible only from this close up. His eyes are renewed and unguarded, moonlight bathing on the side of his face. 

Seonghwa thinks to himself… _beautiful._

No, he doesn’t know any of the big things. And maybe San had a point, maybe it really is none of Seonghwa’s business. But he can at least start with the small things, they can at least take short steps, towards an unknown.

“What kind of music do you like,” Seonghwa asks.

“Anything, anything with a heavy bass,” HJ responds blankly. 

“Okay…,” Seonghwa says as he reaches for his phone, “well we need to listen to something quiet in here.”

“You’re a grandpa,” HJ scoffs.

“No I’m not I’m a respectable hotel patron.”

HJ presses a tiny kiss on Seonghwa’s jaw and they share a passing glance. 

Seonghwa selects his playlist titled _Stuff that calms me down_ and sets his phone aside.

“Do you like your hwachae made at home or store-bought,” Seonghwa questions after a minute or so of music whirling lightly through the room. 

HJ looks low-key appalled. “What the hell, making that shit is hell, I get that shit delivered to my door.”

“Summer is soon, I was thinking of hwachae,” Seonghwa says dreamily. 

“You like it that much?”

“Well I just like food in general. Only thing I’m thinking about ever.”

“Only thinking about food all the time?” HJ asks with an eyebrow upraised.

“Yeah, but lately there is one other thing I’ve been thinking about a lot.”

“Wow, you’re really bad at flirting.”

“Maybe,” Seonghwa chuckles. “Why do you blush so much then.”

HJ’s jaw drops a little bit. “Because- because you’re just so-”

Choosing flight over fight, he pulls the bedsheets over his face.

“What’s your favorite color,” his muffled voice asks from beneath the coverings.

“Oh my god and _you’re_ really bad at small talk,” Seonghwa says with a grin. 

“What’s your goddamn favorite color I’m trying to play this ‘let’s know each other’ game of yours,” HJ grumbles, peeking out from his nest. 

“See this question is hard because it’s like- favorite color of clothes to wear? Or just a color that you’re drawn to, you know?”

“Literally never fucking thought about it that deeply but yeah I see what you mean.”

“I like wearing dark clothes,” Seonghwa goes on, “blacks, greys, browns, but I’ve always loved blue, like a pale, almost periwinkle blue, almost like the nail polish you had on when I met you.”

“Damn, you’re obsessed with me aren’t you,” HJ snorts jokingly.

“No I just remember weird details.”

“You actually pay attention,” HJ says, his voice softer now, “that’s nice.”

Seonghwa wants to say something along the lines of _how could I_ not _pay attention to you_ but he settles for pressing a kiss to HJ’s forehead instead. 

“I bought black nail polish the other day,” HJ mentions while he brushes a hand through Seonghwa’s hair. “I could bring it over and paint your nails.”

“Okay, that would be fun.”

“I like yellow,” HJ says simply, and it’s very sweet how he says it. 

Seonghwa feels himself smile, gently. “Yellow is nice, yellow is underrated.” 

“I think of buttercup flowers, and lemonade. And I have a pair of yellow rain boots, too.” 

The mental imagery of HJ splashing around in puddles with little yellow rain boots on almost takes Seonghwa out. 

“That’s really cute,” Seonghwa says bashfully.

HJ snuggles closer to him and sighs.

“When do we get to the part where you tell me your real name?” Seonghwa mutters at the crown of HJ’s head. 

“Never,” HJ responds melodramatically.

“Are you okay?”

When Seonghwa pulls back just enough to look at him, HJ appears crestfallen again, the tail end of the whole predicament hiding in his expression.

“Yeah, I am now. Thanks.”

“Your smile…,” Seonghwa trails off. 

“…What about it?”

“It’s like…,” Seonghwa says, pausing to think for a second. “You know when you light a match, it’s like, in that split second, the flicker.”

  
  


_It’s like all of my problems are gone._

  
  


HJ blinks slowly. “That’s my smile?”

“Yeah, something like that… something I’d love to see more, but only if it feels right for you to smile….”

“You don’t smile enough either,” HJ gripes. 

“Well if you smile more then I will no doubt.” 

HJ does his little nose crinkle thing and he does smile and it’s brittle and wearied almost but it couldn’t be any more sincere.

Seonghwa finds out that HJ is partial to chrysanthemum tea. He loves snow, and his favorite thing is staying inside and painting with his watercolors during a snowstorm. His favorite season though is autumn, and every year on his birthday he makes a music playlist to archive how he feels at that moment. He talks a lot about the seasons. His favorite sounds are summertime sounds; cicadas and wooden wind chimes at his grandparents’ home in the countryside. Springtime he describes as a meadow overflowing with wildflowers, picnic blankets warmed by the sun, and sketching outside in the shade; napping next to plum blossom petals and pencil shavings. HJ likes spearmint lip balm and he wants to try wearing a skirt someday because he thinks that they’re pretty. He wants to run away to Paris with someone he trusts and learn photography there. He says that when he gets sleepy he rambles, and he goes on to ramble about Seonghwa’s honey-milk-tea skin and tapioca-pearl eyes and then he apologizes for rambling and Seonghwa tells him that he has nothing to be sorry for. 

Seonghwa notes that HJ doesn’t mention anything that he doesn’t like. 

And they listen to unrealistic love songs in bed, until they doze off in each other’s arms at sunrise. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi this was a shitshow and oops may or may not have foreshadowed this a lil bit in chapter 1 because I’m awful but pls refer to the tag that reads “Happy Ending” 😭 I promise I promise 🥺❤️
> 
> thank you guys so so so so much for reading and for your continued kindness towards this story!!!! 😭💖💖💖
> 
> I GOT SOME GOOD(?) NEWS & BAD NEWS- 
> 
> so much shit happens next and I can’t find a way to separate my notes into shorter chapters so longer chapters are more than likely gonna be a thing BUT this means goodbye weekly updates 😢 my brain LOVES set schedules so I’m legit having to come to terms with the fact that I’m slow and I can only write so much in 7 days lmao but n e ways I’m estimating 10 - 12 days between updates instead!! hope it’ll be worth the wait!! 🥰🥰
> 
> see u guys not next weekend (cries) but SOON lol!! 💕💕💕💕
> 
> ()()()()()()()()
> 
> chapter title inspo: “You and Beautiful World” - Megurine Luka
> 
> tokyo runaways playlist: 🏮 [here](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLsenJSIypLnyfjjq8b_sdbOM4fFaLTBI2) 🏮
> 
> ()()()()()()()()
> 
> twitter: hj_pan_cake


	5. by chance, they looked up at the same shooting star // where the sky is blue forever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ⭐️  
> TW / CW in this chapter:  
> implied body dysphoria (before the 1st page break)  
> smut (after the 2nd page break & *a little sprinkle* after the 4th page break)  
> homophobia (after the 3rd page break)  
> mention of drinking (after the 4th page break)  
> ⭐️

Yesterday, Seonghwa woke up with HJ nestled next to him. 

And he does today, too. 

HJ looks like a cherub sleeping, breathing shallow, resting still as the earth orbits around him, until he wakes up and the film reel projector behind his eyes comes alive and he looks like he’s in a pain that just won’t go away.

That’s how it went yesterday, anyway. 

The roaring of a delivery truck out on the street is what stirs Seonghwa awake today, and he blinks away his drowsiness and checks the time with a displeased groan. 

It’s only 9:00AM. Seonghwa eyes HJ, whose mouth is slightly parted. He looks totally out of it, his hair is a perfect mess and his dark roots are starting to show; strawberry and chocolate. 

Seonghwa had to spend the day prior with his family, but HJ stayed in the hotel room and didn’t leave bed all day. 

He said that he wasn’t feeling well. Seonghwa, in great concern, asked HJ if he wanted him to stay. But HJ said no, and just gave off the impression of being in a daze. No more glass beads have doused and dropped from HJ’s lower eyelashes, and Seonghwa believes that it would mean a great deal if he could ensure that HJ feels safe, even when inevitable tears come along from time to time. 

HJ has been moody as per usual, either reluctant towards Seonghwa’s attempts at affection, or very forward and seductive. 

Given these circumstances, they really haven’t fucked around that much more. Which might be for the best, HJ’s ass might still be sore from the other evening.

When Seonghwa got home from his day out yesterday, he was comprehensively drained, and also wary about pushing too much when he returned to find HJ curled up and distant.

They relaxed in bed and fucked with their eyes more than anything. HJ teased Seonghwa a little bit by straddling his lap, and they did touch each other in the dark. They both kind of teased each other with their clothes on, just enough to make Seonghwa feel like he was going to go insane from the tension. Seonghwa found himself on top of HJ and they both squirmed on one another until they got what they wanted, but in the end Seonghwa felt worried all over again, worried that maybe he really did scare HJ the other night; worried that his deep fear of being heard by his parents ruined things and ended up scarring HJ, or adding salt to an old wound. 

So they’re dancing around each other again, despite them being right in the palm of each other’s hands. 

But neither of them have said anything about HJ returning to stay at Wooyoung’s place. HJ’s suitcase is now in Seonghwa’s room, which makes Seonghwa think that maybe HJ did leave the hotel briefly while Seonghwa was out. 

HJ has an arm strung around Seonghwa’s waist. He issues an exceptionally large inhale and exhale, almost as if he’s close to waking. 

  
  


_I feel like the water is as far as I can run away to_ ….

  
  


Fondly, Seonghwa studies HJ for a moment more. 

And then he calls his mother, who answers right away. 

“Hey, I’m feeling sick.” 

Seonghwa whispers the lie, and he adds some gruffness to his voice that’s already scratchy with the morning. 

“I’m gonna stay in today.”

She’s mostly fussy towards this news and somewhat concerned for his health. “You can’t get sick on vacation” was her initial response, as if he’s not allowed to, or as if getting sick is an impossible thing for humans when they’re away from home.

After Seonghwa successfully cancels his family plans for the day and ends the call with his mother, he checks the weather forecast for a specific area that he would really like to take HJ to.

Apparently it’s cooler than usual there today, which isn’t exactly ideal, but less people might be there because of it. 

Before long, with his eyes still screwed shut, HJ is stretching himself out long from fingertips to toes. He makes a pleasant little squeal and furrows his brow just faintly.

He opens his eyes and squints in search of Seonghwa, and promptly wiggles himself back closer to his companion’s side.

HJ sticks his hand right up underneath Seonghwa’s shirt and starts grazing his hand across Seonghwa’s abs. It tickles just a tad, but Seonghwa holds strong and acts as though he’s not physically or emotionally roused by the gesture. 

Seonghwa really wants to say _Good morning, Pumpkin_ or some shit like that but he forbids himself. 

“What are you looking at,” HJ mumbles groggily.

He tries to peek at Seonghwa’s phone but Seonghwa dodges him and shifts his body away with a smirk that he just can’t seem to conceal. 

HJ lets out a small noise of annoyance. He already seems to be in unusually good spirits today. 

Seonghwa sets his phone aside and turns in towards HJ, giving him his undivided attention, and a gaze that he hopes HJ can trust. 

“I know what we’re gonna do today.” 

“We’re gonna do something today…?” HJ asks quietly. 

It dawns on Seonghwa that maybe, just maybe, HJ really has been kind of bored during his stay in Japan. Wooyoung has been busy with school, he’s most likely only been able to take HJ out when he’s not absolutely swamped with studies and deadlines. Maybe HJ has been a bit lonesome. Unless what he’s doing now with Seonghwa is something that he’s already done with someone else while being here. 

Somewhere along the way, Seonghwa lost his suspicions regarding that notion. 

“Yeah, if you want to, if you’re up for it.”

HJ just nods in reply.

“It’s a surprise,” Seonghwa explains. “I’m not telling you where we’re going.”

HJ makes a face that’s probably supposed to look threatening. 

“Rude! Tell me Seonghwa.” 

“No, it’s a surprise, just for you.” 

Simultaneously, HJ rolls his eyes and rolls on top of Seonghwa. 

“Your hair is pretty,” he comments from where he’s slumped atop Seonghwa’s chest.

He’s twirling his fingers haphazardly in Seonghwa’s hair. 

“Thank you, yours is too,” Seonghwa murmurs. “Your nose is so cute.”

HJ laughs the warmest laugh Seonghwa has ever come across. 

“Thank you.” 

He kisses Seonghwa’s nose, and Seonghwa counterattacks by planting a soft one on HJ’s cheek.

“Why do you look at me like that,” HJ questions.

His voice dissolves into the restful noise of the room’s air purifier. 

“…Like what.”

“Like- I don’t know….”

“Well I can’t tell you if you don’t know,” Seonghwa grins. 

He gives HJ’s bare ass a little squeeze underneath the bedcovers. 

Even though HJ has his suitcase here now, he’s still wearing one of Seonghwa’s shirts. 

Seonghwa hasn’t dared ask HJ what that’s all about; why he’s been digging through Seonghwa’s clothes and parading around the small space wearing them and lounging in bed in them. HJ doesn’t like to wear pants, Seonghwa has noticed. 

Seonghwa has also noticed that most of their agreements are silent ones. 

He grabs HJ’s asscheek once again because it’s nearly irresistible not to. Seonghwa is convinced that God put a lot of consideration and design into creating HJ’s bottom.

HJ moans delicately, and the reverberation somehow sneaks its way into Seonghwa’s bloodstream. Seonghwa’s heart begins beating significantly faster when HJ nuzzles his head on Seonghwa’s chest. 

What the _fuck_ is this wayward feeling in Seonghwa’s lungs. He does not want to get out of bed, he would very much so love to stay in bed all day with HJ and simmer in this unexpected infatuation and shower him in compliments and nervous kisses. 

“I don’t like my body sometimes…,” HJ sighs, and he rests the side of his head down on Seonghwa’s collarbone.

Seonghwa frowns. “What do you mean?” 

  
  


_You’re so perfect_ …. _I was literally just thinking to myself that you’re so perfect_ …. 

  
  


“I don’t know I wish I had more… curves? Like an hourglass shape, you know.”

Seonghwa takes a moment to process both the words HJ is speaking, and the fact that HJ is sharing something rather personal with him. Seonghwa plays with HJ’s hair fluidly, attentively. 

“Can I just be frank with you and say that I honestly don’t know how to respond, I don’t want to invalidate you or say the wrong thing or-”

“Oh it’s not a big deal I promise!” HJ claims, clasping onto Seonghwa’s bicep. “I’m- I’m okay with being myself, it’s just every now and then I’m super discontent.” 

Seonghwa wets his lips, and tilts HJ’s chin up so that they’re eye to eye. 

“Is there anything that you don’t like hearing, or any parts of your body that you don’t wanna hear about.”

“No no, things that you say actually help a lot…,” HJ responds.

“Okay. Is it okay talking about it, or can I ask questions or-”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m the one who brought it up, I promise it’s not serious, like, I’m just rambling.”

“Okay,” Seonghwa says, “if I tell you that I like your waist and your hips, is that okay.”

“Mhm, thank you.”

“Um, do you like having a dick, or…?”

“Mhm I like having a dick. _Your_ dick,” HJ chirps. 

“Oh my god HJ.”

HJ giggles cleverly. “Yeah I’m fine with it.”

“Okay, well you can always talk to me…,” Seonghwa says. “If nothing else, I can listen. I like listening to you and I want to know more about you.”

There’s a darling ribbon of satin blush flung across HJ’s face. 

“You always say that….”

Seonghwa smiles. “You’re catching on to that huh?”

They find a quietude together comfortably, and after a while longer of unhurriedly healing in the morning’s light, somehow they find it in themselves to rise out of bed and properly salute the day.

()()()()()()()()

They don’t leave the hotel until noontime, and they settle on walking thirty minutes instead of taking the train to Ueno, which isn’t their secret destination for the day, but they both thought that it would be nice to go back together since it was a spot that they had both enjoyed separately.

It’s a crisp form of sunshine inspiring all of the shadows stuck on buildings and trees, and there’s something in each breath of wind that feels like adventure. 

Seonghwa is impressed that he hasn’t tripped yet given how many times he’s glancing over at HJ, who’s wearing black harem joggers and an electric-blue crop top with sleeves that go past his fingertips. 

HJ put little curls in his hair, and he’s outside barefaced, for the first time that Seonghwa has witnessed. 

They’re always playing some sort of unspoken game, Seonghwa has realized, and the one they’re currently engaging in is a hand-holding game. 

These backstreets leading away from Asakusa are humble and peaceful, cluttered with small businesses, apartments, shrines and temples, tucked in serendipitous crevices. The only other living souls out and about right now pass by Seonghwa and HJ on bicycles. 

Seonghwa was the one who started this, technically. He brushed the back of his hand on HJ’s, and HJ pulled away very deliberately, which alarmed Seonghwa until he saw the smile twinkling on HJ’s face, his eyes focused down on his feet. 

Seonghwa looks down at their path now, too. He has on a pair of mid-calf combat boots that make his legs look even longer than they already are. 

With his pointer finger and thumb, HJ tugs at the cuff of Seonghwa’s oversized bomber jacket as they walk along. 

And when HJ sneakily inches to hook his fingers with Seonghwa’s, Seonghwa moves his hand away, combs it through his hair, and winks at HJ, who looks like a ripened berry ready to fight. 

These subtle exchanges go on until traffic stops them at a pedestrian crosswalk. 

Seonghwa uses the pause to his advantage and captures HJ’s hand swiftly, lacing their fingers together. He rests the backside of HJ’s hand on his cheek, and then gives it a kiss. 

“I haven’t told you yet that you look really adorable today, I’m sorry,” Seonghwa murmurs on top of HJ’s hand, and he gives it another cushioned peck with his lips. 

HJ gulps and stares, as he can do nothing but stand there. 

“You look handsome as always, Seonghwa.”

He says it smoothly, melodiously, in a dashing tone that Seonghwa is sure he’s never heard HJ use before. Seonghwa is stunned, especially because HJ doesn’t add a wily smirk or anything. If this game has rounds, Seonghwa definitely lost this one. 

The closer they get to Ueno the busier it becomes. The train that they could’ve taken rumbles above them from its suspended track.

Seonghwa and HJ end up spending a decent amount of time in Ueno, strolling around the large park, stopping to watch some live painters. They go in Yamashiroya toy store and check out all six floors of the building, and they stop by Wholesome Bakery and each get a custard bread in the shape of a panda bear face. 

Seonghwa remembers walking around this area with his family, thinking about nothing but HJ two days after having met him. 

The afternoon saunters along, and after indulging in hearty bowls of Udon for an early dinner, they finally take off towards the day’s main attraction, which waits for them about an hour southwest of Ueno Station. 

There are seats available on the train and HJ falls asleep on Seonghwa’s shoulder for a while. It feels good to get out, to run away, to not feel alone, but to feel like it’s just the two of them. 

HJ has a daisy earring in one of his helix piercings that Seonghwa hasn’t seen until now. It’s cute. Seonghwa makes a mental note to have HJ show him his jewelry collection, because HJ would probably enjoy that show-and-tell. 

“We feel far away,” HJ says curiously when they arrive and exit the unfamiliar station. He sounds sleepy and rubs at his eyes. 

And he’s right, it does feel really different out here as compared to the city, even though they’re only fifty minutes outside of Tokyo. There are palm trees, shiplap exteriors on residences, and a kick of salt in the air. Seonghwa wonders if HJ will be able to guess what they’re about to see, just by the atmosphere of this briny town. 

They have to walk through neighborhoods to get to their first stop and nobody is around on these narrower streets once again, so they walk arm in arm, and for some reason they get talking about their favorite books from childhood; bleary memories of illustrations and morals. 

The temple of Kamakura Daibutsu hosts a few straggling tourists, everyone snapping photos of the extraordinary bronze statue in the center of the courtyard. 

“This is the surprise?” HJ asks, not at all trying to mask his disappointment. 

“No, but it’s like, a really famous Buddha statue in Japan, so I figured we should stop by just to check it out.”

This only makes HJ cling onto Seonghwa with even more force. 

“I wanna be at the surprise already!” he whines.

It’s another twenty or so minutes to the long-awaited port of call. Seonghwa is starting to sweat despite the mild weather, from both anticipation, and from the breathless, partly delirious exertion. He looks over at HJ often, who’s been babbling anything and everything that comes to his mind, and who hasn’t brought out his typical numbed expression all day. 

“It smells like… the ocean?”

Finally reaching Kamakura beach is a great reward after all of their trekking, and the sun is just starting to set over the pacific horizon. Seonghwa feels that this is the first time in a long time that any sort of plan of his has worked out so flawlessly. 

As they reach the end of the avenue, the extent of the wise ocean comes into view.

It’s a lovely place. The sound of the sea is unparalleled and soothing. It’s a vast setting, even from all the way out here on the promenade, the tidewater pulls them in and forces them to bow down at its majesty. 

The twilight road carries them closer in a gusty silence, until HJ just stops. 

Only his hair caught in the breeze is in motion. 

HJ gazes out at the dazzling light, and when he turns around, he flashes Seonghwa the biggest, balmiest, most cloudless smile. 

They leave their shoes up near the walkway. 

They roll up the bottoms of their pants and leave empathetic footprints in the sand.

They race all the way out to the shore, and when their soles touch the water, it’s like an epiphany. 

It’s kind of impossible not to splash each other, especially given the variety of squeaky giggles HJ is producing because of it. Seonghwa is pretty sure it’s just about the cutest shit he’s ever heard. 

“Seonghwa!” HJ shouts when he gets lured a little further out, the waves coming up to his knees. 

Seonghwa wades over and holds HJ around his waist and makes sure that he doesn’t get sucked in any deeper.

After a while of playing in the water, they simply walk down the shoreline, and it isn’t long before HJ finds a stick and decides to brandish it as his paintbrush.

Seonghwa watches the letters take shape.

  
  


**_SH + HJ_ **

  
  


HJ scuttles around in the sand, now drawing a heart to envelop the initials that he embedded in the seashore. 

Seonghwa takes a photo of HJ looking very pleased, squatting down next to his creation, and Seonghwa almost makes it his new lock screen and home screen on his phone right then and there. 

Even with the coastal chill in the area, especially as the sphere in the sky keeps fading, their skin is warm in contrast. Everything is sweet and sticky as they stumble along glued at the hip. 

Seonghwa isn’t sure if it’s the cooler weather, the day they chose to come, or the time of day, but there’s no one else wandering on this particular stretch of beach. It’s their utopia.

Seonghwa had hoped that coming here would make HJ happy, but he did not anticipate seeing HJ this elated. 

“Can we stay here forever?”

HJ asks it while he’s crouching and grinning down at a large clump of seaweed washed up on land. He pokes at it, looking as though he expects it to come alive. 

There really is something in the air out here, an unknown something that makes it feel like they’re so far from danger. 

In his mind, Seonghwa pictures this boy running into his arms in slow motion. He’s trying not to think of their timeline. In this picturesque moment, he’s trying not to think of real life; his status as a failure.

He’s raising his white flag. 

HJ is spinning around in a little circle now, giggling quietly to himself with his arms out like a helicopter. 

He’s halted abruptly when Seonghwa collides into him and wraps his arms around him as complete as a halo; a ring, a compass. 

They find an imperfect balance, HJ’s hands rest down on Seonghwa’s shoulders, and a noise of surprise leaves him, a look of wonder sketched across his face. HJ feels so toasty up against Seonghwa’s body, harbored there snug like a tugboat at bay. Seonghwa gazes down at HJ in admiration, as if he’s even more immeasurably overpowering than the ocean; looking at him in heartbreak, as if this big body of water could separate them someday. 

Without a word, or so much as a breath, Seonghwa leans down and kisses HJ’s lips. 

They’re incredibly soft and surreal, they’re plush cherry gelatin, and HJ tastes like that peach drink he’s always getting at the convenience store. 

HJ’s lips are warmth incarnate, and it feels right, how their noses caress inelegantly. 

HJ is kissing Seonghwa in return and it’s surprisingly hungry and needy and desperate and with literally no hesitation whatsoever, even though just seconds ago he had looked suspended in an awe, his shy side floating in a bubble of seashells, submarine flowers, and nightfall. 

Seonghwa presses with deliberance once more, and runs his tongue along HJ’s lower lip before they break away, their mouths almost reluctant and refusing to do so.

“I’ve been wanting to do that,” Seonghwa says plainly.

He’s panting, HJ is panting, too; HJ’s eyes are diamonds. 

“Really…?” he practically whispers.

Seonghwa nods as he’s swallowing, breathing through his nose, peering back down at HJ’s reddened mouth. 

HJ’s breath is just as stolen, along with the surge of the ocean in their background, and he’s looking up at Seonghwa as if he can’t believe his eyes. 

“This was one of the two things,” he utters.

“…What?”

“The two things I want… I’ve been wanting you to kiss me,” HJ explains in a small voice. “I really wanted to be kissed by you….”

“What’s the other thing, beautiful?” Seonghwa asks, his heart positively hammering, hoping that HJ will tell him everything, absolutely everything. 

“…Can’t say it, I’m not allowed to say it. I kind of tried to say it tonight already….”

Seonghwa smiles, tenderhearted. HJ really is trying his best, and Seonghwa couldn’t ask for anything more, honestly. 

Seonghwa hooks his hands together behind HJ, and with his arms linked underneath HJ’s bottom, Seonghwa lifts him up, and cranes his own head back as HJ kisses him, his fingers trembling lacework in Seonghwa’s hair. 

HJ is making Seonghwa weak in more ways than one, he can’t hold HJ up above the ground for too much longer. 

Lowering HJ back down to the sand, Seonghwa places his hands on either side of HJ’s neck, stroking his cheeks with kindly thumbs. 

It’s almost bashful this time, when they dip back in. HJ tilts his head, and Seonghwa is impelled to kiss him unhurried, savoring the sounds traveling up from HJ’s throat to his very precious pucker.

Their tongues are eagerly learning each other, warring with each other, yet reassuring each other in their first slow dance. 

And unsurprisingly, the kissing gets rather heated; HJ is now moaning without reserve, grabbing at Seonghwa’s jacket, his whole body squirming in a sparky desire. 

With a demanding whimper, HJ surfaces for air.

“…So, uh, fuck me on the beach, maybe?”

Seonghwa laughs. “Baby, that sounds really dry and sandy. And possibly illegal.”

HJ crinkles his nose and laughs too and it’s so endearing, Seonghwa senses a dire lack of gravity on this planet dipped in eventide.

So he keeps holding on to the treasure in his arms, who’s pulling him back down for more. Seonghwa can’t get over how damn delicious HJ’s lips are. They’re headstrong yet soft, just like he is. Seonghwa’s stomach does a delayed flip. He has tingles all over his body, flowing and falling like a meteor shower, or vines of purple wisteria.

Seonghwa has been up HJ’s ass but somehow this feels far more intimate and vulnerable.

With each kiss, he’s making a promise to HJ to adore him. He’s absolutely adorable and Seonghwa intends on adoring him.

()()()()()()()()

They almost fail to pinpoint where they left their shoes up near the promenade, and it’s growing darker now.

The mountains surrounding the seaside are tinted in blues and reds. These colors are looking up at a peculiar shooting star, and each key of a piano seems to be creating a new star; chords of constellations held up in the universe by strings of an instrument trusted and traditional.

Every time Seonghwa glances over at HJ, he sees starlight. 

On their walk back to Kamakura Station, HJ is shivering from the cold, but he’s still in good cheer. Seonghwa lets HJ wear his jacket, and he keeps his arms around HJ’s shoulders as they continue on briskly. 

“You gonna warm me up when we get back…? You gonna make my whole body warm…?”

HJ is really impatient and quite shameless during the hour’s train ride home, whispering things that make Seonghwa just stare at him, dumbfounded and undeniably turned on. All he can do is run a thumb back and forth on HJ’s thigh, cooing at him in response. He’s weak and all he has to offer are inadequate attempts at keeping the both of them persevering.

It’s sultry darkness and melty city lights all the way to Asakusa, and Seonghwa doesn’t give a single fuck if anyone in the increasing crowds catches on to their displays of affection; subtle, but public nonetheless. 

At long last, they find themselves alone in the hotel elevator, and as soon as the doors close HJ is full-on moaning. Seonghwa fondles HJ’s rosy cheeks in his palms and kisses him frantically, entirely ignoring the cameras inside the ascending compartment. 

They break apart messily, as Seonghwa is cornering HJ in the nook of the walls.

“… _I wanna ride you Seonghwa_ ….”

They spill out of the elevator on their floor of the building, and right when Seonghwa starts fumbling with the room key, he feels his phone go off. 

And he groans when he realizes that it’s vibrating in the steady pattern of a phone call, not just the simple buzz from a text that he can ignore and reply to later. 

When he checked his phone on the train, he saw that he had already missed a call from his mother earlier. 

“Fuck if I don’t answer this she’ll come knocking on the door-”

The two of them scramble inside their room, and Seonghwa winces at how loud the door slams shut. 

He gives HJ an apologetic look as he brings his phone up to his ear, and he plops down onto the bed and adjusts himself until he’s sitting up against the headboard. 

HJ appears unphased by their interruption. He crawls over to Seonghwa, lounges out next to him, and casts a leg across Seonghwa’s pelvis.

“Hey- hey yeah I’m here, I’ve just been sleeping a lot…. Yeah, yeah, I guess I’m feeling a little better….”

While Seonghwa continues to engage with his mother over the phone, HJ begins grinding on Seonghwa’s leg.

His eyes are shut, and he’s covering his mouth with his hand, his other hand snaking up underneath Seonghwa’s shirt. 

“Y-Yeah, Mom, you really don’t need to worry, it could just be allergies, I really don’t even know…. Huh…? Oh, oh, yeah sure, I guess- I guess it would be cool to hear about what I missed out on today….”

Seonghwa doesn’t hear a word of what his mother is talking about because he’s too busy watching HJ hump his thigh.

HJ peers up and finds Seonghwa’s eyes in a tragic succumbing as his bucking picks up speed. Briefly, Seonghwa sets his phone facedown.

“That feel good baby…?” he whispers.

Clenching his hand tighter over his mouth, HJ appears to liquify under Seonghwa’s lustful gaze. 

Seonghwa returns his phone to his ear and hears his mother prattling on about the rotten stench of a seafood market. “Wow, that sounds fun.”

HJ is practically straddling Seonghwa now, and Seonghwa has to sink his teeth down into his lip to keep from moaning because he’s pretty damn hard and HJ is grinding on his clothed dick in an all-out chase for euphoria. 

“… _Fuck_ … _fuck_ … _fuck_ … _fuck_ ….”

As HJ is riding out his orgasm in whispers and an overall impressive hush, Seonghwa slides his available hand down the back of HJ’s pants and kneads one of his asscheeks in encouragement, and then trails his hand up to tousle HJ’s soft hair. 

“Mhm, yeah, wow, it really does sound like I missed out on a great time, I believe you, Mom.”

It’s not even a minute later when, after having collapsed there motionless on Seonghwa’s chest in a post-climactic bliss, HJ tumbles away and rises to his feet. 

He grabs something in his suitcase, and disappears into the bathroom. 

“Okay well I’m feeling drowsy again I’m gonna get some more rest, I’ll talk with you tomorrow…?”

After his mother oh-so-kindly reminds him that she’s right next door if he needs anything, Seonghwa, finally, hangs up and throws his phone to the side. 

“Baby where are you?” he calls out into the empty room, leaning forward in his sitting position, as if that’ll will HJ to come back and redo everything he just did. 

“I’ll be out in a minute!”

HJ’s voice comes muffled from behind the closed bathroom door, and he makes Seonghwa wait there helplessly for way more than just sixty seconds, but the wait is worth it. 

The bathroom entrance eventually swings open and the light clicks off and HJ struts out wearing a pair of fishnet tights. Just a pair of fishnet tights. 

Smokey eyeshadow and red lip gloss are the only other things that he’s all dolled-up in. 

Seonghwa’s jaw is on the floor. 

“Oh,” he comments stupidly. 

The tights have a wide diamond pattern and HJ’s dick is just barely staying inside the netting. The thin band at the top is cinching him in at his waistline exquisitely. 

Keeping a coquettish distance, HJ hops back up onto the mattress, but stays at the end of the bed. His thighs are puckering out of the skin-tight mesh and Seonghwa wants to squeeze them and drag HJ over to where he’s sitting.

On his knees, with thighs spread and ass seated down, HJ begins moving, rocking on the bed. 

He’s acting. Like a pornstar or something. Seonghwa is just going to go ahead and say it in his head, HJ’s acting like a pornstar. He’s breathy and he’s making rude little whining noises, but discreetly, and he’s running a hand through his hair and furrowing his brow and he’s acting as if he really is riding a cock. 

Seonghwa continues to watch open-mouthed, with bated breath. 

“…Baby could you ride me like that please?” 

HJ looks over his shoulder, keeping his fingertips rooted into the bedcovers, and his eyelashes fanned down towards the apples of his cheeks. 

“…You’re such a good boy, you’re so sweet…. Do people ever tell you that, that you’re a good boy…? Nobody’s ever told me that in my whole life….”

He’s mimicking Seonghwa by keeping his voice low.

He drops his top half down onto the bed. His face is turned towards Seonghwa and he’s running his tongue along his lower lip and his ass is up in the air until he lies flat and starts fucking himself down onto the mattress. 

“… _Seonghwa_ … t-that feels _good_ ….”

Seonghwa, quite literally, cannot wait any longer. 

He unbuttons his pants and tugs his underwear down and starts pumping his wet cock. 

He can’t believe his life. He kissed the boy that he has a crush on, and now he’s watching said boy hump the bed in fishnet hosiery. 

“I really like seeing you touch yourself like that,” HJ rasps. 

Seonghwa exhales, shuddered. “Fuck- p-please HJ come over here so I can touch you please-”

“Just touch me…?”

“So I can fuck you.”

“…You wanna touch me _and_ fuck me…?”

HJ lifts himself up. With his hands splayed in between his legs and knees spread wide, he starts grinding down hard on the mattress. 

“What if I went this deep on you.”

“ _Fuck_ \- baby fuck I’m gonna cum-”

“You’re gonna cum before you’re even inside of me?”

Still in his kneeling position with thighs outspread, HJ sits his ass all the way down and rocks around directly on the mattress at a similar angle, but with his hands planted behind him, his chest jutting out wantonly, throwing his head backwards and moaning at half-strength. 

He swivels his head back around and leaves it tilted as he peers down coyly at the surface below him, working his lip between his teeth.

“…You see now why this show is usually sold out?”

Seonghwa whimpers.

“No, I don’t. Are people masochists? HJ baby come here please I need you-”

Bringing himself up on all fours, HJ turns around, backs up until he’s hovering near Seonghwa’s lap, and proceeds to twerk his ass right in front of Seonghwa.

Seonghwa would really love to scream right about now but being loud is a luxury they can’t afford. So he finds it in himself to suppress every need to vocalize this intense gratification. He grabs onto one of HJ’s asscheeks with his free hand while he jerks himself off more frenetically now.

“HJ _fuck_ \- f-faster- can you move faster baby?”

HJ continues his act, sounding winded and extremely convincing as he’s jiggling his ass around, pretending as if he really is being fucked.

“…Hwa… Hwa… _Hwa_ -”

“ _F-Fuck!_ ”

Seonghwa doesn’t even have time to process how fucking amazing it feels before he bottoms out and cums all over HJ’s ass. Hearing HJ say his name like that really packed a punch. 

Craning his head around to look at Seonghwa, HJ knits his brow and keeps his rosewater lips slightly parted.

Seonghwa still feels locked tight in a nirvana as he sighs deeply and slaps HJ’s ass, rubbing his cum where it landed.

“Oh- my god,” HJ suspires, sounding insecure all of a sudden, “did you actually really like that…?” 

“Um, _yes?_ Where the fuck did these fishnets come from.”

“I’m sorry for teasing you I’m sorry for teasing you….” 

HJ moans these needless little apologies as he’s crawling into Seonghwa’s lap, and Seonghwa revels in how natural it feels when their mouths come together. 

It’s tongue-heavy and kind of wild and HJ’s back is so incredibly smooth like milk and honey and Seonghwa hopes that HJ doesn’t mind if this pair of tights gets destroyed because Seonghwa is hooking his fingers in the openings and tugging on them earnestly.

Seonghwa is given a minute to reclaim his breath when HJ breaks away and leaves red lips all over his face.

If Seonghwa isn’t careful he will drop the L Bomb. He’ll let everybody in this damn hotel know how he maybe actually feels about HJ. 

They hold each other in a calm lull, everything feels languid for a moment. Seonghwa cannot stop kissing HJ’s lips, HJ is making the sweetest sounds and Seonghwa is responding with tiny squeezes to HJ’s ass. 

HJ’s tongue is just as erratic as he is, and as much as Seonghwa has loved nipping at the skin around HJ’s neck and chest, it feels nice simply sticking his tongue down HJ’s throat instead of trying to avoid what he wanted most.

Although he’s relaxed, HJ’s hardness is pressed up against Seonghwa’s abdomen. They’re somewhat out of sync with their arousals now. 

Gradually, HJ begins rubbing his cock on Seonghwa, his lithe body a furnace reheating. 

“ _God_ ….”

His head is lolling as he continues to moan. “… _Cock feels good_ ….”

“What do you want baby?” Seonghwa asks. 

“I- I don’t know-” HJ answers honestly; wound-up. 

Yet again Seonghwa experiences HJ going from knowing exactly what he wants to not having a damn clue. 

Seonghwa reclines carefully, with his pants still pushed down around his thighs and with HJ still swaying in his lap. He releases HJ’s cock from inside the fishnets and grips it with a firm hand. 

Seonghwa’s cock is lying flat on his abdomen and HJ slides his ass around on it while Seonghwa jerks him off. HJ has both hands cupped over his mouth as he’s emphatically mewling at the touch. The reverberations that he’s stifling sound heavenly, they are high-pitched and so pretty. 

HJ has a nice cock, Seonghwa thinks to himself. He’s getting aroused again as he’s stroking HJ, feeling how wet he is, the impact of HJ’s asscheeks pressed around his cock. Seonghwa really wouldn’t mind having it up the ass sometime, if HJ would be down for that. 

Seonghwa continues a steady rhythm around HJ’s length until HJ is struggling to contain his volume, right on the edge of appearing as though he can’t take it anymore. 

“Beautiful can you turn around for me,” Seonghwa requests after he lets go of HJ and glides his hands down both of HJ’s thighs. 

Moaning with an ache and burn, HJ, looking feverish, rotates himself until he’s on all fours again. Seonghwa snatches HJ’s hips and guides him back until his ass is directly in front of Seonghwa’s face. HJ holds still as Seonghwa stretches one of the openings in HJ’s fishnets and spreads HJ’s ass at the same time, so that he has access to flit his tongue at HJ’s entrance. 

HJ cries out with a fractured breath, and he starts moving his ass again like he did during his performance, fucking himself on Seonghwa’s tongue, and Seonghwa puts forth his best effort in order to sufficiently prepare HJ while they’re at it.

“… _Seonghwa, Seonghwa,_ f-fucking _fuck_ -”

When Seonghwa removes his tongue to catch his breath and lick his lips, he sees HJ with a fist around his own cock, his spine arched into the most stunning crescent moon. 

“You gonna tell me what you want now?” Seonghwa asks, not daring to remove either one of his hands from HJ’s body. 

HJ cranes his neck around and yields in search of Seonghwa’s gaze. “W-Will you fuck me, please?”

Seonghwa locates their condoms and lube and gets them situated in a hurry. 

Lounging back, and with HJ still facing away from him, Seonghwa helps HJ sit down on his cock, and he uses HJ’s hips to steer them as he’s driving himself in and out of HJ’s ass. 

“…You fit to me so well… stretching me out so perfectly…,” HJ sighs dizzily.

Consciously trying to stay as quiet as humanly possible, Seonghwa bucks his hips up in rhythm with HJ, who’s now bent over and biting into the bedcovers. He has a wad of the material in his mouth as he moans thoroughly. It’s kind of a weird position, HJ isn’t completely riding Seonghwa, but it’s all very effective as they’re both falling to frangible pieces. 

Seonghwa is just biting down on his bottom lip, and it isn’t doing much good, he’s alert to the instability in his vocals.

“ _Shit_ beautiful you feel so good-”

“…D-Do I feel good and tight around your cock…? Your _big wet_ cock…?”

“…Yeah… gonna- gonna make me cum… you look so pretty in these tights you’re so perfect- I can’t believe how perfect you are, you’re shaped so beautifully….” 

HJ responds with a tearful whine. 

“Can I spank you baby,” Seonghwa asks through gritted teeth. 

HJ moans thickly. “…Yeah… yeah… spank my ass while you’re smashing into me like that-”

Seonghwa feels an entire portion of his mind bid the earth farewell as he’s gasping in a pure gust of satisfaction, and he slaps a heavy yet loving hand across HJ’s ass. 

“ _God_ HJ you’re so beautiful baby- make me feel so good- I wanna be so good to you, take care of you, n-never leave you, fuck you every night like this-”

“Oh _fuck_ Hwa…!”

HJ slams his face back down into the sheets right as he skids hard into climax. Seonghwa lifts HJ’s ass off of his cock a few moments later after his eyes are rolling in the back of his head a little bit, his complete psyche fizzled with the most satiated throbbing in the wake of a full-blown blaze. 

Seonghwa’s legs move of their own accord, and he lifts himself up, navigating himself until he’s lying down partially on top of HJ, who’s now sprawled out on his tummy. Seonghwa kisses HJ’s shoulder and the back of his neck. 

“… _Seonghwa_ … _thank you_ ….”

HJ’s voice is paper swept up in the wind, a hand-written poem that Seonghwa isn’t deft enough to catch before it blows away. 

They eventually rise, and Seonghwa removes their condoms for a fairly easy clean-up, but they’re both far too fatigued to shower. 

Seonghwa finally strips his clothes, and HJ pulls off his fishnets and loosely throws them across the room. 

It’s only downy murmuring and addicted sighs for the remainder of the evening, but it all kind of fades away too fast.

The last thing Seonghwa is aware of, before he slips off into a forgettable dream, is that he’s spooning HJ in bed, who’s very cozy and warm and already sound asleep.

Exhaustion beats them both at their own game. It felt like they had walked nearly fifty miles today, but somehow, fifty miles together didn’t really feel like that gruesome of a journey. 

()()()()()()()()

Seonghwa cracks the window open for some morning air, and he and HJ are met with an orchestration of bird calls and zippy traffic.

The two of them sit propped up naked in bed, eating instant ramen for breakfast. 

“Do you go to school or have a job,” HJ asks in between inhaling his noodles. 

“Um, yeah,” Seonghwa replies with his mouth full, “I’m studying interior design, and I work sometimes… at a bookstore near campus, we sell art supplies and stuff and sometimes I work the cafe upstairs.”

“Oh so you’re an artist too.”

“Hardly.”

Seonghwa catches himself eyeing the miniature ponytail tied at the top of HJ’s head. 

“You mentioned designing costumes…,” Seonghwa says, very cautiously, because when HJ talked about it during their outing with San and Wooyoung, it appeared to have brought back some sensitive memories. 

“Yeah I’m into anything creative really. Painting, drawing, sewing, I even tried to write a song one time.”

HJ slurps the soup at the bottom of his bowl, seemingly unbothered. 

“That’s amazing,” Seonghwa says. “I wanna see more of your work. Maybe you could design a tattoo for me someday, maybe we could design something together someday.”

Their bare legs rub against each other under the bedcovers, and HJ peeks at Seonghwa out of the corner of his eye with the purest shade of pink freckling his face. 

“Hey would you ever write a song for me someday?” Seonghwa asks, lighthearted, tangling their legs together more intricately. 

HJ pouts and leans away in a teasing manner. 

“Not if you keep being so annoying….”

Seonghwa grins. 

“Oh is that what we’re calling it now? Not charming…? Or enchanting…?”

Tipping right back in, Seonghwa trails his mouth along HJ’s neck.

“ _Seonghwa_ ,” HJ gripes, but he’s all bark and not a single bite. 

Seonghwa kisses his way up to HJ’s lips, and he feels HJ melt where they meet. He lets his chopsticks fall out of his hand into the empty bowl in his lap. 

Seonghwa opens his eyes, just enough to sneak a look at HJ and how focused he is, how pretty his eyelashes are when his eyes are closed. 

“…I’m probably gonna be in _loads_ of trouble…,” HJ sighs, peeling their lips apart, his voice light as he’s rubbing a thumb on Seonghwa’s cheek. “I just kinda left without letting my school know that I’d be gone….”

“Oh.”

Seonghwa knows that he shouldn’t be even remotely glad about someone else’s struggle. That’s just plain shitty. 

And not to say that still being in school is necessarily something that all people would consider to be a struggle. That’s just how Seonghwa personally views it. 

But hearing someone the same age as him say that they’re taking a break from school too has Seonghwa feeling the most alleviated and reassured he has in a long time. Seonghwa isn’t alone. 

But maybe HJ has bigger problems than academics.

Seonghwa pecks at HJ’s lips once more before collecting their trash and temporarily stashing it in a pile on the bedside table. He pulls the covers up around them more as they snuggle back together, reclaiming the same positions they found each other in upon waking earlier. 

“Um, is anyone gonna file a missing persons report on you or whatever?” Seonghwa wonders aloud. “People back home do know that you’re here visiting Wooyoung, right?”

Seonghwa hears the door click, which he finds strange because why would the door be opening, and then his sister walks into view. 

Seung-yeon is in the room, she’s standing there.

Her eyes are saucers. 

It’s sickeningly silent.

Seonghwa doesn’t remember it happening but both he and HJ are now sitting straight up in bed again, as if jolted awake by a nightmare. 

The three of them simply stare. 

“How’d you get in here,” Seonghwa mutters blankly. 

Seung-yeon’s voice is barely there. 

“M-Mom, and dad, they gave me the spare room key- told me to come fetch you.”

His parents requested another key for his room? A copy of his room key for them to have. Seonghwa lets this information sink in. 

Seonghwa can hear their footsteps and their neighboring door shut before he sees them. 

His parents walk right in, looking ready to take off for the day. 

Seonghwa’s mother stops in her tracks, startled, and then she shudders, and her purse slips off of her shoulder.

She starts sobbing before it even hits the floor; she’s wailing and yelling, punctually.

Seonghwa’s first instinct is to grab HJ, pull him close, and cover his ears. He’s already trembling. 

Seonghwa doesn’t know why he’s undergoing a strange sense of calm. Maybe he’s in shock. 

The ringing in his ears is really loud all of a sudden, but he definitely hears his mother tell him to leave.

“It’s my room you can’t tell me to leave,” he says. His voice box feels empty.

Seonghwa’s mother is shaking now, wholly crying, her face has actually gone pale and she appears as though she’s going to lose consciousness. 

“…We helped you pay for this room… you _ungrateful_ child… _filthy_ Seonghwa this is- this is filthy and _vile_ -”

She’s screaming more insults and Seonghwa feels like he should be crying right along with her at this point and he wonders why he isn’t. 

Seizing her breath gracelessly at the end of a callous string of words, she shrieks. 

“…Now _leave!_ ”

Seonghwa gulps, his throat is unbelievably dry. 

“No you need to leave.” 

He can’t believe that he’s talking back to his mother like this. 

And it only seems to fuel her fury. She’s yowling some especially brutal slurs now. 

HJ layers his hands on top of Seonghwa’s, as if to keep them there in place over his ears. Seonghwa is afraid to look at HJ’s expression. He’s terrified that HJ is panicking really badly right now. Seonghwa isn’t the only one with a ruthless mother. This information lodged itself in Seonghwa’s subconscious ever since HJ shared it with him. 

Seonghwa keeps his eyes fixed on the outrage standing before him. 

“You didn’t need to help pay, I have the money.”

His mother huffs, looking up towards the ceiling for guidance, her eye makeup running down her face. 

“No you don’t! We know you haven’t been working as much! Something is very wrong with you Seonghwa, and now- now you’re getting involved with the wrong crowd!”

His father hasn’t spoken a single syllable, and Seonghwa knows that he won’t and that he doesn’t need to because his mother is saying everything on behalf of the both of them.

Seonghwa feels something snap inside his chest. His heart skips a few beats and resumes harshly, trying to run with worthless knees. 

And he finally discerns the stinging behind his eyes, just the ghost of a broken-hearted vehemence. 

“I didn’t even want to fucking be here! Why do you want me around when you hate me so fucking much? I can just barely stand being around you guys… it’s agonizing… I’m not some sort of a monster… you guys are narrow-minded, shitty people!”

Seonghwa all but fails to find his breath, and he watches his mother flounder out of the room with a wretched cry. 

His father actually shows some emotion in this fleeting farewell, his face is reddened in anger, and he spits on the floor before he turns away and follows his wife. 

Seonghwa’s sister remains standing at the end of the bed, cowering in an unreadable sort of distress. 

“I’m so sorry…,” she whispers, and Seonghwa meets her teary gaze.

“No you fucking aren’t.”

Seung-yeon breaks out into a sob and flees from the room. 

Exhaling painfully, Seonghwa’s hands fall away from HJ’s ears, and he brings them up to cover his own face. 

Part of him wants to withdraw, part of him wants to throw away all of his stuff and take up a new name and move to a foreign country. 

But he goes along with the part of his soul that wants nothing more than to hold HJ and never let him go. 

Seonghwa cradles HJ in his arms, and buries his face in HJ’s hair. And HJ’s arms wrap around Seonghwa’s waist in the softest of silences. He doesn’t speak, and he doesn’t seem to be crying.

Seonghwa makes a decision not to cry. 

()()()()()()()()

They’re a pair of runaways, misfits two of a kind, and they don’t say anything for the rest of the morning, other than Seonghwa helping HJ with some breathing exercises before they slouched out of bed and packed up their stuff. 

They don’t really acknowledge reality until they’re sitting at a bench on the grounds of Sensō-ji Temple with their suitcases. 

HJ has been acting incredibly guilty and it’s killing Seonghwa more with each passing minute. 

Seonghwa swings his backpack off of his shoulders and sets it down on the ground by the rest of their bags.

There are tons of people out, and for good reason, the weather is gorgeous, but everything feels really windswept to Seonghwa. He looks around aimlessly, and explorers keep walking by, and he wonders how their day has been going so far.

“Wanna look for a different hotel around here, or one closer to Shinjuku maybe?” he mumbles, fishing his phone out of his pocket. 

He’s suddenly very aware that HJ is looking at him. 

“You… you want me to stay?”

Seonghwa turns to meet HJ’s weary countenance, and they stare at each other. 

“You can go back to Wooyoung’s place if you want, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to assume-”

“No,” HJ urges weakly, “I- I… do you want me to go back to Wooyoung’s?”

Wetting his lips, Seonghwa scans HJ’s bare face. 

“No, not at all.” 

HJ realigns his focus down at his hands. 

“You heard of Ginza?”

They lug their belongings onto a busy train and head twenty minutes south after booking a suite at the Four Seasons Hotel in Ginza. 

Apparently it’s a luxury 5-star hotel, one of the best options in the area according to the results in their search.

HJ insists on paying for his share, so they agreed to split the price and book at a nicer place for the hell of it. Both of their journeys in Tokyo are coming to a close anyway; they only have a handful of nights left to pay for. 

Seonghwa and HJ stride into the grandeur of the hotel’s entrance feeling wounded but fancy as fuck.

There’s a water fountain in the lobby and a grand piano at the lounge and Seonghwa can see his reflection in the marble flooring on the elevator. 

The bellman escorts them up to their room and assists them in loading their things off of the trolley.

There’s a king-size bed and a jacuzzi-style bathtub and fancy dimmer light switches. 

After they get situated, they both take large swigs from the suite’s complimentary mini bottle of sparkling sake, and then they make out on the bed.

Seonghwa kisses HJ as if it’s their last day together, and the sensation is good, having HJ underneath him, like maybe they won’t fall as hard, if they have each other as a foundation. 

HJ is moaning and Seonghwa swears that the now-familiar sound is becoming addictive. 

“… _My sweet Seonghwa_ ….”

My? His? What’s that supposed to mean. Seonghwa is afraid to ask.

Seonghwa kisses HJ feather-light now, and nuzzles at his nose, and HJ looks up at him through spellbound eyelids as he speaks. 

“Wanna go out to the club?”

They take their time getting dressed. They put on makeup together in the bathroom and HJ plays music. 

Seonghwa is just floating through the late afternoon at this point. He feels bad for dissociating, but he really can’t help it, and HJ doesn’t seem to mind. HJ seems to understand. 

Heedfully, HJ turns Seonghwa’s body so that they’re facing each other, and up on his tiptoes, he applies glitter underneath Seonghwa’s eyes. 

They share in their habitual silence that only seems to become more confident and true. They communicate with their eyes, and with their touch. 

They go to different bars and clubs in Ni-Chome, they don’t return to the place where sparks first flew between them. 

None of the features in these places impact Seonghwa. All he’s focused on is how interesting it is that HJ isn’t pursuing anyone. Seonghwa hasn’t witnessed HJ look at another guy ever since knowing him.

He watches HJ dance, he dances with HJ for a bit, he watches HJ sparkle in the shadows when he gives the cold shoulder to a few guys who approach him. 

Seonghwa kind of really wants to get drunk off his ass after all that happened today, but he knows that it won’t be a good way to cope, and that it won’t fix his family issues.

He drinks just enough to feel numb enough. 

And it’s as if the escape and the high were never meant to last more than a nanosecond. Before long, Seonghwa’s depression hits him like a meteorite. 

HJ is perceptive to this, and Seonghwa is grateful when HJ is the one to tenderly suggest that they call it a night and go back to their room, when Seonghwa can’t find it in himself to utter a word.

Seonghwa is ashamed that his walls are eroding, he’s embarrassed to break down in front of someone, especially this someone. 

And HJ is noticing it all, his forehead is creased in concern the entire way back to the hotel, where they sink down onto the end of their spotless bed in a nagging tipsiness. 

“Hwa, I’m-”

“Don’t. Don’t you dare fucking say it,” Seonghwa interjects flatly. 

HJ squirms, uneasy, and he leans closer into Seonghwa’s side, placing a small hand on Seonghwa’s thigh. 

“Please… let me apologize, Seonghwa… I’m so sorry… I’m so sorry… are you okay?”

“Do not be sorry. And I’m fucking fine,” Seonghwa grumbles. 

“No you’re not.”

“I’m going to be fine.”

“I’m worried about you…,” HJ says quietly. 

Seonghwa glances at him.

“I’m worried about _you_ because- because you’re acting all guilty and stuff. This is absolutely not your fault. It’s not even my fault and I’m trying to remind myself that.” 

“It’s _definitely_ not your fault Hwa. You literally have done nothing wrong. I’m so sorry that… that it has to be this way, with them.” 

Seonghwa sighs markedly. He greatly cherishes HJ. Simply everything about him. His presence. What would Seonghwa do if HJ would’ve ran off by now. 

“Don’t be sorry and just let me hold you….”

And he does just that, holding HJ around his narrow waist, kissing sloppily at his neck. HJ crawls into Seonghwa’s lap and Seonghwa is pretty excited that they don’t have to be quiet at this new accommodation. 

“Wanna fuck you raw,” he whispers on HJ’s ear. 

“Um…,” HJ falters after a moment, “t-that’s maybe not the best idea….”

HJ is fixated down towards their thighs. He won’t look at Seonghwa. 

Seonghwa tilts HJ’s chin up with gentle fingers. 

“It wasn’t- I haven’t- it wasn’t anything recent I promise you,” HJ says. 

“Like how long ago?” Seonghwa asks, just above a whisper. 

“Um, I don’t want to say….”

A minute of soundlessness drifts by. 

“It wasn’t recent,” HJ avows, “I just don’t know how these things work, I don’t know if it’s safe….”

Seonghwa is experiencing a major conflict of feelings; someone twisting the knife in his gut. 

Of course this boy is no virgin saint. Seonghwa assumed that from the start. And HJ isn’t… he doesn’t belong to Seonghwa.

Seonghwa pulls HJ in for an affectionate kiss. He would feel awful if either one of their health was jeopardized. The way HJ kisses him back… it’s comforting. Seonghwa finds it amazing that HJ is powerful enough to make him feel comforted amidst such terrible levels of pain. 

After kissing recklessly and nearly bringing each other to ruin fully clothed, Seonghwa ends up preparing HJ, and he utilizes their protection and lubricant. 

Wordlessly, HJ supports himself on all fours and lowers his top half down to the mattress, and Seonghwa claims a flawless grasp on HJ’s hips from behind.

“Spank me. Be rough. You can let your anger out on me,” HJ says, panting slightly, and Seonghwa frowns deeply at this inside their dusky refuge. 

“HJ-”

“I’m giving you permission,” HJ asserts. “Be. Rough.”

Seonghwa is rough with HJ, but not in anger. He will never push his anger onto another human being, he will never lash out in anger at anyone. Today was his first time doing that, to his parents. He didn’t like how it felt. 

HJ is loud. Everything he moans is beautiful and encouraging fervor, and their frantic fire makes Seonghwa cum hard and fast. 

And when they’re both finished, Seonghwa cries.

He’s rubbing defenselessly at his eyes before he even has time to begin cleaning the both of them up, before he can check on HJ and kiss him and dote on him and make sure that he’s alright. And Seonghwa despises himself for this.

It’s ugly crying, it’s sore and sniffly and far overdue. 

This sucks and it hurts and everything is entirely out of Seonghwa’s control but maybe it’s finally the beginning of something new. 

HJ is the one holding Seonghwa this time, without pause, wrapping as much of himself around Seonghwa as he can. HJ is so warm, and his weight is solace at its finest, his skin smells nice and just HJ’s breathing in his ear is all Seonghwa needs to keep moving forward. 

HJ plays with Seonghwa’s inky hair; the lines on his other hand, the swirls on his fingertips, stroking like artwork carved from ice on Seonghwa’s firestone cheek.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> u guys ready for a different character pov next chapter? 👀
> 
> I WANNA THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH for your patience and for encouraging me to take my time with the remainder of this story!! 😭❤️ I have an excruciatingly difficult time breaking out of routines that bring me comfort!! hearing how chill you guys were in the comments rlly reassured me and I ended up having a lot of fun spending more time on this chapter 💖💖 I don’t think you guys realize just how much your kindness helps me 🥺🌟
> 
> also fun fact- seonghwa’s parents in this are my mom & step-dad 🙃 they’ve done so much for me I can’t even be that mad tho. it’s just uncomfortable sometimes still living with them! kinda personal, but I just thought I should share that, because if you can relate at all, if you feel misunderstood by ANYBODY, I want you to know that I feel u and I am here for you!!! I’m on your side ❤️❤️❤️
> 
> thank you for reading this and for your ongoing awesomeness I appreciate you all a whole lot 🥰 see u next time!! 💕💕
> 
> ()()()()()()()()
> 
> chapter title inspo: “Stella” - Fling Posse (Hypnosis Mic) // “XXX 88” - MØ feat. Diplo 
> 
> tokyo runaways playlist: 🏮 [here](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLsenJSIypLnyfjjq8b_sdbOM4fFaLTBI2) 🏮
> 
> ()()()()()()()()
> 
> twitter: hj_pan_cake


	6. silver droplets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ⭐️  
> TW / CW in this chapter:
> 
> ok it’s time for me to apologize for not having these in the fic tags!!! I didn’t tag them because I didn’t want them to be spoilers :’) please forgive me, friends ❤️
> 
> this potentially sensitive stuff is concise and not super detailed within the chapter, but still, please tread carefully if you think you might be triggered or uncomfortable. I CARE YOU ❤️ please do what’s right for you!!! 
> 
> background!abusive relationship (emotional/sexual) (no violence)  
> background!cheating  
> cheating (?) (depending on your personal interpretation)  
> mention of a family member passing away 
> 
> 👆 those are all kind of towards the beginning of the chapter
> 
> there’s also smut (before the page break) 
> 
> !! no archive warnings apply !!
> 
> if you need to skip/skim through the material, but if you are still just as curious as seonghwa has been, there will be a short summary of HJ’s story in the end notes ❤️  
> ⭐️
> 
> no matter what your story has been like, it will have some really happy, triumphant, and rewarding chapters, eventually, in their perfect timing, and they will eclipse the bad stuff and give you a lot of strength, a lot of peaceful memories, i rlly do believe that, and i believe in you ❤️❤️❤️

At first, it was because Seonghwa is pretty. 

Who the fuck gave him permission to roam around Tokyo looking like that. Who let him loose. He was a platinum-blonde fairy with painted-on black pleather pants. A cherry blossom in bloom with pink petal lips.

He’s Korean, which has been both easing and troubling at the same time. HJ has a lot of conflicting thoughts about home.

Then, it was the way Seonghwa held HJ in his arms. 

And then it was because he reached out to HJ, when he could’ve easily chosen not to. 

And then Seonghwa fucked HJ balls-deep and still didn’t leave afterwards. 

Seonghwa has a lovely heart and a lovely aura. He is kind-spirited and charming, like a prince. 

He took HJ to see the sunset at the beach and HJ feels messy, he feels himself slipping, he’s beyond slipping at this point. He has a weak arm but he tried throwing the key to his heart as far away as he could, deep into the ocean, but Seonghwa has been steadfast on voyaging out to find it. HJ has failed miserably at acting indifferent and expressionless enough. He has done everything that he’s not allowed to do and it feels like skydiving with a puncture in his parachute. 

Seonghwa won that Minion plushie in the crane machine and gave it to HJ, too. That was a direct attack. How was HJ supposed to withstand that. 

Now there’s something so familiar about Seonghwa, even though HJ has certainly never known anybody like him before. 

HJ awakens early to a cold daybreak, and he slides out of bed to go cry in the bathroom.

He wiggles into one of Seonghwa’s shirts, the hem grazing his knees. He tugs on a pair of underwear too, because he plans to sit on the toilet lid and knows that his bum will be cold if he doesn’t. 

HJ doesn’t like wearing underwear, and he doesn’t unless he has to. It feels weird on his skin, fabric doesn’t feel right on his body. So he strives to dress in fun and original ways, to make the discomfort worthwhile. 

Their new hotel room is roomy, and HJ pads quietly through the space and closes the bathroom door behind him.

He’s already sobbing. He is broken. 

How do you keep walking when such a chasmic grief follows you, resembling the haunted breath of an old pipe organ. The sun is out, there’s a wind through the trees. Even the flowers know how to smile. Why do you keep loving, when love has only ever wounded you. Why do you keep reaching out for his face, anxious to cope and burrow in the mild reflection of his eyes, when there’s nothing abundant that you could possibly give back. Ever.

HJ thinks about this. How to keep moving on. Is life leading anywhere. Is there anything else left to sing about. Seonghwa came along and made him think that maybe life does sail forward.

When HJ looks back to his childhood in search for who he might be, he finds it rather alarming and strange, that the person leaping in his memories doesn’t feel like himself. It does not feel like that person was him, or like he was that person. There’s just a boy trapped in a glass box that HJ watches from a limited third-person point of view. 

Seonghwa will most likely be really hungry when he wakes up and excited to eat a big breakfast because they fell asleep last night before he could have his midnight snack.

He eats so much, and he eats happily. HJ doesn’t know where he puts it all. Seonghwa’s body is very gorgeous and comfy; it must be all of the nourishment he gives it. HJ likes how Seonghwa’s body feels on his.

HJ’s bawling persists, his throat is raw and he’s developing a nasty headache. New daydreams and fears are spurring on fresh waves of tears with every passing moment. 

It’s a while later when HJ is sniveling wretchedly, that he hears a faint knocking on the door. He’s holding onto himself, bent forward with his forehead on his knees.

HJ is kind of afraid to move. Maybe if he stays in here, time will stop.

“…Is everything okay? Can I come in…?”

Seonghwa’s treacly voice sifts in through the barrier separating them. HJ doesn’t catch everything he says. 

“I don’t know,” HJ responds, and he winces at how fragile and fucked-up he sounds. 

“Oh my god- HJ are you okay? Can I please come in, please, please be okay-”

“I’m- I t-think you can c-come in….”

The door handle pivots and Seonghwa peeks his head in. He appears distressed, flustered. His hair is a bird’s nest and he’s shirtless, but he threw on a pair of sweatpants.

The concern on his face worsens when he sees that HJ has been crying severely. HJ turns his head away and peers at nothing in particular.

“HJ….”

Seonghwa steps inside and immediately grabs a tissue. He leans downs and dabs gently at HJ’s face, which only fosters more tears. 

“I hate myself…,” HJ whispers, his breath a rigid shuddering. 

Seonghwa pauses. 

“Is- is this about… is this about your body, baby? Are you… what- what can I do to help.”

HJ wishes that this was just about his body. 

Seonghwa is so sweet. 

Seonghwa could be HJ’s savior. 

Seonghwa deserves the truth. 

“…No I’m just really scared because my tourist visa expires in three days….” 

“Oh…,” Seonghwa responds with a glum exhale. “Yeah I’m- I’m sure it’s gotten to feel comfortable for you here, after several months of being here… but you can always come back, right?” 

“No no no it’s not that,” HJ howls, he cannot disguise the panic in his vocals. 

“Hey- HJ- breathe, it’s okay, take a deep breath-” 

HJ bypasses Seonghwa’s tender guidance. 

“I need to leave in three days and I don’t even know where I’m going next,” he says, and he wrings his hands together to keep them from shaking. 

“Aren’t you… aren’t you going back home?”

“ _No._ I’m not going back there,” HJ asserts. “I’m gonna keep traveling until my money runs out.”

Something dark comes over Seonghwa’s face; a serious worry, a worry that maybe he can’t suppress any longer. 

“HJ… what is it about home that’s bothering you… I don’t- I don’t fucking like this… I swear to god if someone is- is making you uncomfortable or something-”

“I ran away from home…,” HJ cuts in, and a very hushed sincerity writhes past this injury. “…I… I live with my boyfriend.”

Seonghwa’s jaw drops.

HJ was trying to avoid this moment at all costs.

He sought to veer them off course, struggled to rip up all of their maps leading to this. 

HJ stops crying for a moment, and swallows back his tears. He peeks up at Seonghwa through sodden eyes, expecting to witness anger, but Seonghwa’s reaction is unfathomable, at least so far. 

HJ’s chest convulses under a deep breath. 

“M-My boyfriend has been stealing my money… it didn’t bother me too m-much at first but he- he always needs money, he probably uses it for things I don’t know about? I don’t- I don’t know, he kind of controls me a lot… h-he’s threatening about stuff, and I know that he cheats on me, but it still h-hurts really bad every time I find out… but when I try to confront him, he acts like it’s- like it’s no big deal….”

HJ already despises how this explanation sounds. He doesn’t want to sound like such a victim. He has no right to weep over being cheated on, when he became unfaithful himself. 

Seonghwa is still standing alongside where HJ is perched on the lid of the toilet, his eyes slightly widened, face reddened in revelation. 

“…I switched banks, and ran away, because I was terrified of how he’d react,” HJ continues quietly. 

“HJ….”

Wrapping his arms around himself tighter, HJ stares straight forward at the tiled wall, churning in different tinges of pale gold, greys, and eggshell-white. 

“…Two years ago, my father passed away… he drank a lot and his health was not good… and then my m-mother disowned me, and told me that all of the things that are wrong with me is what killed my father. He never wanted to be close to me… he thought I was strange…. I moved in w-with my boyfriend, Chul, he worked for the florist that was hired for Appa’s f-funeral… I think he knew somehow that I was the child of the person who passed away, and- and I think he knew that I would be receiving money.” 

Seonghwa just seems to be processing this information, he’s listening, and holding very still. The goosebumps cropping up all over HJ’s skin almost make him forget about the horrible pressure gnawing in the back of his skull. 

“At the ceremony… I wore hanbok, and many people came and bowed at me. There were lots of pretty flowers. There were chrysanthemums, orchids, crimson roses… lily of the valley, too, and they looked like little wedding bells.”

“…Chul was there with the flowers, and he was looking at me….”

“I went home with him that night. That was maybe the worst mistake of my life.”

Seonghwa gulps after an uncountable minute or two, and wets his lips. There’s now a crease in his brow, and he speaks cautiously. 

“HJ… have you… seeked help, for any of this…?”

An unwelcome and abrupt sensation of fire prickles across HJ’s entire being. 

“I’m not the one who needs help! My boyfriend does!”

“Fuck, I could use some professional help, too! We can’t just run away for the rest of our lives!” Seonghwa retorts; frustrated, hurt. He’s definitely hurt. 

“Do you not want me? Do you not want me until I’m fixed?” HJ cries. 

Seonghwa sucks in a huge breath, he’s on the brink of tears. 

“You still consider him your boyfriend?”

HJ’s lower lip quivers. “You’re not my boyfriend either, Hwa.”

“Do you- do you want me to be…?” Seonghwa utters. “What am I to you…? Have you been using me this whole time? You been fucking using me to get revenge on your shitty boyfriend?”

HJ’s heart freefalls, and the desolation in his expression has Seonghwa instantly appearing as though he’s regretful for what he just said. 

“I haven’t- you- you’re the only person I’ve fucked around with since I landed in Japan,” HJ chokes out. 

“What?” 

Seonghwa looks rather surprised, but there’s a trace of relief bathing in the reservoir of his eyes. 

“Do you know how fucking frightened I am of him? I saw you that night, and when I heard your voice, I caved. And then you ended up being the answer to everything I’ve ever needed, what was I supposed to do? I’ve been cheating on him with you, he will kill me, I’ve never cheated ever in my life until n-now, even though he cheats on m-me all the time… and he d-doesn’t love me… he doesn’t love me… my mother doesn’t love me either… I don’t know what I did wrong….”

HJ can’t stand himself. He’s rubbing at his eyes furiously as these relentless teardrops continue to arrest him. Why hasn’t Seonghwa left him by now. Seonghwa is being so quiet now, HJ is scared. He has no more energy left at his disposal, nothing left to breathe into this hopeless interlude. Where did that buoyancy go from the other night at the oceanside. HJ is grief-stricken, his voice comes out small and detached. 

“…Chul tries to cover my mouth when we fuck… and he can be really careless how he does it… it’s not as easy to breathe…. If he’s drunk when he’s fucking m-me, he tells me I’m too noisy, I’m too loud, he says it d-doesn’t turn him on very much when I talk… but then he tells me I’m too shy, so I try not to be… I get so confused.”

“I don’t want to go home,” HJ concludes with a sob. He’s chipped nail polish and swollen eyes. 

Seonghwa, quite suddenly, falls to his knees on the bathroom floor, his body limp with devastation. He stares at HJ with mouth open, and he cries.

“…Holy fuck… holy fuck… HJ I’m so… I’m so… sorry….”

He’s shaking his head in disbelief, in sorrow, tears are cascading down his cheekbones, and they look like they burn. 

“Who is he… I’ll- I’ll-”

“Hwa no I don’t want you to get involved, I’d never want you to encounter him, he’s like- twice your size and volatile, and he’s like ten years older than us.”

Seonghwa’s mouth drops open yet again. 

“I’m going to deal with him on my own, but not really, I’m going to keep running away, but-”

“God, HJ, god this is- did he ever… does he… has he ever-”

“It’s not like that, no,” HJ quavers, “it’s… he has always had my consent, every single fucking time it’s just… it was never really pleasant, but it was sex. So I took it, you know? God, f-fuck, I’m fucking disgusting….”

Seonghwa’s eyelids flutter right through his ongoing teariness. 

“You’re not disgusting, you’re not disgusting HJ- he had your consent?”

“Yes, yes, he has had my consent. He is- he was my boyfriend and I d-did love him, at first….”

Together, they take in sizable breaths with brittle grasps. Both of their noses are red.

“Okay. I’m- I’m sorry, you don’t have to answer anything about… us. Or… I don’t know… I’m sorry for being selfish, you don’t need to have answers right now or- or to even know how you feel. I’m sorry for suggesting things that you may not want or may not be ready for,” Seonghwa says. 

A sad little noise fights past the constriction and clambers its way up HJ’s throat.

“Of course I want you… you and only you… Seonghwa… what if we lived happily ever after?”

HJ’s anguish is restored. It’s a throbbing cry.

“You called me b-beautiful… I couldn’t believe it…,” he whimpers. “G-God I’m sorry… I’m s-sorry about- about all of this… you’re the only person I’ve told other than Woo….”

Seonghwa wipes the back of his hand across his rubescent face. “Your- um… this- this motherfucker hasn’t tried to contact you, has he?” 

“No, I got a new phone number before I ran away, too.” 

“Okay, good.” 

HJ sighs miserably. He feels empty with all of that off his chest. He’s drained, hollow in the same way as papier-mâché dried on a deflated balloon. He looks down at his toenails that are painted the shade of periwinkle that Seonghwa likes. 

“…He’s- h-he’s always like… Hongjoong are you home…? Be an angel and go buy me something nice to drink… Hongjoong… where- where are you h-hiding the credit card this time….”

Seonghwa tilts his chin up slowly from his own downcast gaze, and his face is shining, it’s twinkling in a teary-eyed wonderment.

“…Hongjoong?”

“Yeah, that’s me,” Hongjoong sniffles. 

The sound that escapes Seonghwa is in the manner of him having just discovered a secret, ineffable garden. It’s the flit of a bird being freed from its bronze cage, it’s a hushed remark; it’s freshly fallen snow on the still earth, which is Hongjoong’s favorite thing. 

“…Hongjoong… Hongjoong it’s- perfect. It’s cute. It’s warm, it’s a beautiful name. It’s so beautiful and it suits you,” Seonghwa recites, breathless. 

Hongjoong feels something wild flailing in his chest.

“I literally can not handle you right now,” he blurts. 

Blushing, Hongjoong reaches reflexively for a spare toilet paper roll and chucks it at Seonghwa and it bounces off his shoulder.

“I’m so sorry- do you not want me to say your name…?” Seonghwa asks with puppy dog eyes and eyebrows knit together. 

“…N-No… you- you can… if you want….”

“Hongjoong.”

Shivers blossom and multiply across every part of Hongjoong’s body. 

They stare at each other, and Hongjoong can almost see just how fast Seonghwa’s heart is beating. 

Seonghwa is still down on his knees, crumpled there on the floor, but he’s careening up and leaning forward, about to kiss Hongjoong’s lips, and Hongjoong is about to let him, but then Seonghwa draws back, appearing unsure. 

“Hongjoong, we could go home together.” 

Seonghwa’s voice is so smooth, so serene, so sure. It’s similar to a frame around a portrait, kindred to a vision of what a family would maybe be like. 

Is this invitation an image of forgiveness? 

This panics Hongjoong even more. 

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I don’t wanna drag you down with my mess, I’m a fucking mess, and you deserve better-”

“But Hongjoong I-”

“I don’t know what home is, nowhere I’ve been ever feels like home, I don’t belong anywhere-”

Hongjoong pops up from his spot, pushes past Seonghwa, and bolts through their suite’s door. He runs off, he literally _needs_ to flee.

There’s a roaring in his ears when he finds himself down the empty hallway, and it grows almost deafening while he waits for the elevator that opens promptly, and luckily there’s no one inside. 

Hongjoong is met with a bitter silence when the elevator kicks him out, there’s nothing but classical music playing eerily and elegantly in the hotel lobby, and his little feet slapping the marble flooring. 

He’s outside, and he sees a forest of umbrellas, frenetic windshield wipers on shiny black taxis, he sees the color red everywhere. The rain has no mercy and it drenches him before his legs can bring him out to the sidewalk. 

“ _Hongjoong! Hongjoong!_ ”

Seonghwa must’ve taken the stairs instead of waiting for the elevator because he’s already here, and he’s out of breath much like Hongjoong is, as though he sprinted. 

There’s a blameless hand around Hongjoong’s upper arm, and Seonghwa spins him around, and kisses him wholly. 

It’s a wistful, harsh, hopeful kiss, all at once. 

If lightning strikes them down, so be it. Hongjoong is evaporating above the typhoon, he’s on some sort of nurturing sphere that could never exist down here on land. Seonghwa always manages to feel light and airy, his physique is feathery, but in this moment, his arms, his chest, his presence is so stark. He’s holding Hongjoong together, patching him up. Hongjoong will not slip out of Seonghwa’s grasp, he won’t be the prodigal sand in their hourglass.

When they break apart, they’re both shocked, panting as the rain is pelting them and soaking them to the bone. Hongjoong can scarcely see past the silver droplets stuck to his eyelashes, bleeding down his flushed face. 

Seonghwa’s arms remain swaddled around Hongjoong as they both catch their breath unavailingly and gaze at each other in a heartsick longing. 

Suddenly mindful of their surroundings, Seonghwa pulls Hongjoong aside, because they were literally swapping spit sensually in the middle of the sidewalk, Japanese salarymen dodging them with bobbing umbrellas in hand. 

They end up beneath the canopy of a ginkgo tree.

The rain is disorientated amid the tears on Seonghwa’s honeyed skin. He looks positively crushed; he looks bygone, unarmed, torn apart. He says _please don’t leave me._

  
  


“ _It hurts… it hurts… it hurts… it hurts_ ….”

  
  


Hongjoong’s face is buried in Seonghwa’s chest and he’s only partly aware that he’s babbling sadly. 

“Hongjoong, s-sweet baby, I’m so sorry you’ve been hurt I’m so, so fucking sorry, I want to take it all away from you, I’ll never fucking forgive him he’s not going to fucking get away with this, I’ll protect you, I’ll protect you….” 

Hongjoong sniffles and peers up at Seonghwa’s warm face. Seonghwa is warmth, and safety. 

“I don’t have a dream. Or a goal. I feel held back because I grew up hating who I am,” Seonghwa says quietly. “And the goals that were assigned to me, I can’t feel passionate about. I haven’t been going to school, I call in sick at work all the time, I don’t feel motivated, I have no purpose.”

Hongjoong gulps, and blinks back more tears. He hopes that Seonghwa doesn’t feel bad about any of these things. Hongjoong wants to tell him that he doesn’t have to feel bad, it’s okay to be unmotivated and stuck.

“I have a dream now, to make sure you’re safe… you make me want to do better. To be better,” Seonghwa continues. “You don’t have to do this alone.” 

“I- I f-feel so, so alone…,” Hongjoong whispers. 

“You’re not anymore, you don’t have to be anymore, if you’ll let me take care of you.”

Hongjoong’s exhale is strung together by miniature tremors, and he nestles the side of his face onto Seonghwa’s chest, where he can hear Seonghwa’s runaway heartbeat, and the deep reverberations of his beautiful voice.

“I don’t know if I’m at a place yet where I can do things for myself, because I don’t feel deserving, I don’t feel like I deserve it. But you deserve the world, H-Hongjoong, for you, I would do anything.”

Hongjoong peeks up at him once more, his arms wedged between his own body and Seonghwa’s abs. 

“Seonghwa….” 

“I’ll go anywhere with you next. It doesn’t have to be home,” Seonghwa says feebly, and he rubs his thumb measuredly at Hongjoong’s temple, his fingers on that hand combed through Hongjoong’s wet hair. 

Hongjoong’s lip trembles. 

“Right now, you kinda feel like home to me….”

With a broken sob, Seonghwa responds by bringing their foreheads together. The rain is rejuvenation, it’s cold crystalline consciousness to extinguish the fever. 

They stay underneath their tree, holding each other, until Seonghwa notices that Hongjoong is shivering from the weather.

Wordlessly, Seonghwa laces his fingers with Hongjoong’s, and they go back inside through the hotel’s automatic front doors, the both of them still slightly winded, somehow.

The people stationed at the front desk watch on as the two of them re-enter the building, staring at them like they’re fucking out of their minds, which honestly, they are.

They both bow embarrassedly as they walk through the lobby, Hongjoong in nothing but Seonghwa’s oversized shirt, and Seonghwa in nothing but sweatpants, their mismatched clothes dripping a bit on the floor as they scuttle along.

There’s a housekeeping lady standing off to the side with her cart of cleaning supplies, blushing openly and looking as though she knows what the fuck is up.

Hongjoong genuinely hopes that they don’t get banished from the hotel because of the strong gay vibes they’re giving off.

Thankfully, Seonghwa was able to gather his wits enough to remember to grab the key before he tore out of their room after Hongjoong. 

When they step back inside their shared space, Seonghwa reclaims Hongjoong’s hand, and leads him over to their bed.

“I’m cold… I’m cold….”

Hongjoong knows that he sounds pouty, that he sounds like a lost child, but he’s not even going to try and hide it anymore, he wants somebody to take care of him. 

They sit down on the end of the bed, their skin adhesive from the rain, and Seonghwa rises to his feet again to quickly go grab them a towel to dry off with. 

“I’m sorry for raising my voice at you earlier,” Seonghwa says as he massages the material on Hongjoong’s wet hair. 

“…It’s okay, Hwa. I haven’t been using you, I would never… I promise.”

“I believe you.” 

Seonghwa cradles his hands on top of the towel draped over Hongjoong’s head, he leans in, and their noses bump, their lips hovering on each other. 

“Is this… okay?” Seonghwa asks, and his voice is rich and captivating, no different than the night that Seonghwa first showed up in Hongjoong’s sad sky, identical to a shooting star.

Hongjoong gazes downwards at Seonghwa’s lips through leaden eyelids, and his words are nothing more than a whisper.

“…I think it’s a little late to wonder, now….”

They kiss, and it somehow feels different than before. It’s so soft. It feels like… devotion.

Seonghwa’s lip ring is still such an interesting sensation, pressing into Hongjoong’s lips, he really loves it, actually, and Seonghwa’s tongue… Hongjoong has found himself one too many times with head empty, thoughts of Seonghwa’s tongue only. 

Hongjoong will forever remember that evening near the sea. Every time he closes his eyes, it’s the first thing he envisions; Seonghwa tipping down and kissing him, as if it was his only remaining desire. 

Hongjoong really wanted to stay on that beach. He wanted those dancing constellations tied in a bow around his wrists, he wanted the ether to swallow him up. Hongjoong feels like he doesn’t have to try and impress Seonghwa, he doesn’t have to put on a show anymore. Seonghwa seems to like Hongjoong just how he is, Hongjoong feels his brazen backbone lie down to rest. 

“Hongjoong… Hong, Hongie,” Seonghwa murmurs, playing with the sound of Hongjoong’s name on his tongue. 

Hongjoong’s heart skips an enormous beat, his skin burning again on cue. 

“Oh my god.”

Seonghwa nuzzles their noses together. 

“Hong Joong… _Hong_ joong… Joong… Hongjoongie.”

“Oh my fucking god I should’ve known this would happen,” Hongjoong grumbles, and given differing circumstances he would undoubtedly roll his eyes, but he can’t quite bring himself to do it right now. 

“God, fuck, you’re so beautiful-” Seonghwa says, pulling Hongjoong in closer, angling their heads more so for a kiss with greater depth. 

Hongjoong starts crying again, but this time it’s from an untapped portion of relief and exhilaration and deep-rooted need inside of him. Seonghwa thinks he’s beautiful, and Seonghwa wants to help him.

Even after their incident in bed a handful of days ago, Hongjoong knows that Seonghwa would never hurt him. There was a legitimate reason behind why Seonghwa did what he did, and Hongjoong understands that, and gladly accepts his apologies. 

Seonghwa is still such a mystery. Hongjoong wants to know all of the details, both gritty and pretty, of Seonghwa’s life. 

He has wanted to know Seonghwa so badly, but he felt like he wasn’t allowed to.

This isn’t allowed. 

“G-God no _you_ are Seonghwa, don’t you see that…? Don’t you see how beautiful you are…?”

Seonghwa peels their lips apart fervently and they both kind of adjust Seonghwa into a kneeling position on top of the bed, with Hongjoong seated between his legs, and Hongjoong closes his eyes and mouths at Seonghwa’s nipples and paws at the bulge in Seonghwa’s pants. Seonghwa moans delicately, his fingers leaving fond tracks through Hongjoong’s hair, and he bucks his hips forward, driving himself onto Hongjoong’s hand.

Hongjoong halts his exertion to watch Seonghwa grind into his palm.

“You like me touching your cock, Hwa?”

Breathing heavier now, they both start pulling at Seonghwa’s sweatpants and underwear in a flurry, and the fabric puts up a fight, sticking to Seonghwa’s skin due to the rainfall. As soon as they get Seonghwa’s removed, Hongjoong tugs his own underwear off and throws them across the room with unnecessary force. 

He doesn’t even bother with his shirt and immediately drops down on his back, and Seonghwa crawls forward and lowers himself and grinds down on Hongjoong; face to face, skin on skin. 

“… _Hongjoong_ … _Hongjoong_ ….”

Hongjoong moans and it crescendos into a desperate sigh, a bleating tune, being with Seonghwa like this is so much to take in, every single time. Seonghwa is gorgeous and his weight on top of Hongjoong’s body is divine.

“…I like everything about you… your voice is so sweet… you do the cutest things….”

Seonghwa is breathing these little expressions in between kisses and Hongjoong is already fading into a carnal paradise.

Bringing the lurch of their hips to a pause, Seonghwa proceeds to stamp his lips across Hongjoong’s body, from his nose to his shoulders to his chest to his bellybutton, and Seonghwa’s mouth finds its way down to Hongjoong’s arousal.

It’s shrill pleasure that darts up Hongjoong’s throat as Seonghwa is kissing and licking the head of his cock, and with an attentive hold around Hongjoong’s length, Seonghwa begins sucking Hongjoong off with sensitivity and tact. 

There are dewdrops forming at the corners of Hongjoong’s eyes, screwed shut in response to the sweet stimulation. 

Seonghwa flits his tongue around Hongjoong’s cock considerably before he releases it from his lips with a pop. 

“Baby you should talk if you want to… will you talk for me…?”

“…Talk?” Hongjoong whimpers.

“Yeah… tell me how it feels.”

Hongjoong lets his eyes close once again, but gently now. “F-Feels- good, w-with your lips on my cock like that….”

His voice doesn’t have its usual bite to it, associated with when Seonghwa gets him riled up like this; this time, it’s lightweight in rapture instead. 

“…Is this what it feels like… when you’re fucking my ass… something tight around your cock….”

“Would you wanna try that sometime, baby?” Seonghwa asks. He’s half-lidded, stroking Hongjoong’s cock steadily while he takes a moment to lick his lips. 

“Oh… mhm… I- I wanna fuck you, Seonghwa,” Hongjoong replies, a wrinkle in his brow. 

Seonghwa’s vocals, too, manifest like a cloud. 

“…Pretty baby… fuck me just like that-”

And as soon as Seonghwa’s lips are back around his cock, Hongjoong can’t last a second longer, the whirlpool sucks him all the way down into a golden gratification. 

Hongjoong is still squirming in orgasm when Seonghwa laps the tip of his cock with finality and runs his hands lovingly along Hongjoong’s thighs. 

“You did so good baby,” Seonghwa hums, as Hongjoong is reaching his arms out for Seonghwa. “Did that feel good?

“Yes,” Hongjoong responds, and he sounds mushy. 

They both find some air for their tired lungs, and Seonghwa embraces Hongjoong where they’re sprawled out on the bed, trading kisses that could break a spell. Seonghwa’s breathing is elevated, and the thought of Seonghwa just rubbing his cock all over Hongjoong until he cums is enough to bring Hongjoong back from where he caved in.

“… _So wet_ … _so wet_ …,” Hongjoong whines breathily as they grind on each other once again. 

Seonghwa plants a kiss on Hongjoong’s ear and he speaks low. 

“…Want to take a bath?”

They make out naked while they wait for the bath water to fill up, and they’re fairly certain that they figured out how to get the jacuzzi jets fired up. 

Seonghwa’s precum is rubbing onto Hongjoong’s abdomen, and Hongjoong can tell that he is trying to be patient, trying not to fuck Hongjoong up against the wall. Seonghwa is pressing his hardness onto Hongjoong’s body and sucking on Hongjoong’s bottom lip like red fruit. 

“I would never want you for your money… and I don’t want you for the sex,” he says, quite literally out of nowhere. 

“S-Seonghwa…?”

“Being like this… together… feels good, it takes the edge off the pain. But I want to be more than just this for you,” Seonghwa explains earnestly, his adoring gaze melting with Hongjoong’s awe. 

Hongjoong blinks. “I’m sorry for being so horny.”

Seonghwa laughs, and his smile lights up the room in the most magnificent way. He laughs, and Hongjoong giggles with him. After this morning’s meltdown, Hongjoong had nearly forgotten what laughter sounds like, and feels like. 

“No, don’t be sorry… don’t be sorry….”

Following a tender kiss, Seonghwa inhales. 

“I just want to tell you plainly Hongjoong… you’re- you’re so much, but you’re not too much. You’re enough, you’re perfect, you’re precious… I just want _you_ , I want to know you, I just want _you_ beautiful….”

He’s… enough. Has Hongjoong ever been enough for someone? For Seonghwa, Hongjoong isn’t lacking? Defective? Hongjoong’s heart might fly away, as if carried by a pair of opalescent butterfly wings. 

Heatedly now, their mouths clash, and there’s teeth and more tongue than before. They’re moaning in harmony with each other as they’re very sloppily stepping into the tub, the foamy water sloshing around their thrumming, impassioned forms. 

Seonghwa reclines back inside the bath water and Hongjoong straddles his lap and kisses his neck while he’s applying lube to his fingers. 

“Lift up for me please?”

Hongjoong does just that, water drizzling down his body as he brings himself up onto his knees and arches his back, splaying his hands out flat on the wall behind Seonghwa’s shoulders. 

Once Seonghwa’s finger is inside Hongjoong’s entrance, Hongjoong lowers himself back down into the water and straddles Seonghwa once more, and he whimpers against Seonghwa’s lips, and relocates his hands to Seonghwa’s hair, dampening the dark strands when he does. 

Seonghwa fingers Hongjoong hard, the sweltering water splashing where Seonghwa’s arm is moving in a sure rhythm. 

Seonghwa really does know exactly where Hongjoong’s prostate is, he really knows how to push Hongjoong right to his edge, and Hongjoong loves how confident Seonghwa is when they’re intimate together, yet he’s still a very gentle lover, compared to what Hongjoong is used to. 

It’s precise timing when Seonghwa adds another finger, Hongjoong is moaning frantically in approval as Seonghwa resumes his rapidity, and Hongjoong does his best to roll his hips and grind on Seonghwa while Seonghwa fingers him, even though everything feels really unfamiliar under the water.

“Oh god, beautiful- yeah- _yeah_ that feels good-”

Seonghwa’s available hand is preserving a solid squeeze on one of Hongjoong’s asscheeks. 

Hongjoong suspires coarsely. “Y-Your cock is so hard, Hwa, I want you I want you-” 

Seonghwa didn’t grab a condom from his suitcase. He’s not saying anything about it, and Hongjoong isn’t going to say anything about it. Hongjoong doesn’t know anything about Seonghwa’s timeline of previous partners, but he already suggested fucking without protection that one night so he must not be concerned. Hongjoong hasn’t been with Chul in three months, and he can only take a vague guess at just how many other people Chul sleeps around with. He wonders what their names are.

Hongjoong and Seonghwa struggle for a couple of minutes. Hongjoong is whining softly, and it’s not exactly a pleasureful noise. 

“It hurts, it- it feels weird in the water….” 

It’s as if the lube isn’t working as well or something, and considering the fact that they’re submerged in liquid, it’s definitely not going as smoothly as one might expect it to. 

“Oh god- okay- um- baby can you lift up…?” 

They try in that position, both of them on their knees, Hongjoong’s arms wrapped around the back of Seonghwa’s neck, and with Seonghwa’s hands supporting Hongjoong’s ass, but they can’t find a pace that’s fast enough for their liking and their comprehensive grip and stability in the tub is slippery as hell which is inconvenient but also really hot and the fact that they’re miserably struggling to obtain fulfillment is turning Hongjoong on even more.

“ _Fuck_ \- Hwa- j-just fuck me on the floor _please_ I’m fucking losing my mind-”

They’re trying to touch each other as they’re also simply trying to get themselves out of the bath and it’s a fucking mess, it’s a miracle there’s no twisted ankles, it’s a contented calamity.

Seonghwa layers a few towels on the floor next to the bathtub and then he reaches for the lube while Hongjoong situates himself on the towels, lying down on his back and spreading his legs open. 

Seonghwa braces himself up on his knees, pushes himself into Hongjoong’s ass, and wastes absolutely no time in catching them up to speed.

“Deeper Hwa deeper a-and faster please I want more of you-”

It’s just now dawning on Hongjoong that he really, truly doesn’t have to keep quiet. At all.

“ _Fuck_ … _fuck_ …,” Seonghwa rasps, coming unglued at the sounds Hongjoong is producing, one hand keeping his body held up, the other hand gripping onto Hongjoong’s thigh. 

“ _God Seonghwa_ your body on top of me like this-”

Seonghwa is biting his pretty bottom lip, his brow is furrowed in absorption, and he’s keeping his eyes on Hongjoong’s glowing face as he’s pounding in and out of him. 

“…So beautiful… _so_ beautiful oh my god….”

That one evening, Seonghwa came over to help Hongjoong dye his hair; Hongjoong is juggling thoughts of it in this current moment. 

He had hoped that Seonghwa would want to come over, because he was painfully bored, lonely, and very sad while Wooyoung was out chasing his dreams at school that day. They lounged out on the bathroom floor together, everything about that night was sugary and snug, and Hongjoong has a bleary-eyed memory of an unflinching trust in this human being floating above him, for some inexplicable reason. 

“…Does your cock feel good…? Tell me how your cock feels Hwa….”

“It feels so good- it feels so good you’re so tight-” 

Hongjoong can’t find any more words, he’s so close, just shy of screaming, his nails digging promises into Seonghwa’s back. And Seonghwa sounds lightheaded. 

“…G-God fuck I can’t believe I found you… the perfect one for me… I wish… I wish you were mine-”

Hongjoong just about blacks out, stargazing up at Seonghwa from the other side of the glitz and the steam, and their volumes combined could generate all of Tokyo’s incandescence. 

After Seonghwa pulls out, he lies down carefully on top of Hongjoong, their bodies slumped and slick, in unison like puzzle pieces. 

Hongjoong is cooing in satisfaction, and Seonghwa is murmuring in his ear. 

“… _The only one for me_ ….”

Hongjoong wants to sleep. He wants to sleep and find a different world in his dreams. But when he wakes up, he wants Seonghwa to be there by his side. He wishes that he didn’t want anything. Wanting hurts. 

Everything is fucked up beyond repair, or so it seems.

()()()()()()()()

_I’m shy_ ….

_You’re making me feel shy_ ….

  
  
  


_I don’t know, I used to really like theater, I was too shy in high school to join_ ….

  
  
  


Seonghwa will never forgive the person who tried to morph Hongjoong into someone different, the person who touched Hongjoong’s body and frightened him. 

Seonghwa doesn’t know who Hongjoong is, and yet he finally, _finally_ feels close to him. He feels informed, and a lot of Hongjoong’s behavior makes sense now. 

However, Seonghwa isn’t so sure about how he feels in regards to being involved in a scandal, he’s probably in denial. But Chul doesn’t sound like much of a partner, he sounds like a manipulator.

Seonghwa doesn’t care how jacked this guy is, he will kick his ass. 

Seonghwa seriously feels like something has been ignited inside of him, like he actually feels life inside of himself for the first time in a long time. No more playing around. He will fight a bitch. 

Like two lovebirds of a feather, Seonghwa and Hongjoong are tucked away and snuggled deep in bed. Hongjoong is wearing two layers of Seonghwa’s sweatshirts, and he refuses to wear pants, but Seonghwa decides that he will wait until another time to ask why that is. 

Seonghwa is just wearing underwear because he personally is feeling rather toasty, after having turned up the heater in the room for Hongjoong. 

This morning had to have stolen a week’s worth of emotion, if not more. The both of them are spent, and they’re just kind of riding the coattails of whatever is left of their lifeblood. 

Hongjoong is curled up in Seonghwa’s arms, the bedcovers coming all the way up to his chin, and he has his eyes closed. He’s been mumbling for some time now, right on the brink of sleep, but something seems to keep him conscious. Seonghwa has been listening blissfully, and he occasionally cuddles into Hongjoong even closer, as if he can’t get close enough. Hongjoong is so soft. 

“Metamorphosis is pretty cool, don’t you think?”

Seonghwa blinks slowly, and he doesn’t respond to this misty notion, but he lets Hongjoong’s ponderings rotate and soar in his ears like a brightly-colored mobile. 

“I don’t think it’s possible for me… there’s no progression of stages for me… I’ll always be stuck in a Neverland. Every time I’ve tried to come out of my cocoon, I’ve been hurt, by people and circumstances that promised to teach me how to fly. Pretty wings, freedom… I see those things follow everybody else but me… the only thing I can hope in now is that it’s okay to be broken, that there can still be something pretty in incompletion.”

Hongjoong is speaking from his truest heart and sharing more of his thoughts and Seonghwa almost feels the need to hold entirely still, or to hold his breath. This moment is very precious.

But it’s not like Hongjoong had never been genuine. He has always been unapologetically real, sharing bits and pieces from day one, never telling blatant lies, and Seonghwa can see that now. Sometimes you don’t really see until you’re further away from those points in time. 

Seonghwa strokes his thumb across one of the wings tattooed on Hongjoong’s hip bone, and Hongjoong sighs a very modest sigh. 

“I just wanna be pretty and complete.”

Seonghwa feels his own expression fall. 

“Hongjoong….” 

  
  


_Please be mine. Please be mine._

  
  


“Hold up your hand,” Seonghwa says.

From his little nest by Seonghwa’s side, Hongjoong opens his eyes drowsily, and indulges Seonghwa’s request.

Seonghwa mirrors the palm of his hand on Hongjoong’s. 

“Can we be incomplete together?”

Hongjoong only giggles at this and closes his eyes again. 

“I knew you’d laugh at that,” Seonghwa murmurs, and he grins. 

Hongjoong is now laugh-crying, just faintly, and Seonghwa wonders, if he could put a label on the emotion that he’s feeling right now, what would it be. 

“Seonghwa… you’re so beautiful, inside and out. I wanna be where you are….” 

They have three days left and nothing at all sorted out. Quite frankly, Seonghwa has forgotten the exact day and time that his flight is scheduled to leave, but it doesn’t even matter anymore, especially since there’s no way in hell that he’s getting on the same airplane as his parents. 

He sweeps away the tears on Hongjoong’s face, and they stop without delay this time. 

Hongjoong has fallen asleep. 

Seonghwa will wait until later when Hongjoong wakes up and he’ll go fetch them some lunch. For now, he’s still repeating Hongjoong’s name in his mind. 

Seonghwa is simply amazed. He sighs. He wants this forever, he wants to hold Hongjoong forever, snuggled up with him, he doesn’t want to sleep alone ever again. 

After several minutes of staring at the wall and soaking inside the silence of their hotel room, Seonghwa checks his phone for the first time today, and there’s a message from San, which is perfect, actually. He really should catch up with San because a lot has happened since they last texted. 

  
  


**Sanni:**

do u think woo likes me ?? 

**Seonghwa:**

Um

Aren’t you guys fucking 

  
  


San answers as if he had been waiting all morning for Seonghwa’s reply. 

  
  


**Sanni:**

no

not yet 🥺

hes just held my hand a few times 

& i kiss his little cheekies when im feeling brave

**Seonghwa:**

You’re shitting me

**Sanni:**

should i make a move tonight 

when we get together to study???

im nervous

to be naked in front of him 😔

**Seonghwa:**

Bitch shut the fuck up

**Sanni:**

😜

**Seonghwa:**

God

Why so annoying today

**Sanni:**

i was making fun of u & ur love life

hehe

**Seonghwa:**

Do you

God no do I even want to know

Probably not nevermind 

**Sanni:**

u were gonna ask if i top or bottom 

werent u

**Seonghwa:**

Yeah and I hate myself for it 

**Sanni:**

😂😂 ever heard of switches??? 😜

speaking of hearing things 

heard from woo that hj has been staying 

somewhere else in town 🤠

u thought u could let this slide past meee

**Seonghwa:**

I was gonna tell you

I’ve just been a little busy 

**Sanni:**

lol damn 🥵

we should fit in another double date!!! 

**Seonghwa:**

Yeah

That would be nice 

**Sanni:**

im gonna miss u hwa 

its been so good to see u again 

**Seonghwa:**

This has been so good 

I’m gonna miss you too Sanni 💜

  
  


San says that he really needs to run out to the store for some things, so they leave it at that for now. Seonghwa isn’t sure where to start anyway, and he’s not certain yet that Hongjoong will be comfortable with San knowing everything.

Seonghwa navigates to the list of contacts in his phone. He looks at Wooyoung’s number. 

  
  


**Seonghwa:**

Hey this is Seonghwa

  
  


It’s less than five minutes later when he receives a reply. 

  
  


**Wooyoung:**

Hey!! 

**Seonghwa:**

Hey

How are you

**Wooyoung:**

Fine

Good 

Tired but what’s new haha

**Seonghwa:**

Yeah lol

That’s good

Glad you’re good

**Wooyoung:**

Yeah

How are you?

How are things 

Is everything ok

**Seonghwa:**

I’m ok

Hongjoong told me everything 

**Wooyoung:**

Oh 

Wow

Ok wow 

Uh

That’s great actually 

I’m glad he did

You mad at him at all? 

He was so afraid you’d be mad at him

Or would think badly of him 

And I mean

You’re completely valid if you are upset 

It’s complicated 

Is he still staying with you?

I checked in on him earlier but 

I haven’t heard from him 

**Seonghwa:**

I’m so glad he did too

And yeah he’s here 

I think he’s doing ok

And yeah

Complicated 

Are they

Still dating actually?

Like

He wasn’t making that very clear

**Wooyoung:**

Yeah no 

Chul is nothing more than a stalker in my humble opinion 

I’m really worried though

Because he has Hong wrapped around his finger

I’m scared about the long term damage 

And the damage he’s already caused 

Hong still thinks that he owes Chul something 

Chul has Hong believing that they’re still dating 

**Seonghwa:**

Hasn’t he tried to break up with this asshole?

I don’t understand 

**Wooyoung:**

Apparently it doesn’t go very well 

Every time Hong tries to break things off

Yeah it just scares me because 

Hong has told me a lot but

I’m sure he hasn’t told me everything that goes on

You know?

He’s just always saying that Chul doesn’t make him feel safe

It really worries me 

**Seonghwa:**

Does this fuckhead not understand

When someone breaks up with you 

You can’t just say no 

Wtf 

**Wooyoung:**

Apparently he makes a lot of promises

Hong has opened up to him about a lot

After his loss

In his weakest moments 

Chul makes promises for everything 

And I think he’s promised to run away with Hong

And take him somewhere where they can get married

Or some shit idk

**Seonghwa:**

What the actual fuck 

**Wooyoung:**

It all sounded really drastic to me

Most of the time Hong is panicking when he tells me things

So it’s hard to understand what’s real and what’s haunting him

I’ve tried my best 

And Seonghwa 

I think that you’re amazing for sticking with him

He’s fickle 

And he’s got baggage 

**Seonghwa:**

I saw something in him

I see something in him 

I don’t want to let him go

I intend to stick with him 

As long as he wants me to

With you, me, and Sanni

He has good people on his side we’ll protect him 

Fuck this bitch Chul 

It all sounds abusive to me 

**Wooyoung:**

Exactly

And I think that’s what has been difficult 

To process and to come to terms with

It’s abuse, isn’t it?

Literally Hong texted me 

Said he was scared to death

He was staying at a hotel in Seoul with a suitcase of his stuff

His mom wasn’t answering his calls 

So he booked a flight out here

Asked if he could stay with me 

It’s insane

**Seonghwa:**

God 

**Wooyoung:**

The Hongie I know is a force to be reckoned with 

He can be quiet

But he’s ambitious 

He’s sweet and caring 

Always smiling 

But he’s become so jumpy 

Moody 

Withdrawn 

Trying to escape but there’s only so many places he can run away to 

**Seonghwa:**

I feel like I had him all wrong 

I’m just now getting a clearer picture of who he is

**Wooyoung:**

Yeah 

It actually really hurt me

To see how he was when we all hung out that day 

That’s not how he usually is 

Tbh I’m so thankful that you’re a decent person 

And

From what I can tell

More than just decent 

Hong deserves someone like you 

**Seonghwa:**

Thank you for saying that 

**Wooyoung:**

He crawled into bed with me one night

And talked about you until he fell asleep

**Seonghwa:**

What!

What did he say I want to know

**Wooyoung:**

Haha 

I think he said that he liked you the moment he saw you

And he was kinda talking through his feelings about that

And he was saying that it would be cool

If you could rescue him like a prince 🥰

And some really soft shit about you holding the galaxy in your eyes

**Seonghwa:**

Oh what the hell that’s cute ❤️

**Wooyoung:**

Yeah and he thinks you eat very cutely

He talked about that ice cream you shared when we all went out lol

Oh and he thinks that your voices fit perfectly together

And maybe you could sing a song together someday

**Seonghwa:**

Oh my god 

**Wooyoung:**

He would kill me for telling you all this 😂❤️

**Seonghwa:**

Do you think it’s strange that I’ve fallen for him so quickly 

**Wooyoung:**

No

Not at all

I don’t know if I’ve ever fallen for someone in the span of 3 weeks

But I’m not the standard 

There’s no blueprint 

Everything’s gonna work out for you in it’s own time

Your timeline doesn’t have to be identical to anyone else’s 

And it won’t be and that’s special 

**Seonghwa:**

Thank you Wooyoung

I think I really needed to hear that 

**Wooyoung:**

No one has told you that?

**Seonghwa:**

No

**Wooyoung:**

Well fuck

Here I am

I’m your new life coach 💞💞💞

**Seonghwa:**

Damn 

Gunning for Sanni’s job 

**Wooyoung:**

LOL! 

Seonghwa!

Not to be really fucking gay but!

You’re fucking cute

Sanni and me adore you guys

You’re like our little emo boys 

Maybe after school tomorrow 

We could all cuddle? 

**Seonghwa:**

Ok Wooyoung go back to studying 

Don’t you have a paper about butter and whisks to write or something 

**Wooyoung:**

Hahahaha

No ❤️

Is he actually there? 

Why isn’t he checking his phone 🙄

**Seonghwa:**

Taking a nap

**Wooyoung:**

Oh cute 

Keep him warm! 🥰

He gets cold really easily!

**Seonghwa:**

I’ve noticed 

**Wooyoung:**

He’s babey 

**Seonghwa:**

Why does he not wear underwear? 

**Wooyoung:**

Oh! Idk really

He just has quirks like that! 

He’s not being a little hoe or anything 

For as long as I can remember he’s always been fussy with certain fabrics

In elementary school 

He would cry almost every morning before we walked to school 

Because his uniform would feel scratchy and stuff 

I think he’s sensitive to some stuff like that 

**Seonghwa:**

Oh ok ❤️

I would like to learn more about that

Idk 

Maybe he would feel comfortable talking about it sometime 

**Wooyoung:**

Yeah ❤️

Damn 

I’m sad you’re leaving soon 

Didn’t really get the chance to know you

**Seonghwa:**

Yeah I feel the same 

I mean 

It’s only a 2 hour flight over here

I could save up and come to your guys’ graduation 

**Wooyoung:**

OMG 

Would you?! 💖💖

Bring little Hong with you! 😉

**Seonghwa:**

If he wants to stay with me 

As much as I want to stay with him

Then yeah

We’ll come back together for your graduation

**Wooyoung:**

Yessssss god I can’t wait to party 

I am so done with being an excellent student and shit 😪

Btw 

Thanks for reaching out Seonghwa 

Really 💖

Wait

Can I make a gc with San 

**Seonghwa:**

Yeah sure

  
  


**_You’ve been added to WooSanHwa_ **

  
  


**Wooyoung:**

Hey ❤️❤️❤️

**Sanni:**

oh hi 💕

**Wooyoung:**

Hi 💘💘

**Seonghwa:**

😐

**Wooyoung:**

What we’re not even saying anything 

**Seonghwa:**

🤨

**Wooyoung:**

San would you be down for cuddling with Seonghwa and HJ

**Sanni:**

omg cuddling u & hwa is one of my fav things

**Wooyoung:**

😳🥺

**Sanni:**

hj seems like hed be a lil cuddle buggie too

i feel like he would be the type to bite u & then nuzzle on u

**Seonghwa:**

Accurate 

**Wooyoung:**

Cool we should all get together then

And this time it won’t be super fucking awkward

**Seonghwa:**

🙄

Oh Sanni I know HJ’s full name now 

**Sanni:**

WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!

WHAT EVER THE FUCK IS IT??!,!!

SASSY MYSTERY BOY HAS NAME 

why dont u ever tell me things!!!

im trying to be ur supportive bestie & u wont even let me :( 

**Seonghwa:**

I’ll ask him what he feels comfortable with 

Like how much he feels ok with me sharing with you 

**Sanni:**

oh!!

ok ❤️

um

is everything ok with him?

ive been trying to mind my own business 

but that does not mean that im not concerned ❤️

**Wooyoung:**

He’s dealing with some fucked up circumstances in all honesty 

But he’s going to be ok

Trust me, I’ve wanted to tell you Sanni ❤️❤️

I hope he’ll be chill with letting you know

We need you on the HJ protection squad 

**Sanni:**

u guys are making me v curious 😢

but i will wait ❤️

and i will fight a bitch if need be ❤️

**Seonghwa:**

❤️

**Sanni:**

ok so when r we snuggling?!!

**Seonghwa:**

We’d be free tomorrow

**Wooyoung:**

Um maybe the day after tomorrow?

**Sanni:**

why we only have class til 2 tmrrw 

  
  


They don’t hear back from Wooyoung for another twenty minutes or so. 

  
  


**Wooyoung:**

Idk 

I just think the day after would work better 

We could go out for drinks 

Then have a sleepover at my place

**Sanni:**

ok whatever sure!!

we only have so many days left to choose from 😭

**Wooyoung:**

Ok cool I gotta go now

But

Let’s say our salutations 

**Seonghwa:**

???

**Wooyoung:**

*Cough cough* 

Group chat name 👀

**Seonghwa:**

Oh lord

**Wooyoung:**

💜💜 Woo 💜💜

**Sanni:**

san! 😁✌️💕🌈🐱🌻

**Seonghwa:**

Hwa 💫

This is lame you guys are lame 

**Wooyoung:**

Love you too Hwa 😘

**Sanni:**

LOVE YOU BB 

**Seonghwa:**

❤️

  
  


There’s something very pleasant flowering inside of Seonghwa’s sternum, as he places his phone aside. 

Poor Wooyoung. He’s clearly stressed. The day that he finally graduates will be a proud day for him. Both his and San’s hard work and tenacity is inspiring, actually. 

Seonghwa peers at Hongjoong. He’s so tempted to brush through Hongjoong’s hair that’s now dry and just barely still pink, but Seonghwa doesn’t want to risk waking him from his slumber. 

Maybe a little nap is a good idea, Seonghwa thinks to himself as he yawns. 

Maybe they’ll meet with each other in their dreams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> to summarize the potentially triggering parts: two years ago hongjoong’s father passed away, and at his father’s funeral he met chul, who was there working for the florist that was hired for the ceremony. hongjoong moved in with chul, but chul only seems interested in using hongjoong for the money that he inherited, so he ran away to tokyo to escape the abusive relationship. 
> 
> and then he met seonghwa lol 🥰
> 
> I don’t have much to say today :’) just thank you so much for being here 💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖 we still have one chapter left so I refuse to get sappy rn lol I’ll save it for next time 
> 
> can u tell what’s about to go down in the last chapter 👀
> 
> ()()()()()()()()
> 
> chapter title inspo: “Silver Droplets” - MADE IN HEIGHTS
> 
> tokyo runaways playlist: 🏮 [here](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLsenJSIypLnyfjjq8b_sdbOM4fFaLTBI2) 🏮
> 
> ()()()()()()()()
> 
> twitter: hj_pan_cake


	7. butterfly // lily of the valley

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys 😭 we made it to the finish line!!! thanks for being here ❤️ talk with you in the end notes 💫
> 
> ⭐️  
> TW / CW in this chapter:
> 
> implied stalking  
> verbal/emotional abuse (guess who 🙄😢)  
> violence (non-graphic)  
> one brief mention of blood  
> mention of drinking  
> (👆 after the 1st page break 👆)
> 
> and one last little sprinkle of smut lol (before the 1st page break)  
> ⭐️

Seonghwa wakes up with Hongjoong’s drool on his arm.

The light is lusterless inside their hotel suite, the embroidered curtains in the windows thick enough to repel a bullet, and Hongjoong’s groans glide in formation with Seonghwa’s. 

He doesn’t have a clue what day of the week it is, he could even be wrong about what month they’re in. All Seonghwa knows is that he and Hongjoong will be departing Japan tomorrow, flying off to an undecided destination. 

“I feel like someone landed an airplane on me,” Hongjoong says with a breath as thin as thread. 

“Is that good or bad,” Seonghwa questions.

He wipes his arm off on the bed sheets, and through his own drowsy pair he watches Hongjoong blink his eyes open. 

“It’s oddly good. I slept very well.”

“That’s good. Good morning, pumpkin.”

“Oh my god,” Hongjoong grumbles. 

“What? It was between pumpkin or sugar pie, which one do you prefer?” Seonghwa says, following a yawn. “Hongie pie is an option as well.”

Yesterday, it was ‘honey bear’.

“ _Stop_ ,” Hongjoong whines, but there’s an illumination in his voice, and he nuzzles into Seonghwa’s chest with a submitted force. “…I like both those names….”

“What ever happened to that cardigan I left with you at Wooyoung’s place.” 

Seonghwa lets this random thought run free, and he proceeds to play with Hongjoong’s disheveled hair. 

“Oh, I still have it, it’s in my suitcase.”

Today, their plans consist of going out to Ni-Chome with San and Wooyoung, staying overnight at Wooyoung’s place, and with San and Wooyoung’s moral support, Seonghwa and Hongjoong are going to book a last-minute flight after deciding where they want to take off for next. 

Seonghwa does have a decent amount of money saved up, but he will need to return home, eventually. He needs a job and he still needs to pay rent whether he’s in town or not. He definitely doesn’t want to drop out on Yunho and leave him to find a new place or a new roommate. 

Seonghwa is a little stressed, because his needs conflict with Hongjoong’s needs, but he’s trying not to be doubtful, he’s trying to narrow his focus on simply relaxing with Hongjoong on their final full day in this fancy-ass hotel, he wants to have faith that everything will work itself out. 

“Oh okay,” Seonghwa replies. 

Hongjoong yawns. “I wore it around Wooyoung’s apartment a lot, it’s nice. I guess I should give it back huh.”

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to,” Seonghwa says, now kneading slow circles around the dimples on Hongjoong’s lower back. 

“Do you need it for something?”

“No, not really,” Seonghwa smirks. 

They sit up in bed, still cozy under the covers, and they drink the shitty complimentary hotel room coffee. It’s a 5-star hotel, sure, but instant coffee can only be so magical. 

“Tell me about that night,” Seonghwa says, after burning his tongue a bit on the hot beverage.

Hongjoong glances at him. “That night?”

“The night I met you.”

“Wooyoung kicked me out because I have this habit of being annoying. He was studying,” Hongjoong explains.

“You’re not annoying.”

“I don’t know, I think I’m pretty annoying.”

Hongjoong prods at Seonghwa’s waist until Seonghwa is squirming from how much it undeniably tickles.

“Do you _want_ to be annoying or something?” Seonghwa gripes, very clearly amused. 

“Maybe. Maybe I want you to punish me,” Hongjoong whispers in Seonghwa’s ear, his chin placed atop Seonghwa’s shoulder. 

Seonghwa blinks. “That- that’s a thought.”

“Anyways, Woo banished me,” Hongjoong goes on to recount. “I didn’t want to feel anything. Or I wanted to feel something, I don’t know.”

“I went to some really sus clubs, and I didn’t feel particularly safe there alone, so I left. I was being really good and whenever someone tried to buy me a drink I told them that I could do that for myself and I felt really powerful,” Hongjoong says, “until I met you.”

Seonghwa studies Hongjoong’s profile. His silhouette could inspire literature, sculptures, artworks of all kinds. 

“I really wanted the chance to speak with you, and stuff… and I noticed you with San, which made me curious because I know San from Woo,” Hongjoong continues. “So I wondered who you were and why you were so hot. The end.”

“Wow, romantic,” Seonghwa murmurs. “You don’t even remember the rest of the night do you.”

“Of course I remember our first night together! And afterwards, you sat with me outside, and I didn’t wanna leave.”

“Really?”

Hongjoong nods his head vigorously. “Yeah! Why didn’t you take me back to your hotel with you and hold me all night?”

“I- I could tell that you wouldn’t be into that, or that… it seemed like that wasn’t exactly what you were wanting.”

Hongjoong offers Seonghwa a sad little smile. 

“What’s your side of the story…?” he asks Seonghwa, then taking a sip of his drink. 

“I didn’t care about anything until I saw you.”

This wipes the smile clean off of Hongjoong’s face, and it’s replaced by a jeweled blush, as he can do nothing but stare back at Seonghwa. 

And Seonghwa keeps their eyes locked, and he leans in, and he does so hesitantly, and he kisses Hongjoong languidly.

“…Oh- about San… would you be okay sharing some details with him?” Seonghwa mentions carefully, after their resisting lips part ways. “San is ready to beat ass for you.”

“Oh, I didn’t know he thought of me in those ways,” Hongjoong says, sounding dazed, as high as a kite. 

“Get your mind out of the gutter, he’s ready to legitimately taekwondo kick Chul’s crusty ass straight to hell. He has like, a gold belt in taekwondo or whatever.”

Good-naturedly, Hongjoong giggles at this, and then sighs.

“I don’t want anyone to get hurt… I just want him to leave me alone.”

“The only ass that’s getting smashed soon is yours, by the way,” Hongjoong adds after a moment of quietude. 

Seonghwa gulps, as unobtrusively as he can muster. “You… you’re quite the morning person, aren’t you.”

Hongjoong crinkles his nose playfully and bites at Seonghwa’s ear. 

“…Um, now…?” Seonghwa asks, every fiber of his being turning warmer all of a sudden. 

“No not yet, I’m nervous, I’ve never done it before….”

Hongjoong is looking down at his lap, his small hands clasped around his mug. 

“Oh okay, don’t worry about it, whenever- whenever you’re ready,” Seonghwa assures him. 

It isn’t long at all before Hongjoong is eyeing Seonghwa’s arousal underneath the covers, and Seonghwa can’t help but notice this, and can’t help his face from flushing colorfully either. 

“Why do you always look at my dick like you’re hungry,” he says. 

Hongjoong sets his mug on the bedside table, and promptly rolls over until he’s lying on his stomach in between Seonghwa’s legs. 

“Because you’re so perfect for me,” he practically sings. 

“That answer made no sense but I’ll accept it,” Seonghwa replies.

“…You’re kinda hard, Seonghwa… can I touch you?”

After Seonghwa nods his approval, and after pawing at Seonghwa’s cock still concealed beneath the bedding, Hongjoong remains on his stomach, scooches forward, pulls the covers down, and he mouths at and sucks on Seonghwa’s cock. 

“…Please use me?” Hongjoong exhales after a few minutes gone by. His lips are glistening. 

“Listen I know you don’t have a gag reflex, great job, but I still don’t want to hurt you,” Seonghwa moans, panting mildly with eyelids heavy. 

Hongjoong just about begs Seonghwa, so Seonghwa fucks Hongjoong’s face, letting Hongjoong off to breathe every few seconds, and Hongjoong uses those breaks to spout off about how he really likes Seonghwa’s big fat cock, and other such things along those lines. He swallows Seonghwa’s cum, and licks around his lips, not letting anything escape. 

While Seonghwa is trying to recover from catapulting directly into heaven’s gates, Hongjoong gives a kiss to the tip of Seonghwa’s cock and rests his head on Seonghwa’s thigh with a floaty grin, and it’s far too cute for what he just did. 

Biting his lower lip, Hongjoong screws his eyes shut and starts humping the bed. 

Seonghwa rolls his eyes, but speaks in a gentle voice. 

“Baby let me help you.”

Hongjoong ends up sitting in front of Seonghwa facing him, lying down on his back, and Seonghwa multitasks in between Hongjoong’s legs, fingering Hongjoong’s ass and jerking Hongjoong’s cock at the same time. 

Hongjoong almost kicks Seonghwa accidentally a couple of times, the butterfly wings on his hip bones dancing. He’s writhing around, toes curled, both his hands fisting onto the bedcovers, and Seonghwa thinks that it’s got to be one of the most glorious sights. 

Seonghwa keeps his vocalizing low and calm, telling Hongjoong that he’s lovely, that he completes Seonghwa, that his body is a masterpiece, which has Hongjoong arching his back and swooping through climax, most likely jolting awake everyone in the hotel who wasn’t already up and trying to enjoy their own mediocre cups of coffee. 

Seonghwa wouldn’t be surprised in the slightest if everyone on this floor of the building knows his name by now.

Hongjoong lies there captured in bliss, and Seonghwa finds himself bending forward and sprinkling kisses all along Hongjoong’s legs. Which isn’t something that Seonghwa would typically do with a casual hookup, definitely not something he’d feel inclined to do to just anybody. Hongjoong is not just anybody. He never was to begin with. 

Seonghwa will clean Hongjoong up in a minute, he really will, he just wants to revel in this for a while longer. Hongjoong’s thighs are so soft, they’re doughy and sweet. 

“Did that feel good beautiful,” Seonghwa mumbles on Hongjoong’s skin. 

“…Mhm, you make me feel good… you make me happy.”

Happy.

Happy.

Happiness.

Seonghwa just permits his mind to swish and swirl. This feeling is the creamer in his bitter coffee. 

“There’s somewhere I wanna take you today, Seonghwa,” Hongjoong says unexpectedly. 

“Hm…?” Seonghwa croons, slowly wading his way out of his stupor. 

“…You took me somewhere special, so I wanna take you somewhere, too.” 

After more cuddles, showering, and getting dressed and ready, Seonghwa and Hongjoong step out into a blue-sky day.

A speedy train ride later has the two of them standing right outside of busy Akihabara Station, where they played hide-and-seek in the rain, where Seonghwa stole sinful glances over his parents’ shoulders, where Hongjoong found safety beneath Seonghwa’s umbrella, where the lights in the reflection on the streets blinded them and made them fall head over heels. 

Seonghwa gawks at the entrance of the Gundam Cafe with stars in his eyes. 

“Hwa, before we go inside-”

“Huh?” Seonghwa interrupts, whipping his head around frantically to peer at Hongjoong.

“I’m sorry for that one day- or, I think it was two days? How I made fun of you and your Gundams… I was completely joking, and trying to flirt, or something….” 

“I’m sorry about it,” Hongjoong concludes. “Nobody should be ridiculed for their hobby.” 

“Oh. Thank you. I didn’t even think of it that way though, it’s okay,” Seonghwa says, not even sure what to say about any of this, unconvinced that it’ll be possible for him to thank Hongjoong enough for taking him here. 

Hongjoong’s lips are set in a little circle. 

“You’re so whipped for me it didn’t even bother you?”

Seonghwa sputters. “I’m- I’m not-”

But he stops himself, because damn that couldn’t be any closer to the whole truth.

“Didn’t you tell me just two days ago, very dramatically in the rain, that you would do anything for me?” Hongjoong says with an impish smile, and he tilts his dewy face upward, pulling at Seonghwa’s belt loops out in broad daylight. 

“Y-Yes,” Seonghwa surrenders. “And I meant it, too.”

It isn’t too terribly occupied inside, they’re seated right away, and they keep their legs braided together underneath the table as they look over the cleverly-themed menu. 

Television screens are playing all of the opening theme songs of the Gundam anime series throughout the years on loop, and Seonghwa’s headspace is a beehive as he admires all of the details in the interior of the restaurant. 

Hongjoong now has an elbow propped up on the tabletop, his chin resting in the palm of his hand as he watches the screen nearest to their table. 

“So, who are the robots fighting?”

Seonghwa’s eyes widen. He begins to explain everything before Hongjoong can say sike. 

Hongjoong listens while Seonghwa rambles, and he hums in interest with very soft eyes and a sweet grin. Seonghwa feels like his heart might burst. He trips over his words a few times because Hongjoong looks so intent, and very pretty. 

It’s really nice, sitting down at a restaurant with Hongjoong. It’s so electrifying, taking in Hongjoong’s expressions in this new light. 

He’s different, this isn’t the same HJ. This is so different. Seonghwa can’t imagine them doing this a week ago, or two weeks ago. Hongjoong’s attitude would’ve been very dissimilar. Seonghwa would’ve had to bribe Hongjoong to make this dream come true, or Hongjoong, unable to process his feelings, would’ve hissed in Seonghwa’s ear, conjuring up some suggestive fantasies in order to keep them both surface-bound, distracted, casual. 

Hongjoong looks so cute today in his denim overalls and tie-dye shirt. Seonghwa wants to show him off to the whole world. Seonghwa wants to give Hongjoong a bouquet of flowers. 

They settle on ordering an omurice dish and a cheeseburger and fries to share. 

Hongjoong is groaning about how his tummy is going to pop after they demolish their lunch, but Seonghwa still has room left for the charming desserts that they order as well. He almost starts clapping his hands when their waitress brings out a tray topped with a very photogenic almond and lychee jelly fruit parfait, and a citrus mango ice cream float.

Seonghwa does make sure to take plenty of pictures of their meal, and he also takes a mirror selca in the restroom because it’s decorated like the inside of a Gundam pilot cockpit, complete with mecha launching sound effects when the toilet flushes. 

Seonghwa is pretty sure that he’ll never complain about anything ever again, and it takes him nearly an hour to cool down after Hongjoong pays for their entire bill. 

While they’re out, they do some shopping. 

They grab some supplies with the intention to touch-up their hair. Hongjoong wants to bleach his roots and fix his pink, and Seonghwa wants to stick with his black too, because Hongjoong says that he looks handsome. 

They also purchase two new suitcases for all of the shit they bought over the course of their stays here in Tokyo. 

Seonghwa loves this, being out with Hongjoong, browsing through the stores, holding his hand unashamed because the both of them don’t give a fuck. 

When they make it back to Ginza, they tidy up in their hotel. Hongjoong texts San, thanks him for his concern, and provides him with some brief insight on what he’s been dealing with. Both Seonghwa and Hongjoong figured that it would be good for him to do that now, before the four of them meet up later tonight. 

The day is moving quickly, and they find themselves listening to music in the bathroom, painting each other’s hair yet again, and laughing almost more than they’re simply breathing.

Now that Seonghwa is aware that Hongjoong has an inheritance, he really doesn’t understand why Hongjoong hasn’t just searched up a nice hair salon here in Tokyo to get his color done professionally. All of this effort is comical almost, and humble. 

Maybe Hongjoong enjoys the process, more so than the results. 

()()()()()()()()

Seonghwa and Hongjoong check out of the hotel with fingers crossed that they’ll get to live this luxuriously again someday. They bow and smile a lot as they part ways with the front desk, praying that by some miracle the employees don’t remember them chasing each other through the lobby and walking around the premises half-naked and wet the other day. 

It’s legitimate exercise, rolling all of their heavy suitcases down the streets and through the train stations. 

They dump their stuff in Wooyoung’s tiny apartment. 

San was the one who very jovially greeted them at the door, and Wooyoung is now shuffling into the living room with one side of his eyeliner done, wearing baggy sweatpants and an oversized t-shirt. He embraces Hongjoong and teeters him back and forth. 

“I missed you bub. Was this Seonghwa fellow a gentleman? I’ll kick his really hot ass all the way to the darkest part of the moon if he’s unkind to you.”

“Yes, Hwa was very good to me,” Hongjoong mumbles, and he buries his face in the crook of Wooyoung’s neck. 

This makes Seonghwa blush, and Wooyoung gives him a toothy smile from over Hongjoong’s shoulder. 

San has his arms snaked around Seonghwa’s waist in a warm hug as he’s watching Wooyoung and Hongjoong fondly. “Which one of you is the hyung, I’m so confused,” he says jokingly.

The four of them spend some time getting hyped and dolled up before they head out in search of ear-splitting music and affordable drinks. 

There’s an unknown in the jarring city sky and in the footsteps of his friends through these dusky narrow lanes, and it’s making Seonghwa nostalgic for something that he’s not even acquainted with, something that he’s a stranger to. 

It’s a lively Thursday evening in Ni-Chome, everywhere smells of cigarettes, and each quaint business front looks like it might lead into an alternate universe. 

So far, Wooyoung has been making sure that they don’t drink too much, which apparently is unusual for him, but honestly, none of them need the alcohol to have a good time. 

They’re having the time of their lives now that no weird air or barriers are between any of them. They’re united by common bonds here, their togetherness in and of itself is adrenalizing, and dancing with one another feels like the greatest escape, the best case scenario. This particular pounding of the bass in the club that they’re in now is reminding Seonghwa of what his pulse is like every time he says Hongjoong’s name. 

Hongjoong seems to really appreciate the night out. His smile is a sunrise, his laughter is the end of a rainbow fading into the glassy part of the atmosphere. 

Seonghwa can’t recall what it feels like to be tired.

The track of his mind that never stops thinking about the future is currently pondering where Hongjoong will want to run away to next. Will he want to hide in another screaming metropolis, or will he want to hide at the foothills of a mountain near castle ruins. He’ll probably want to consider places by the sea. 

Will Hongjoong really let Seonghwa take care of him? Will Hongjoong bless Seonghwa with his trust and let him take part in his grand adventure. Seonghwa is falling harder and faster, how is he supposed to name even one country on the map when he’s already holding the entire world in his arms. 

Seonghwa is just tipsy enough to feel how truly damn smitten he is. He feels really exposed up here at the height of his emotions. He keeps running his hands along Hongjoong’s body from behind, he keeps leaning down and kissing the nape of Hongjoong’s neck. 

“Boys we need to stay hydrated!”

San is leading the pack when they tumble out of the club for some fresh air. 

“Perfect, there’s a vending machine with water bottles right over there,” Wooyoung responds. 

“No silly, I’m _thirsty_ ,” San gushes, giving Wooyoung a sloppy kiss on the cheek. “Let’s go to EAGLE they have the best drinks!”

And that’s exactly what they set off to do. 

When they make it down the street to EAGLE, where Seonghwa and Hongjoong shared their first drinks together, they wiggle in through the crowd and find a semi-secluded corner to mingle in.

A guy approaches them pretty early on, which is annoying as fuck, especially given the fact that he’s looking very pointedly at Hongjoong. 

“Oh my god….”

It isn’t until Hongjoong says this, with an instant distress lining his vocal cords, that Seonghwa apprehends the sudden unease hanging in the space between them and this man. 

Wooyoung, though, doesn’t really look alarmed like the rest of them, just downcast. 

“Hongjoong…?” Seonghwa says, quiet yet wary, not taking his eyes off of this guy. 

“…I know him…,” Hongjoong explains vaguely, and just as timidly. 

This can’t be good. 

The man, gaunt and donning a newsboy cap, reaches out for Hongjoong’s arm, and Hongjoong flinches and recoils. 

“Don’t touch him,” Seonghwa utters hoarsely. 

This only seems to amuse the guy. “Who’s this, Angel?”

“Don’t call him that,” Seonghwa says. 

It’s cold, all of a sudden; really cold. Did someone turn on the aircon? Did someone swap the seasons. Hongjoong is noticeably shivering next to Seonghwa.

“Why not,” the guy sneers. 

“Because he’s not an angel.”

Except he is. Hongjoong has been an angel for Seonghwa when he needed one most. Fuck Chul for soiling that perfect term of endearment.

Chul…. 

The corners of this guy’s face twist up into a smirk. “But I heard that’s his name.” 

“His name is also Princess.” 

This voice belongs to a different man who seemingly materializes out of nowhere, and he saunters right up to their group, all the while gazing at Hongjoong with a stale malice, a nightmare’s infatuation. 

“I missed you, Angel,” he says to Hongjoong. 

Hongjoong appears petrified.

“…G-Great- I can add another thing to the list… stalker… y-you’re a stalker,” Hongjoong stammers, and he’s pressing himself further now into Seonghwa’s side. 

“What’s this list you speak of? Makes me sound important,” the man jibes, and he’s much taller, much more built, and there’s something unsettling in his posture. 

Wooyoung releases a noise of deep sorrow. “He threatened me Hong I’m so sorry, I’m so, so sorry-” 

Hongjoong looks appalled, horrified as he connects the dots; this person found his best friend and terrorized information out of him. 

Seonghwa feels absolutely awful for Wooyoung, that he had no choice but to hide this. San has his arms wrapped around Wooyoung, and they’re all positivity glowering now at this man who is unmistakably Chul.

“…You’re fucking insane… get some fucking help… and leave me and my friends the fuck alone, I don’t want you in my life anymore!”

It really sounds like something that Hongjoong might not have been able to say if he didn’t have Seonghwa, Wooyoung, and San with him. 

“Declined.”

Chul’s utterance comes out so effortlessly, dripping from his mouth, sliding down the designer leather of his jacket, mingling with his putrid cologne; things he bought with Hongjoong’s money. 

Hongjoong doesn’t care about money. He cares about the simple things in life. He’s precious. How dare someone take advantage of him like this. Seonghwa is fuming. 

“Listen motherfucker he’s trying to tell you how he feels, you can’t just decline that,” he says, trying to keep his voice steady. 

“Another Korean…?” Chul inquires. “And who the fuck are you, pretty boy? You some K-pop idol here on tour? Should I be down on my knees? Begging for your autograph? Begging for your dick? Listening to you or something?”

“F-Fuck off,” Hongjoong tells Chul, and then he turns in towards Seonghwa. “Hwa don’t get involved.”

“How could I not get involved,” Seonghwa hisses in great concern. 

“…Who the fuck are you and why are you looking at my Princess like that,” Chul rasps, and he shifts perilous eyes back and forth between Hongjoong and Seonghwa.

“He’s my boyfriend.”

Hongjoong asserts it with quite impressive stability, and Seonghwa, Wooyoung, and San’s jaws are on the floor. San’s gasp is powerful enough to suck all of the oxygen out of the compact establishment even though he’s still the least informed out of all of them. 

Chul, however, just tilts his head, with his mouth ajar, smiling a perplexed smile. 

Hongjoong inhales the most courageous breath he can find. 

“I don’t like it when you call me those names, it fucks with my head…. I’ve told you that I don’t want to be with you so many times but you won’t listen…,” he says in a small voice. 

Chul lifts an eyebrow. “So you ran away, so that I could come chasing you? That’s actually pretty hot….” 

The salacious lookover that Chul gives Hongjoong has Seonghwa’s stomach churning hot lava. 

“You’re not chasing after me you’re chasing after my money,” Hongjoong blurts out. 

Chul ignores Hongjoong, but his face twitches ever so slightly. 

“Sweetheart, you don’t seem to understand that splitting up is something that the both of us would need to decide on, and I’m politely declining.”

“And,” Chul goes on, “I’m politely asking for this guy to remove himself from the situation before I get angry… oh wait, what did you say his name was, Wooyoung? You said it was _Seonghwa_ or something like that, right?”

Wooyoung appears to be nauseous, he looks like he’s going to cry. Seonghwa places a tender hand on Wooyoung’s arm to let him know that it’s okay, it’s okay and none of this is his fault. 

It’s apparent that Wooyoung’s mouth is dry. “So, Hongjoong, want me to call the authorities now, because this shit is fucked up.”

Hongjoong whimpers, he’s panicking. 

“Why won’t you listen why won’t you listen,” he begs Chul. 

“Listen?” Chul grimaces. “Listen to what, I am listening.”

“Stop gaslighting me,” Hongjoong sobs.

Chul reaches out, ready to stroke Hongjoong’s burning cheek. 

“You’re so pretty when you cry….”

Reflexively, Seonghwa slaps Chul’s arm away. 

“Fuck- don’t touch him-”

Chul shoves Seonghwa’s shoulder, rather viciously, in return. This seems to catch the attention of a few patrons close by, sitting at the bar, just trying to peacefully bask in their evening out. 

“Hey little bitch, _you_ don’t touch him. Have you touched him, have you been running your girly-ass hands all over him, you been sticking your tongue up his ass and bending him over every day, you been fucking his ass?”

Chul darts his eyes from Seonghwa to Hongjoong.

“Is this who you were doing a video call with, when you had your fingers up your own ass?”

Hongjoong’s expression collapses. 

He’s downright benumbed, he shrinks back, and he sniffles his nose. 

“W… What… how did you see that… what the fuck… what the fuck….”

“Angel have you been cheating on me?” Chul asks, and he’s smiling in certainty of already knowing the answer. 

Chul wets his lips, takes a step closer, which makes Hongjoong, Seonghwa, Wooyoung, and San tense up even more so, and he lowers his voice. 

“…You didn’t need to run off, you didn’t need to be such a little whore…. Remember all of our promises? I intend to keep them. You need me, Angel.”

Hongjoong has tears streaming down his face. 

Seonghwa knows that no one will hold him back if he lunges at this sick fuck right about now. Every word that has fallen out of this man’s mouth is just so starkly repulsive. Seonghwa is trying really hard not to think about the fact that, once upon a time, this mouth had been in contact with Hongjoong’s.

Chul glares at Seonghwa through bloodshot eyes. 

“ _Pretty boy_ his ass is mine.”

At this point, Wooyoung really does say fuck this shit I’m out to go make a call. 

Seonghwa’s heart rate is off the charts. His brain is brawling to stay up to speed with the current moment. Wooyoung is actually stepping outside to call the authorities. The authorities are going to show up, and there’s an actual psycho here trying to hurt Hongjoong, he’s already hurt Hongjoong, so fucking much.

“Wow, okay, well fuck you, _fuck_ you, his heart sure as fuck doesn’t belong to you, his name is Hongjoong and he’s more than an ass, you ass.” 

Seonghwa is shaking, he can’t articulate, he has so much to say.

The pendant on the chain around Chul’s neck catches Seonghwa’s eye, it looks familiar somehow. 

Has Seonghwa seen it in a dream? A story? Real life?

Abruptly, Seonghwa feels as though he just had the wind knocked out of him. He peers back up at Chul’s face, and everything clicks. 

“You….”

  
  


_I feel stupid for wearing a skirt_ ….

  
  


Seonghwa is shaking his head slowly, in disbelief, in dread.

“You were on the train… that night… you touched my sister on the train… Hongjoong he’s been here this whole ti-”

Seonghwa is on the floor. He’s blinking up at the ceiling and he’s on the floor.

There’s an incredible pain in his jaw, and he hears screaming.

Hongjoong’s voice is somewhere in here, and it sounds like he’s trying to find a place to run away to and hide, a place where he can bring Seonghwa with him.

It’s finally Seonghwa’s chance to kick this fucker’s ass, but reality is reminding him that he really would prefer not to land himself in a full-on bar fight. This is the first time in Seonghwa’s life that he has ever considered acting out in violence.

Seonghwa wants to punch this son of a fucking bitch so badly but he doesn’t want to get arrested. If he punches back, will it just be considered as self-defense? What would happen to him when the cops arrive? Seonghwa doesn’t know. This moment could make or break a lot of things. Ultimately, he wants to make sure that he’s on an airplane with Hongjoong tomorrow when Hongjoong needs to leave the country by midnight. That’s the priority, going with Hongjoong to wherever his wings take him next. 

San is doing his absolute best to break up the fight, but he’s also very clearly trying to stay out of actual combat. Chul’s henchman is struggling to deter San while Chul kicks Seonghwa like a football.

Seonghwa lies there and takes it and shields his face with his arms to the best of his ability, because he refuses to get arrested, and also because he’s most likely in shock and he’s not very confident that he’ll be able to stand up on his feet right now. He thinks his nose is broken. On the roof of his mouth there’s the taste of blood.

Seonghwa doesn’t know where Hongjoong is right now, although he thinks he sees him tugging at Chul’s jacket, there’s someone small trying to bite Chul’s hand. Seonghwa sees a couple of people, maybe the bartenders, desperately trying to pull Chul away with little success, and Seonghwa’s head is racing; what if another one of Chul’s underlings sneaks in through the shadows and takes Hongjoong away.

The next thing Seonghwa perceives, through fluttering eyelids wincing in pain, is a pocket-knife in Chul’s hand, and Seonghwa gulps past a surge of fright. 

The look on Chul’s face is disturbing, is disgusting. Seonghwa cannot believe that Hongjoong had ever been alone with this monster. This bona fide monster. 

This is when everything stops. 

The shouting has ceased, and Seonghwa now hears the buzzing of a general assortment of voices, most likely from people in the bar who were standing by and watching the fight. 

It hurts to keep his eyes open. The lights on the ceiling are scrutinizing. 

A man in uniform is crouching down, hovering over Seonghwa, saying something in Japanese. The officer appears somewhat compassionate, not accusatory. Seonghwa wonders how fucked-up his face looks. Seonghwa has a whole body and yet Chul really seemed resolved on beating in Seonghwa’s face the most. 

Seonghwa lies still, and hopes with all his might that the bartenders and everyone and all of these drunk people are defending him. 

Soon enough, he hears Wooyoung.

Wooyoung, in a delirious type of relief, is telling Seonghwa that Chul has been arrested for assault and possession of illegal drugs.

Medics are here now too, to check Seonghwa’s condition and to treat his wounds. 

The aftermath is not as bad as it feels. One of his eyes is bruising already, he still has all of his teeth but his lip is busted, his head didn’t hit the floor too severely. He’s pretty damn conscious and aware of the shitshow that just went down, he’s just in shock. 

Seonghwa is gathering that pain relievers and ice packs should suffice.

“…Where is Hongjoong… where is Hongjoong….”

Seonghwa hears the voice of an angel. 

“I’m right h-here H-Hwa, Hwa I’m right here.”

Hongjoong is standing nearby, off to the side, with San and Wooyoung sandwiching him, enfolding him. His eyes are red and puffy, his mouth a sad little frown. 

Seonghwa didn’t even realize that he himself had said anything out loud. 

He gazes at Hongjoong. He needs to hold Hongjoong immediately. 

The medics help Seonghwa stand to his feet, then assist him to sit down at the nearest bar stool. As soon as they’re finished seeing to Seonghwa, Hongjoong comes hobbling over. 

“You r-rescued me, I love y-you,” he cries, and a miniature gasp slips past the hand that he slaps over his mouth, as he’s registering what he just said. “Oh shit- fuck- I’m sorry-”

Does Hongjoong mean that? Seonghwa will feel like a fool if he confesses his love in return and Hongjoong didn’t actually mean it. But what if Hongjoong actually means it, and Seonghwa doesn’t say it back. Seonghwa is probably making this out to be far more complicated than it needs to be but he’s undergoing both a profound headache and heartache and he can’t think clearly. 

“I got punched to the floor and had the shit kicked out of me, how is that rescuing you?” he says, his heart thwacking aggressively.

“…It could’ve been m-me instead… it could’ve been me instead… if he would’ve found me alone, I wouldn’t have been able to defend myself.”

The thought makes Seonghwa feel ill.

“I will _never_ let him touch you, never again, Hongjoong.”

Lifting a trembling hand, Seonghwa uses his thumb to wipe the tears on Hongjoong’s cheek, and Hongjoong brings his own hands up, placing his fingers atop Seonghwa’s, and he keeps the side of his face right there. 

Wooyoung, San, Seonghwa, and Hongjoong apologize to the bartenders and staff. They bow as they exit the bar. It is admittedly embarrassing, having so many curious eyes on them under these circumstances. 

Both San and Wooyoung are being a great comfort as they’re all walking along, shoulder-to-shoulder, paddling through the dark with caution. The two of them are rubbing Seonghwa and Hongjoong’s backs, humming sweet words and uplifting phrases. 

Hongjoong is apologizing excessively, which leads to the upsetting discovery that, as the victim, Hongjoong truthfully feels responsible for all of this. 

“I’m scared… does Chul still think that me and him are boyfriends?” 

Seonghwa is heartbroken, hearing this. It’s been so difficult for Hongjoong to know what Chul thinks, and it still is, Chul has deliberately made it to be this way. 

It’s suddenly dawning on Seonghwa that this is not going to be an easy or simple thing for Hongjoong to heal from. Chul behind bars, temporarily or permanently, isn’t going to fix things overnight. This is going to take time and effort and care and Seonghwa is going to have to step up and be the best version of himself in order to help the most precious person to him; his treasure. 

Seonghwa, Wooyoung, and San trade downtrodden looks. 

When they return safely to Wooyoung’s place, they scoot the couch and coffee table out of the way in the living room, and they lay out futons. 

Wooyoung brews some tea, and he, Hongjoong, and San dote on Seonghwa and make sure that he’s comfortable. 

They end up snuggling together in a pile in their pajamas, with Hongjoong and Wooyoung in the middle. 

Seonghwa’s rib cage aches. The medics didn’t think that anything was broken, but it sure feels like it. Hongjoong’s hand is up Seonghwa’s shirt, gently massaging his chest.

The four of them just lie there.

“…Are you guys into any freaky shit?” San says in a hushed little voice. 

“No, we’re actually pretty boring,” Seonghwa replies flatly as he’s resting his eyes. 

“Yeah, we really are, actually,” Hongjoong agrees, sounding faraway. 

“No blindfolds?” San asks incredulously. “Vibrating butt plugs? Spanking paddles? Handcuffs? Nipple clamps?”

“Um? No we don’t really… accessorize,” Seonghwa says. 

San tuts and clicks his tongue but he does so lovingly. 

“Well you guys did just meet. Give it time. You have an entire kinky journey ahead of you.”

“Sanni!” Wooyoung scolds, and there’s a squeak in his laugh.

“I’m trying to give life advice! Wisdom like this doesn’t usually come free.”

Seonghwa peeks at Hongjoong. 

“Um, Hongjoong, is it okay if we’re talking about this stuff…?” 

After seeing Chul in the flesh tonight, Seonghwa wouldn’t be surprised if any traumatic memories might be on the surface of Hongjoong’s mind.

San looks repentant right away. “Oh shit- I’m so wild- I’m really sorry-”

“No it’s okay.”

Hongjoong actually giggles quietly following this, and the sound is reassuring. 

Something makes Seonghwa’s last remaining brain cell think about the fishnets. 

That was one hell of a way to accessorize. Just the recollection itself is enough to get Seonghwa half-hard. Not to mention Hongjoong’s wayward hand, that has now traveled down more towards Seonghwa’s lower abdominals. 

“Um, nevermind I lied. Hongjoong wore- uh, fishnets one time,” Seonghwa mumbles, to which both San and Wooyoung raise their eyebrows and stare at him with owlish eyes.

“Yeah, but Hwa destroyed them so I can’t wear them again,” Hongjoong pouts.

“Hwa did what now?” Wooyoung says. 

“Well first off, he finished on them- he lasted _maybe_ two minutes. And then he clawed at them and ripped-”

“I’ll buy you new ones!” Seonghwa squawks as San is cackling at Hongjoong’s story. 

“Fishnets are such a cute idea Hongie I wanna try that,” San coos. 

“I wanted to feel pretty,” Hongjoong replies simply. 

Seonghwa and Wooyoung exchange looks. They’re both blushing more than either of them are willing to admit. 

“You _are_ pretty,” Wooyoung says.

Seonghwa clears his throat, very ready to turn the attention off of him and Hongjoong.

“Please don’t tell me that you guys do that stuff where you like, slap each other’s dicks or something,” he says.

San and Wooyoung are hollering at this and they don’t provide any direct answers. 

The two of them eventually take their leave to go sleep in Wooyoung’s room.

As soon as they turn the lights out in the living room, Hongjoong is crying, for so many things. Namely, guilt and fear. 

Seonghwa kisses Hongjoong all over his face, and asks him if he wants to keep the lights on.

He just cries, and Seonghwa holds him and adores him, tears painting highways down his rounded cheeks. It takes a few hours for Hongjoong to stop trembling. 

Hongjoong is worried that Chul will continue to pursue him even after he’s released from his arrest. After tonight, he’s terrified that Chul will go as far as trying to get rid of Seonghwa. 

“We’ll take legal action, I don’t know how, but we’ll figure it out together, and make sure that he’ll never see you again….”

And this is all Seonghwa can promise for now. All he can do is cradle Hongjoong, dubbing them two broken fragments, a unit of unwanted defects, somehow meant to be mended together. 

()()()()()()()()

Seonghwa’s sister is standing on the other side of the threshold of Wooyoung’s front door. 

Hongjoong is hiding behind Seonghwa’s back, peeking at Seung-yeon in uncertainty. 

“Oh my god Seonghwa are you okay?” she asks, taking in the sight of his black eye. 

Seonghwa stares at her. “How did you know I was here?” 

“Hwa, please don’t attack,” San says charily from where he’s standing in the apartment’s entryway. “She reached out to me on Instagram, she was concerned. It was I who revealed your secret location to her… I believed it would be a healthy step forward.” 

Seonghwa glares at San with an exasperation that reads _I’ll deal with you later_. 

It’s the morning following the disturbance in Ni-Chome, and Seung-yeon wants to know if Seonghwa is still going to be on their flight home in two days’ time, or if he had booked a different one.

Seonghwa, rather childishly, tells her that it’s none of her fucking business. 

She huffs, not in anger, but in helplessness. 

“Seonghwa I don’t hate you, it’s the exact opposite,” she says wearily. “I know that we don’t really… talk.”

Seung-yeon looks down at her black Doc Martens. 

“I’ve been worried about you. I’ve noticed that you haven’t been well. I want you to know that I regret not standing up for you. Standing up against them is hard….”

Shuffling uncomfortably, Seonghwa does his best to keep eye contact with his sister, when she lifts her face and peers at him with compassion knit in her brow. 

“I think that it’s a balance of living your life freely without needing their approval, but also not losing hope in them. I’m going to do my best to help them become more informed, and to help them come around, or something… I don’t know… but you’re their son. They don’t hate you. They’re very conservative people and they fear things that aren’t within their limited box of understanding. People are capable of change, you believe that, don’t you?”

Yes, he does believe that. 

But that doesn’t mean that everybody is capable of bettering themselves. 

“Maybe,” Seonghwa responds carefully, because he figures it’s better than no answer at all. 

Seung-yeon offers him a pained, teary-eyed smile. And then she turns her attention to Hongjoong, who’s still poking his head out from behind Seonghwa’s back, staring at her unblinkingly and intently. 

“Um, hi, it’s nice to meet you,” she says, and she bows at Hongjoong, lower than necessary, and Hongjoong gasps lightly and clutches tighter onto Seonghwa’s shirt. 

“I’m Hongjoong,” he replies, and he nods at her in return. 

“You’re adorable. I’m incredibly sorry for barging in on you guys that morning,” Seung-yeon says. “I don’t expect any forgiveness, but I really want to thank you for being my brother’s boyfriend, and for making him happy.”

Her formality and assumption and everything makes Hongjoong blush fire-engine-red, and it takes everything within Seonghwa not to slam the door shut in his sister’s face, in response to all of these emotions that he doesn’t know what to do with. 

It’s an afternoon of goodbyes. 

Tokyo bids them farewell. Japan’s elegance shackles their hurt, absorbs their reminiscences for safe keeping. 

()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()

()()()()()()()()()()

()()()()()

()()()

()

_Two Months Later_

  
  


Seonghwa returned home to South Korea, with Hongjoong. 

And it wasn’t an easy decision. It was just the decision that reality led them to. 

Seonghwa needs his job, quite literally in order to survive. Hongjoong was just about ready to pay for all of Seonghwa’s expenses if they were to travel to somewhere new and extend their getaway, but there was absolutely no way that Seonghwa was going to take that offer.

It was a heated discussion, right after Seonghwa’s sister left Wooyoung’s apartment that day, and it led to Hongjoong having another meltdown. 

Wooyoung and San were there to monitor though, and they led Seonghwa and Hongjoong through a very wholesome argument, in all honesty. They were fighting for the sake of what’s best for their futures, both as individuals and together as a pair. 

On top of the discomfort of conflict, Seonghwa was stressed because he had never booked a same-day flight before, it was the most spontaneous thing he had ever done. 

Up until the very last moment Hongjoong was severely reluctant to go back home, but he was rewarded for his bravery. 

He moved in with Seonghwa and Yunho, and he and Yunho have really hit it off, they’ve majorly clicked, and Seonghwa feels that their genuine friendship is such a triumph, it’s a delight and a deep relief seeing that Hongjoong has a new confidant. With Yunho’s affectionate nature, it’s really no surprise.

Nothing regarding Chul has been settled. Seonghwa has recovered from the assault, but they don’t know what has happened to Chul, thankfully they haven’t heard from him. They’re intimidated after having looked into injunctions. The thought of taking this to court is overwhelming. Seonghwa still thinks it would be best though for there to be some sort of a restraining order claimed, and if Hongjoong could attend therapy too, even if it’s only for short-term. He wants Hongjoong to have all of the protection, help, tools, and options accessible to him. He doesn’t want Hongjoong to spend the rest of his life running away. Hongjoong’s safety and peace of mind are invaluable. 

Sometimes, Hongjoong is afraid to go out to the grocery store, or to school, or to the park, even with Seonghwa accompanying him. He has his bad days, and better days. 

But despite everything, they are finishing up school together, in their own time, on their own path, doing things to the best of their mental and emotional abilities, taking things one day at a time. And the prospect of going back to Japan next spring for Wooyoung and San’s graduation is motivating, and something to very much so look forward to. 

They don’t owe the world anything. They don’t owe anyone anything. They’re focused on healing; taking care of themselves, and each other.

And they’re busy nurturing a little idea, a reverie that’s quickly turning into a big dream. 

They want to develop a brand, and start up their own magazine. 

The notion came along when Seonghwa, Hongjoong, and Yunho were cuddling on the couch, just talking into the early hours of morning and listening to music.

Yunho was talking about school and his journalism courses and he was geeking out about how much he truly enjoys reporting and writing articles and then they got on the subject of careers and Seonghwa and Hongjoong insisted that Yunho would do great working for a magazine. 

None of them have an explanation for how rapidly and naturally the proposition came together as a tangible thing, but before they knew it, San and Wooyoung were totally vibing with the idea of putting their culinary training into practice and contributing to the magazine with the inclusion of world cuisine recipes.

Mingi, Seonghwa and San’s high school classmate who has been thriving at Bunka Fashion College, has the connections and expertise to carry the fashion portion of the project. They’ve already had quite a few virtual meetings with everyone and Mingi has been present and eager every time. 

Feeling positive after having reached out to Mingi, Seonghwa ended up contacting two more of his high school classmates who he had been fairly close friends with. 

Jongho has won numerous awards for his photography, and Yeosang has an education in illustration and graphic design. The both of them were swift to jump on board. 

Seung-yeon is not only a social media whiz, but she also went to school for communications and marketing. She’s going to be a tremendous help and play a vital role in all of this. She’s already suggested some bold investments such as getting in touch with rookie K-pop groups for a cover and a feature spread that would reel in an audience right from the start. 

And Seonghwa can tell that she isn’t doing this out of indebtedness. She genuinely wants to connect with Seonghwa, she truthfully likes Hongjoong and all of the other guys on the team, and she really is heartfelt about their vision. She’s actually a pretty decent person.

As for Seonghwa, he’s going to be in charge of the interior design and home decor pages of the magazine.

And, Hongjoong is their creative director. 

Hongjoong has termed the magazine _LILY OF THE VALLEY_ or _LOTV_ for short. 

They don’t know how it’s going to go, but they’re all up for putting in the work for a first trial issue, regardless of the outcome.

Seonghwa and Hongjoong have been reading tons of books and resources online about the industry and magazine editing and printing itself. They snuggle up together in their living room with tea and take notes together in an inspired silence. 

They’re going to use each other as models within their team to save on some expenses, and Seonghwa’s sister has plenty of friends who are willing to model in exchange for the experience and a meal. Jongho is investing in some upgrades for his camera gear, and he’s been adamant on researching fashion photography. 

Seonghwa often finds himself browsing through rentals and Airbnbs in the area that he could possibly use for LOTV’s home decor photo shoots. He’s excited; for the very first time he’s experiencing passion towards his studies. He cannot wait to get hands-on with his part of this project. He wants to decorate pretty spaces, he wants to create an oasis with everything he touches.

Hongjoong’s wish for LOTV is that they’ll be able to partner up with organizations and campaigns in order to advocate for good causes, like mental health awareness, LGBT rights, domestic violence awareness and fundraising, amongst other things. Hongjoong really is a visionary, and Seonghwa’s feelings for him have multiplied and magnified and spiraled into the most freeing lack of control. 

Seonghwa never really thought about traveling all that much before. He associated travel with his family’s compulsory trips. 

But now, the thought of traveling the world with Hongjoong is so thrilling and inspiriting. He walks into work daydreaming about all of the places he wants to take Hongjoong. His paychecks are more meaningful now. Coming home to Hongjoong is the best reward, though. 

Hongjoong is currently sitting in between Seonghwa’s legs in the bath as they’re watching a show on Seonghwa’s tablet. 

It’s a hot summer, but it hasn’t stopped them from soaking in their routine baths.

Hongjoong’s shoulders are resting back, pressing into Seonghwa’s torso. 

Seonghwa now has a small tattoo on the backside of his left bicep. It’s minimalist yet realistic art of a cherry that Hongjoong designed. Seonghwa would like to have a full sleeve someday, but for now, he adores his little cherry. 

Hongjoong has been thinking about applying for a part-time job at his favorite piercing parlor, but he’s still not confident enough to leave the house without Seonghwa or Yunho for more than an hour or two of classes. 

Hongjoong got his septum pierced recently. Seonghwa has been leaving little smooches on his nose often because it hasn’t been healing properly. Hongjoong got his belly button pierced too and Seonghwa has been tempted to toy with it, but it’s still healing as well. 

Against Seonghwa’s cheek, Hongjoong’s wet hair feels chill, and Seonghwa kisses and nips at Hongjoong’s ear every now and then. He plays with Hongjoong’s thighs, too. 

Letting his eyelids close, Seonghwa sighs with fulfillment at his core, his chest heavy under the steam in the room. 

“Joong….”

In response, Hongjoong releases a tiny moan in acknowledgement.

“Hongjoong, I love you.”

He freezes for just a moment, and then he twists his body around to peer at Seonghwa, and he’s crying softly.

“…What?”

“I love you,” Seonghwa speaks, and his voice comes out deep and clear. 

“…I’m sorry, could you repeat that one more time?” Hongjoong says.

They’re both smiling now, Hongjoong is smiling and crying, his bottom lip is trembling. 

“I love you too,” he tells Seonghwa. 

Seonghwa feels as though he’s gazing right at Hongjoong’s heart when their eyes are locked like this. “I just thought you should know… how much I love you….” 

Hongjoong adjusts his position, so that he’s facing Seonghwa more comfortably, and he cups a dampened palm on Seonghwa’s cheek. 

“…All I wanted… I just wanted to be kissed by you, like in a fairy tale… and I want to be loved, or something like that…. I thought that it would be pretty cool, if you loved me.”

Seonghwa is now on the brink of tears himself. 

How could someone not love Hongjoong. 

It took Seonghwa for-fucking-ever to say it, and now he’s mad at himself, seeing how deeply Hongjoong craved this. Why wait to tell someone you love them? 

But Seonghwa keeps the words of a really good friend of his in mind.

  
  


_Everything’s gonna work out for you in it’s own time_

_Your timeline doesn’t have to be identical to anyone else’s_

_And it won’t be and that’s special_

  
  


“Seonghwa you’re my safe place…,” Hongjoong says as he wraps his arms around the back of Seonghwa’s neck, water droplets trickling from his fingertips like flower petals falling from a spring sky. 

“You’re exactly that for me, too.”

“Now I’ll never have to wonder where home is,” Hongjoong whispers. 

Seonghwa pulls Hongjoong close, closer to his heart. “I’m so glad. You make me happy….” 

They kiss, maybe the softest they’ve ever kissed, maybe the softest they ever will, and they stay submerged and entwined, until the bath water turns cold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and a random group of fanfic readers shoved chul into a spaceship and launched him to an undiscovered planet and he was never heard of again and they all lived happily ever after 🥰
> 
> hi :') writing this fic was very cathartic, and it was incredibly touching hearing how some of you were able to relate to the characters along the way ❤️ I rlly cannot thank you all enough for reading this. anyone who left comments, reached out on twt, gave kudos, bookmarked, kept this up in a tab in your browser- thank you for interacting with this story, you carried me through and I thought of you every time I worked on it 💞
> 
> a big thank you to super sweet black_canary_recs for requesting the gundam cafe scene in this chapter!!! 😭💖💖 I went to that one in akihabara with my brother who’s a huge gundam fan and I remember the restrooms vividly 😂 so cute 🤖💖 if you guys ever have any suggestions pls don’t hesitate to mention them, I’ll always do my best to write them!!! ❤️
> 
> wooyoung’s character is dedicated to katie ☕️ she hasn’t even read this lmao she’s been so busy finishing up at university (🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉) but still katie if u ever read this hi bestie, woo is for u 🤓💜
> 
> I’ve been thinking more thoughts for that soft domestic seongjoong AU that I promised at the end of skyscraper souls, and I recently started jotting down some notes for an ot8 dark academia / fantasy woosan-centric AU 🌟🌟 if seasonal depression doesn’t completely kick my ass I should be back with new content soon lol
> 
> please, no matter where you reside in this world, please take care, and stay safe and healthy ❤️ love you guys!!!! 💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕
> 
> ()()()()()()()()
> 
> tokyo runaways playlist: 🏮 [here](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLsenJSIypLnyfjjq8b_sdbOM4fFaLTBI2) 🏮
> 
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> 
> twitter: hj_pan_cake


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